Shedding his apron once more, Kit headed for the front of the stall. I stayed seated and scowling even after he called back, “And don’t forget the dessert!”
17
Kit
It was cowardly to run from conversations I didn’t want to have, and this made twice in one morning.
The prospect of confronting Levitt with what Nora told me was daunting enough without also admitting to Penny that I was afraid to get used to not sleeping alone. I enjoyed and wanted it as much as he did, but there was still that small, insistent voice in the back of my head reminding me that the people who loved me had a habit of leaving. Despite knowing it was unfair to take those worries out on Penny, I couldn’t bring myself to agree to any of it.
I hadn’t wanted to agree to the dinner with Violette either, but denying her would have invited trouble. Gods knew Penny and I already had more than our share of that. I’d figure out a way to make it up to him eventually.
When I arrived in front of Levitt’s office door in the Ossuary, Merrick’s stood wide open across the hall. His space looked a lot like Levitt’s, with full bookshelves along the walls and a desk in the center. But the fireplace was coldand empty, and the Shroud Warden was nowhere to be seen, which I counted as a blessing.
The Right Hand’s door opened, releasing a wave of tantalizing warmth from the fire burning within. Levitt’s face was more drawn than usual as he waved me inside.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he said as he leaned against the edge of his desk.
I made my way to the fireplace to warm my hands as an excuse to not have to face him directly.
“To be honest, I’d rather not be.”
Levitt heaved a breath. “I’m sorry about yesterday, Kit. Truly.”
It would have been easier if the raid on our house was the cause of the weight compressing my chest. I could be angry, shout him down, or demand some kind of recompense for the repeated invasions of our privacy. Instead, hurt chased away any sense of indignation and left me feeling as breathless as Penny had been that night in the graveyard.
“This isn’t about yesterday.” I struggled to get the words out of a throat that felt suddenly tight. “This is about thirteen years ago.”
Levitt was quiet for a moment. “I’m not sure I get your meaning.”
“You followed me to the mission. You knew where to find me, but you didn’t. You came back here and went on with your life like you didn’t beg on your knees for that knowledge.”
The silence that filled the room made my skin prickle with discomfort.
He didn’t say a word when I turned to face him, just stared at the stump of his right wrist and traced the puckered scar there with the fingertipsof his left hand.
“How long have you known?” he asked after a moment.
It was as good as a confession. He at least had the decency not to deny it. I wasn’t sure I could have handled it if he had, but the fact that he was so quick to apologize for the raid on our house but not for this stung.
“Since I took Penny to the mission outside Emberstead,” I replied.
Levitt scowled. “Running away again?”
I caught myself and schooled my tone into one of strained patience as I answered. “You know better than that.”
When he looked up at me, there was hurt in his face that I didn’t expect.
“Do I?” he asked. “Because I thought you wouldn’t leave without me back then, but you did. We were supposed to go together, but you left me behind, Kit.”
Anger flared in my gut, hot enough to momentarily overwhelm everything else. “That was the agreement! I was afraid for my life! I saw a chance to slip out unnoticed, and I didn’t know if I’d ever get another.” I gestured at him. “You wereneverunder the scrutiny that I was. You had a better chance to get out without me than you ever didwithme.”
My own hurt swelled again as the spark died back. “I did what we agreed to do. You were the only other person who knew about the mission. You knew where to go, and clearly you went. What I don’t understand is why you stopped there and didn’t go any further. Why you left me out there on my own hoping and praying you’d show up someday. Why you told Nora that you loved me, but you couldn’t ever bear to tellme. Not then and not now. I had to find out fromher.”
Levitt faced away from me. He braced his hand on the top of his desk and curled his other arm across his middle.
“I thought I was keeping you safe,” he muttered. “Or that I would be a reminder of things you preferred to forget.”
The entire notion was absurd. I couldn’t leave Ashpoint without a chaperone after my first escape attempt, but he could. The second Oath had been a solitary endeavor back then. If he’d gone to the mission while out looking for his body, he would have been alone, and it would have been assumed that he’d been arrested if he never came back. There was no safer time for him to slip away.
