“When I was a resident, I lived here. I never wanted to leave. You just don’t see that with many new surgeons now.”
I contain my eye roll. This ideology that you have to breathe, sleep, and eat medicine to be a surgeon is insane. Beyond the ridiculous competition and the low pay for the hours we work during our residency, the downsides of this profession are heavy. The most tragic part is just losing your identity and becoming this job completely, and if you don’t, you’re not trying hard enough.
Dr. Mayfield mostly performs surgery with little learning in between, so I just observe and daydream. Dream about working at a family practice and coming home in time for dinner with Alexi and Owen. I almost want to laugh at myself for imagining it. Alexi has made his intentions clear, sure. I have an obvious connection with Owen, but the idea of me having a pack? Deserving one? It feels foreign.
Dr. Mayfield lets me close, and I’m in the locker rooms changing into my clothes to go home in. Alexi’s place isn’t in walking distance, but it’s a short ride in the metro or car service. With how late it is, I order a ride as I get changed.
Shuana is leaving at the same time as me and gives me a smirk. “You know, there’s been talk.” I ignore her, and she shakes her head. “They need to let some residents go.”
“What?” I ask, not knowing if she’s fucking with me or not.
“The hospital is making cuts. I heard at least two in each program might be cut.”
“Who said?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“Obviously, that’s why I asked.”
“Worried about your spot, Blake?”
More like hoping they let me go so the choice is out of my hands. “No, are you?” I say back in true Alpha fashion. While I might have a lot of internal struggles, there’s no way I’m expressing them to Shuana of all people.
“Well, I think you should be.”
“I think you should worry about yourself and your string of bad outcomes,” I say back, and that has her glaring at me.
“Maybe you should worry more about becoming a decent surgeon than relying on your name to get you here,” she says. I want to say more to her, get into her face. But the fact is I’m tired, and the last thing I need is to prove myself to someone like Shuana.
“I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”
“I guess so,” she replies, tossing her bag into her locker.
I’m feeling like death as I get to Alexi’s house. I put in his ridiculous code, and the lock swirls. My body aches, and I wish I would have put my bed together before going to work, but at least I have a place to live. I’m extremely quiet as I head to my room.
When I turn the knob, the last thing I expect is to see my bed on a frame, and for it to be made with clean sheets as well. I collapse on top of the soft material. Whatever detergent he uses is to die for. I’m not sure if it’s everything piling up on me or this small act of kindness, but I finally let myself break. In the comfort of night and fully alone, I let the tears fall and soak into the beautiful sheets.
I just want to feel worthy, but I’m just not sure of what.
CHAPTER18
My bed feels hard, and my skin feels itchy. I know what I need, but am I even capable of asking for it?
It’s nearly nine at night, and I’m caught up deciding who I should reach out to. Piper or Alexi. Alexi is easier. He knows what I am, and he’s agreed to help me. I can’t deny that there's something about Piper that centers me, but we both agreed that we can’t start anything now.
The further we get into the season, the more I’m realizing that I won’t be able to keep this up long-term. I’m coming to the conclusion that living out my dream for a season has to be enough. It’s a lot to wrap my head around, but these last few weeks have been invaluable to me. And while I wish more often than not I was an Alpha and my body could handle this strain, it can’t, and if I continue to push myself too far, the damage might be irreparable. Maybe I can find a job within the sector of hockey that doesn’t tear me to shreds.
I have a lot of feelings about myself and my designation, but I want a future as a pack’s Omega. I just need to do this for me first. I need to see the season through. Prove to people that Omegas can do whatever the fuck they want. But more so to prove to myself that I’m able to accomplish something this significant.
This season is all I have, so I can’t fuck it up. And right now? I need a fucking Alpha to help me stop spiralling. There’s only a week before we play the Sharks, and the reality is, it might be my last game. I hop out of bed, throw on some sweatpants and a crew neck, and grab my jacket.
Alexi’s house is farther than I should be walking this late at night, but at least the cold air clears my head. I should have texted him, but I guess part of me feared if I did, he would tell me that he’s busy.
There's a heavy feeling in my chest of missing Piper, and it’s odd. I don’t truly know her, but it’s like my body craves her. After the last time we were together, we decided to keep our distance. We’re both too busy, focused on our careers. I have to shake her out of my head, knowing it’s for the best.
I stand on the stoop for a ridiculously long time before I gather up the nerve to knock on the dark blue door. A few seconds pass, and I consider walking back home when the door opens. A sleepy, barely clothed Piper answers the door. I look at the house and make sure that my self-consciousness didn’t just carry my feet to her house instead.
No, it’s definitely Alexi’s house.
