Charlie wouldna meet my eyes.
Och, I wished I had m’horse. Twas not much that couldna be solved by goin’ tae the stable and givin’ Cathbarr a brush. He had been m’horse since I was a lad, and groomin’ him would clear myhead, ready me for battle. Instead I was standing in a war-room talking about battle plans, watchin’ the machinations of men I had only just met.
What were they up tae?
I said tae Alexandria,“I must fight, beginning in about an hour.” And told her of m’father and where tae find my valuables in case I was lost. I assuaged her fears as best I could and told her I loved her.
Then I stepped away so that Max could speak tae her — twas the way of it before war, soldiers had tae notify their kin where their valuables were kept or the gold would be lost forever.
And then thebattle called and I went tae war.
25
TORIN
THE BATTLE AGAIN? - SEPTEMBER 16, 2185
Ilooked down tae see m’fingers tremblin’ as I buttoned m’coat. I shook my hand and tried again. I couldna get the button intae the hole.
I stretched m’hand out, trying tae get the stiffness from it.We are goin’ tae battle, ye canna fail me.
I exhaled and met m’eyes in the mirror. Twas hard tae see m’self, I looked tired. I circled m’arms in their shoulder joints. Physically I was well, ready tae fight, but my face seemed gaunt. My eyes dinna hold steady, there was a shadow in them, a weariness that had nothing tae do with sleep.
The lines around m’mouth were deeper than they ought tae be for a man in his prime, as though each loop had carved them fresh.
I felt soul weary.
This war was being waged over and over, and I was worn through.
I smoothed down the front of the navy coat: the heavy wool, the perfect cut, the braid. Twas all perfect, except the man inside had had enough.
In the warroom I watched the uncles as memories that were not memories crowded in:
The weight of a rifle, far different from the muskets I had trained with, kicking against m’shoulder. How did I ken this gun?
The ground trembling beneath my boots and iron beasts roaring overhead, fire dropping from overhead without flame or fuse — I had never heard that sort of thunder before, seen fire rainin’ from the sky.
Max’s voice, hoarse from shoutin’ orders, in a courtyard in the full bedlam of a battle I hadna seen, not yet. As if he had already shouted those orders in some other version of this morning.
I had borne witness tae it. Somehow.
And the exact angle of Ryan’s head when he lied and said, “We have the element of surprise, I’m sure of it.”
This room was too bright, the air too thin.
They have done this before.
They have watched us ride out.
They have carried us back broken, or in boxes, or not at all.
And when the day had ended wrong they had twisted the vessel, and begun it all once more.
Without telling us.
Without tellingher.
This was true, I was certain. My hands curled into fists.
