The front is decorated with black and golds, the bar top glows a bright white and contrasts against my palm. I wave at Tex who doesn’t even ask for my order, just pours my favorite whiskey and places it on the table top before me. I look around the bar, I know everyone here and I can’t decide what that says about me. There are a lot of couples who come to play with others, and individuals I’ve seen here multiple times. Is Avalon starting to lose its luster?
I sure fucking hope not, because that means I’ll need something else for this energy, for these thoughts. Right now, all I can handle is work, Avalon, and sports. I see Carmen and her husband Leo at the booth. I’ve joined in on punishing and rewarding Carmen a few times, Leo likes to be cucked. But when I look at her now, she doesn’t do it for me. I realize how dramatized Carmen’s sounds and reactions have been in the past, and how much I don’t like it. I think I feel a little used in their dynamic, like Carmen is getting pleasure, Leo is getting off on it. Sure, I enjoy myself, but it feels surface level; I want something more. I need something beyond this physical dominance I can enjoy for the night, but I’m not sure what that dynamic looks like outside of these indulgent walls.
I guess Avalon isn’t the place I should be looking for a genuine connection, but it’s all I got. Especially as I try to rid myself of the image of Jessa sleeping in my car and calling me daddy.
It’s not a term anyone has called me before. Sir and a slew of other terms. But daddy, I never considered myself that type. But I liked it more than I’m willing to admit. Maybe if I can test it out tonight. See if it’s the term, the meaning behind it, or my worst fear, the fact that I might like it from Jessa’s lips.
I drink another thick sip of whiskey when Carmen and Leo approach me.
All conversation goes through Leo as he clasps a hand on my shoulder. “Hey, Aiden.”
“Leo, Carmen.” Carmen gives me a small smile. I tilt my head at her and realize immediately that this isn’t what she wants tonight. It’s quite pathetic that I can read her cues better than her husband. The way she looks at him, she wants him to step up, I don’t think she minds the sharing, she definitely got off when we were together. But I think she wants a connection with Leo. The sad thing is, I don’t think he gets off unless he’s watching. Not wanting to be in the middle of their marital drama, I shake my head and pull my phone out of my pocket. “Shit, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you guys next time.”
Leo nods, and I watch as Carmen gives me a wider smile. Maybe all she wants is her husband for the night. But the fact is, their marriage is none of my business. All I know is that if I were in Leo’s shoes I’d never want to share. I’ve been happy to facilitate in the past, to get my own needs met, but maybe trying to fill this void isn’t what I need anymore.
Leo and Carmen head to the back and I take a sigh of relief. If this isn’t what I want anymore, what will fix this itch, and do I even deserve it?
I nod to Tex to just add the drink to my tab when I leave. It seems that not even Avalon can help clear my head tonight, all it’s doing is making my thoughts louder.
It’s well past one when I get back to my place. Maybe I should get a pet or something, that way this place wouldn’t feel so vastly empty.
My bedroom feels worse than the living room, so I lie on the couch and look at the ceiling. I wonder what it is that I’m feeling. I’m turning forty next year. Am I worried about being alone forever? Does it feel like time is passing me by too quickly? Or is it something more that I don’t know how to describe even in my own consciousness.
* * *
My front door slams and I’m jolted awake. I grab the baseball bat I have sitting by the coffee table and grip it between my hands as I walk into the foyer.
I’m about to swing when I see my brother Lincoln standing there with his arms in the air.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Aiden. What are you going to do, bash my fucking brains in?”
“What are you doing here?” I say to him, pointing the end of the bat at him.
“We’re supposed to go to the range you prick.”
I scrub my face and put the bat against the wall. “Sorry, I forgot.”
“Thankfully you didn’t crack my goddamn skull open.”
I wave my brother and his dramatics off. “Let me just go get changed.”
“Yeah, if you went to Avalon, do us all a favor and wash the scent of pussy off ya too.” He snickers as he says it, and I regret not knocking the daylights out of him at that moment.
I take a quick shower and get dressed. There’s a crick in my neck from sleeping on the couch and I’m rubbing out the tension as I walk down stairs.
“Some broad ride you hard last night?”
“Shut the fuck up, Linc,” I say his nickname with a little disdain. Out of all my brothers, Linc likes to ride me the hardest. To be honest, I think it’s all a cover up to hide what a fuck up he thinks he is. It must be a Carlson family trait, the more I think about it.
“Touchy, touchy. Let’s go get you some coffee, princess.” The bastard gets me coffee and a donut and I feel some of the frustration leave me.
“Can’t we go to the batting cages instead?”
“Oh, if you’re a good boy we can.” Yeah, I really should have beat his ass with that baseball bat.
When we get to the range, my dad, Jeff, is there as well as my two other brothers, Benjamin and Gavin.
“Hey, Son,” my dad says, and I sit down next to him as my brothers bicker over the line up and start placing bets on who is going to score the most points. My dad puts an arm around my shoulder. “How ya doing, kid?”
