“Are you happy, Mikael?”
I’m shouting no in my head, but refuse to give her the satisfaction. She looks pretty tonight, wearing a deep maroon dress and tights. The dress hugs her figure, and she looks great. I lick my lips and shake my head. “Yes, I’m happy.”
She glares at me and puts the article down. Her big purse is clutched under her arm, and her hands go to fidget with the straps.
“Do you think we could talk?” she asks softly.
“What’s there to talk about, Charlotte? I know the whole story from your boyfriends. There’s nothing left to say.”
She furrows her brows and puts her hands on her hips, like I’m the one being difficult.
“It’s not that simple, and you know it.”
“I know you went through something horrible, and I’m sorry for that. But you ran, Charlotte. You didn’t give us a chance to explain or trust us enough to let us take care of you. You fucking ran, not giving a single fuck about what it would do to us.”
“I was going through a lot,” she says, her tone matching mine in anger now. Her eyes look like they are going to water, and my stomach sinks. If I make her cry, I know she’ll leave, but I don’t know how I’ll sleep at night. But my anger weighs heavier than how Charlotte is projecting right now.
She treated me like trash, like I could be thrown away. It’s what I grew up knowing, and Charlotte only proved me right. This would never work, and it wasn’t worth putting my heart on the line.
“You should have at least let us contact you to know what happened. You completely ditched us. Didn’t believe in us. We weren’t worth it to you. I wasn’t worth it to you.” I say the last part softly, because deep down I know Eli and Anders are better than me, and I’m what dragged this stupid fucking pack down before it could even start.
“That’s not it.” She shakes her head like I’m the one not making sense.
“Then what is it, Charlotte?”
“Ugh! Why are you always like this?” She walks closer to me and puts her hands against my chest. Her scent is thick and annoyingly enticing. Part of me wants her to rake her nails down my chest, and the other wants her touch to burn me. I wrap my hands around her wrists, pushing her away or tugging her closer, I’m not sure.
“What? Calling you out on your shit? Being honest with you? We would have done anything for you, Charlotte. Do you know what it felt like to not know if you were okay? Not knowing what we had done wrong, or what you were going through? It was torture.”
She tries to move from my grasp, but I don’t let her, not done saying my piece.
“I could hardly function, worrying about you. But everyone said to give you space, you’ll come back around. You never did. You were the first time I gave in, the first time I put everything aside and took a gamble, and you ran from me.”
She shoves at me again. “You weren’t there, you don’t understand.”
“Cause you wouldn’t let me!” I yell back.
“You’re so fucking stubborn. I’m trying to talk to you.”
“You want to talk? Let’s talk about how we lost three away games because Anders and Eli are all caught up in your fucking web again, or how our house is going to smell like you all week and none of us will be able to think straight. Or how when we see you again after months of silence, it’s with some old fucking man sitting front row at a Foxes’ game?”
She glares at me, and I can see her temper rising, ready to meet mine. It’s a lot like that night she threw that snowball at the back of my head. “Or we could talk about how hard-headed you are and will never listen to what I’m saying to you.” She pokes me in my chest, and I’m getting pissed.
“Don’t push me, Charlotte.”
“Or what?” she says, poking me again. I don’t know what takes over me, but suddenly my towel is on the ground and Charlotte’s back is pressed against the wall.
It’s like all thoughts leave my brain as I inhale deeply against her neck. Her scent brings back some of my favorite memories that now feel so fucking tainted I can’t stand it. My grip on her hips is tight as she breathes heavily against me. She doesn’t tell me to stop, she’s not yelling at me.
Of course this is what she wants; she wants me so fucking frenzied for her that I can’t control my dick, so I’ll give in. Well, fuck that, I’m not opening my heart up to her again. I don’t think I could take it.
I wish my sensibility took over before I decide to lick her skin, humming at the flavor. But that’s when she speaks, and my head starts thinking instead of my dick.
“I missed you, Mikael. I’m going to convince you to give this another chance.” I grunt as I remove my hands like her skin is burning me and step away from her. She looks over my naked body and licks her lips and shakes her head. She’s still breathing hard even though we separated. Her face looks pleading as she looks at me and shakes her head. “You need to know that I wasn’t in the right state of mind when everything happened. No one was innocent in that. But I’m trying now, and it’s your actions that could fuck this all up.” She takes a breath, and her back is to me as she walks away. “I lost my mom, Mikael, in front of me, and all you’re thinking about is how you think I left you.”
She parts with those words, and I let them sink in. They sink into the depth of my soul until they rattle around in my brain. Have I been completely selfish in thinking about myself? Have I even tried putting myself into Charlotte’s shoes even though I never had a parent like Kathy? If my parents died, I’m not even sure I would cry. But Charlotte? She’s different; her situation is different.
I’m thinking about how much I’m fucking this up—again. I lie down on the bed and groan, rubbing my hands over my face. Like I have for the last four months, I decide to put it in the journal. I need to write down how I’m feeling in order to process tonight and how I can talk to Charlotte after.
