“I don’t deserve it,” she mumbles, and that’s when the floodgates open. Big fat tears roll down her face. She tries to wipe them off before I can see them. “Hank almost died today because I was careless. My mom died because I was careless. I ran away from you because I was fucking careless. And now…” She sniffles and sucks in her sobs. “Now I don’t even know who I am. Who would want to be with me? I don’t even like to be with me.”
I’ve had enough as I unbuckle her seatbelt and tug on her. She resists slightly but finally gives way as I tug her to my chest. My purrs are so deep and intense that it rattles both of our chests as I stroke her back. Her tears wet my shirt as she lets it all out. It’s like she’s been an active volcano about to erupt for some time, and now it’s finally all spilling over.
“I’ll always care for you, Charlotte. I’ll always want you.”
She shakes her head and continues crying horrific sobs, so much worse than that one day in the nest.
“I need to go inside.”
“You shouldn’t be alone right now.”
“Please, Eli.” Her voice is soft and pleading.
“I’ll come by after the morning skate tomorrow to come pick up Hank.” She doesn’t argue with me, and I take that as a win. She let me help her, take care of her, and she confided in me. Charlotte is in a lot more pain than I realized. It fucking breaks me to see her like this. “After tomorrow, do you think we could talk?”
“Can I think about it?” I nod, pushing her hair out of her face. Her scent is faint, but fuck, it does something to me. I’ve missed everything about her, but now more than ever, all I want is to see her happy. I want my teasing, smartass Charlotte back. I thought I put in a lot of work to be a worthy Alpha before now, but now it’s time to get serious.
I walk Charlotte to her door. I want to hug her tight, but I don’t push my luck. “Tomorrow,” she whispers, the faintest of smirks on her face.
“Tomorrow,” I reply. She wipes a tear from her face and shuts the door. Every Alpha instinct inside of me is begging me to knock down the door and take her into my arms until everything is better. Knowing that isn’t what she wants, or at least is what she’s outwardly telling me she doesn’t want, I leave, sending a text to Piper before I go.
Me:Hank ate chocolate, took him to the vet. He’s going to be fine. Charlotte is at home crying. Can you check on her and let me know that she is okay?
I don’t get a text back, so I do what any rational Alpha would do. I sit in my car outside of her house until I hear back.
Chapter thirty-four
Idon’tstopcrying;it floods out of me like a dam as I walk through the house and go to my bedroom. My shirt now smells like fresh pine needles. I’m so fucking weak as I take it off and collect my shirt from the hockey game that smells like Anders. I crumple them under my head like a pillow and bawl my eyes out. It’s the hardest, most cathartic cry I’ve had in my life. I know I sound like a dying animal, and I’m at least happy that Piper and Hank aren’t here to witness it.
All the feelings of the past few months pour out of me. How much I miss my mom, and how much anger I have about how she died, how I didn’t get to say goodbye, and how I blame myself. I know that I haven’t been thinking rationally since that day, and it makes my heart hurt. The sobs won’t stop. I’m not even sure if fresh tears are coming out of my eyes or if my face is just wet from all the crying. I soak the two shirts below me, and then I cry even harder because their scents aren’t as strong.
Eli held me tonight even though I ran away. Even though I said horrible things to Anders. He still showed me so much compassion and kindness. I’m not mad about the Vegas trip anymore, I know that. It hurt in the moment, knowing that they were oblivious to my pain. But rationally, I know it wasn’t malicious intent. It was three men who just got drafted into the NHL celebrating, like I told them to. The reality of the fact that I’ve been suffering these last four months, and more than likely they have too hits me, and it’s my fault.
Everything feels like my fault lately, and it’s hard to really take a deeper look at myself. I was so afraid of being abandoned by them that I was the one who ran away and caused my biggest fear to come to light. Piper was right, my mom would be so disappointed in me right now. She would be so upset that I used her death to push away the three people who were meant for me. My scent matches. Part of me wonders how much of my disassociation and actions were a factor of the high grade suppressants I was on. Now that I’m on a significantly lower dose, I’m feeling everything, and it fucking hurts. It hurts to think about my mom andthem.
I don’t know all the details, but clearly whatever strings they had to pull to be on the same team couldn’t have been easy. I push the shirts against my face, trying to scent them just a little better. But there’s nothing left. I’ve washed away their scents, and I feel devastated. It’s the first time I’ve let myself truly feel the weight of the last few months, and it’s so heavy I feel like it might crush me. But it feels like I can breathe for the first time in months, realizing what I’ve done and how I feel. Maybe the absence of them made it easier for me to rationalize staying away for so long. But seeing Anders, Eli, and Mikael. Having Anders touch my arm and protect me and having Eli take care of me today... To scent them again?
I’m so fucking stupid.
It seems like Eli and Anders might forgive me and take me back, but there’s no guarantee, especially when it comes to Mikael.
I wipe my face and put a shirt and sweater back on. I’m not sure what compels me to go back outside, but I didn’t hear Eli leave. When I walk outside, his SUV is still there. The lights are off, and the windows are tinted. I inhale deeply and knock on the driver’s side window. He doesn’t roll it down, he just opens the door instead.
“You okay? What do you need?” Ah, fuck, I cry again. He gets out of the SUV, and his hands are on my upper arms. “Charlotte, what do you need?”
“Can you come inside?”
He nods his head, rubbing my arms one more time before he shuts his car door and locks it, then he follows me back into the house. I don’t know what to say, where to start. So I don’t. I just lead him to my bedroom and lie on the bed. He follows me, and we both lie on top of the covers and stare at each other. His green eyes are full of concern, and I breathe a few deep breaths before I speak. His thick pine scent in my room feels so right, and all I can think about is how much I’ve denied myself, denied all of us, in my grief.
“I haven’t cried in about four months. I think everything with Hank made everything come up to the surface.”
He nods, his hand on top of mine in the center of the bed. “I really fucked up, Eli.” I can’t help the horrific noise that escapes out of me. My fucking heart hurts, but as Eli pulls me against his chest, the rumble of his purr soothes me.
“I… I don’t even know where to start.”
“You don’t have to say anything tonight, baby,” he says softly. His chest rumbling affectionately as he strokes my back.
“I don’t know how to make this better, how to make me better.”
