“I wish it wasn’t,” I tell him truthfully. It’s so easy to talk to him in my dreams. When he doesn’t talk around what he means and when he’s completely honest. I mean, it’s my version of him, but still.
“It doesn’t have to be, you could come back to Hell.”
“But I’m not finished,” I tell him.
“Avenging Diana?” When he says her name, I look over at him. His expression is soft and not at all condescending.
“She…” It’s dream him. I can lay it all out there like I haven’t before. “Her last words were, ‘don’t trust’. And I have no idea who she meant. She risked everything to tell me those two words. The least I can do is make sure she didn’t die in vain.”
“You think she meant me?” he asks, and I shrug.
“Maybe, I mean, she did die in your realm.”
He groans and rubs his temple. “I would never hurt you, though.”
“But you did.”
I glare at him, and he looks back at me with a look of defeat on his face.
“I want to do better. I’ve made mistakes, but when you’re ready, I’m ready to correct them.”
I shake my head and take the coin from Rainn out of my pocket and rub it between my fingers. I’m not sure when it became a comfort item, but I carry it with me all the time like a prized possession.
“What is that?”
“A coin.”
He reaches out but doesn’t take the coin, almost like he can’t touch it.
“Lilith, that’s not—”
I’m jolted upright, a big ball of fur jumping off of me as I blink my eyes open. I’m back on the couch as Kas plops a sandwich on my chest. She squints at me and tilts her head.
“That was strange.”
“What?”
She shakes her head. “It’s nothing, let’s eat.”
I have to agree, something does feel very strange.
A blink of an immortal eye later…
My visits with Blair decreased over the years; it got easier when her cousin Stevie moved in with her. She didn’t need me much anymore, and it’s bittersweet. I love seeing the strong, competent witch she’s grown to be.
But after the last time of persuading her that she didn’t know me, it got to be too difficult. The older she’s gotten, the more she looks likehim.
Kas has been gone awhile, I’m not sure if she’s on a mission for Lucifer or herself. All this time, and she still doesn’t tell me shit. Time is a funny construct; when you’re a mortal, it feels like you’ll never get enough of it. But when you know, you’re going to live forever? Some days it feels like Diana just passed yesterday, and others, it feels like a lifetime ago. I guess, in mortal terms, it would be.
I shouldn’t be here, I know the risks… and yet here I am. At the bar that Blair proudly bought for herself. I’ve made her forget me so many times, yet, I can’t stay away. If I got psychologically examined—could you imagine?—they would probably say that Blair is my tether to Lucifer, and that’s why I can’t let her go. But that’s why I don’t go to therapy, not just because I would likely kill my therapist in a fit of rage.
Blair doesn’t smile, not that I would ever expect her to, as she puts my drink on the bar top. Her cousin Stevie though, when she tells Blair something, I can’t help but notice the huge smile that takes over Blair’s face. I hide my own smile as I take a sip of the overly sweet cocktail she made me. The day Stevie came to live with her was the day that I knew she didn’t need me anymore and that she found her person. Sometimes when I look at them, I see Diana and myself. The way Blair is protective of her or how Stevie helps Blair stay on the right path. Everyone needs that. Every woman needs a female friend who would help them bury a body. Kas is no Diana—not in a bad way—but sheisthe person I would call if I needed help. I sigh with that realization and wonder if it’s fair or not.
It’s then the hair rises on my neck, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t have to see him to know that he’s here.Blair’s birthday isn’t for a few weeks, why is he here?I’ve felt this before, his presence. Not that I’ve ever seen him, and maybe it’s in my head, maybe it’s the dreams, but there are times that I feel like Lucifer is watching me. I can’t decide if I like it or not.
I stay put, drinking my cocktail like I haven’t noticed his presence. No one else in the bar seems out of sorts, so I know it’s just me. I don’t dare look over my shoulder.How would it feel to see him again?I’m not sure, I’ve been having very vivid dreams of him lately, and it seems as though my brain has him completely memorized. It’s very pathetic when I think about it. The pain still lingers from that night, just not from losing Diana. He was about to promise me everything, and he seemed genuine about it. The look on his face is ingrained in my memory, and the sting of him sending me away still lingers like no time has passed at all.
I feel like I’ve gotten better, that I’ve worked through Diana’s death, but I’m still angry. I’m angry with Lucifer for not standing up for me, for not letting me get my revenge. My rage toward Beelzebub literally has no limit, but the biggest culprit of my hatred? That honor belongs to the angels.
