But there’s something else nagging at my mind too—something darker. What if Thom finds out about the twins and he tells Lila the truth? Tells her that I have had nothing to do with him for years, that I don’t even support him financially any longer? It doesn’t matter how much I try to spin it, there’s no getting around the fact that I cut my son off a long time ago, and no doubt he would find some way to frame it as proof of my shitty parenting.
Hell, maybe he’s right. I don’t know if it would have been better for him if I had never been part of his life. Would the twins be happier and safer if I had nothing to do with them?
I take another sip of my scotch, my head already growing hazy from the alcohol. I know I have to stop soon. I don’t have the tolerance I once did, and I can’t go into work tomorrowhungover. This is the first time I’ve asked for time off at such short notice, and if I come in stinking of booze on top of it, I’m sure it’s only going to attract more attention.
I head for the shower, turning it on and blasting it up to the highest heat to steam out the alcohol from my pores. As I step beneath the flow, I close my eyes, and my mind drifts to her—to Lila and the twins, probably back home by now, settled in. A pang grips at my heart. I hate the way I reacted before, but in that moment of shock, I had no clue how to respond.
I have to talk to her about this.
The resolve hits me like a ton of bricks, no doubt helped by the scotch in my system. I can’t risk someone getting to her before I have a chance, trying to tell her what kind of man I am or what kind of father I’ve been. It’s not going to be easy, but I need a chance to lay this all out to her, at least as much of it as she needs to know.
She is raising my children, after all. The least I can do is set her up with all the information about what happened the last time I brought a child into this world.
I tip my head back and let the water rush over me, trying to wash away everything that has been plaguing me tonight. I know this is far from over. But at least if I can exert some control over it, I won’t feel like as much of a fucking mess as I do right now.
9
LILA
“Alright, here we go,”I murmur to the twins, as I steer the double stroller up the ramp and toward the door of the hospital.
A man opens it for me, grinning as he watches me pass through. “They remind me of my twins!” he tells me, nodding down to Matty and Ross, who are currently strapped into their stroller in matching outfits. At a glance, it’s hard to tell them apart, but when they look this cute it’s hard to care.
“Hope yours are a little easier than mine,” he adds, and I offer him an exhausted laugh. I appreciate the good vibes, but God, it’s hard to keep myself upright in this moment.
I wheel the twins into the maternity ward, where I have an appointment with a nurse for their six-week checkup. It’s hard to believe that much time has passed already—it both feels like way longer and way shorter. Mostly way longer, at least with how chafed my nipples are feeling right now.
I flop down in the seat and check on the twins, who seem to be enjoying the change of location. Getting the stroller up and down the stairs in my apartment building has been all sorts of a pain inthe ass, but the fresh air always makes us feel better. Helps me wash away some of the cobwebs that these endless, exhausted nights have left me with, even though I know I’m far from out of the woods yet.
It doesn’t help that I’ve been having nightmares about Thom again, trapped in memories of him slamming his fist into the wall beside my head as he screamed at me. I guess my subconscious is trying to keep my wits about me for the sake of the twins, but I could use a break.
Under the bright lights of the hospital, I can’t help but smile as I look down at my babies. They have both grown so much, Matty a little more so—she’s going to be a big girl, strong, I just know it. Ross seems more interested in the handful of children’s books I got for them before they were born, pawing at them while I read aloud to them before bed. He’s going to be a total intellectual one day.
And yes, I’m already aware that every mom thinks this way about their kids, but I’m not going to deny myself the joys of thinking of their future just because it happens to be a cliché.
“Lila?”
I lift my head to see the receptionist waving me over with a big smile.
“The doctor is ready to see you now.”
“Thanks,” I reply, though I’m a little confused.
Doctor? I thought I was meeting with a nurse. I guess in all the chaos of raising these two little creatures, I might have gotten that wrong. I push the stroller over to the door she gestures to, knock, and walk inside…
And find none other than Martin Masters sitting on the other side of the door.
I nearly turn around and walk right on out again. Not because I’m so angry to see him, just at the sheer shock of being confronted with his presence with no warning. I stand there for a moment, blinking, feeling stupid as I grip the handle of the stroller and stare at him like he might be a mirage who’ll vanish in a matter of seconds.
“Hi,” he greets me, rising to his feet and steering the stroller further into the office. He pushes the door shut behind me and stoops down in front of the twins, grinning at them both.
“Well, I’ll need to do a full checkup, but it looks like they’re both doing well?—”
“What the hell are you doing here?”
The words fall out of my mouth before I can stop them. Not exactly the well-considered tone I had hoped for, but shit, I can’t really be blamed for that. He glances up at me, and then straightens up once more, not breaking my gaze for a second.
“I saw that you were coming in for a checkup appointment,” he explains. “And I…I knew I had to talk to you. So I took it over from Anna.”
