But his words felt familiar, and I wondered how many times I’d said almost the same thing to Penny. All my secrets and my careful guarding of information and making decisions about what I thought would protect him were exactly what I was angry at Levitt for.
Levitt and I were similar, both damaged by having grown up in the cult and in my father’s ominous shadow. If things had been different and Levitt had allowed me the choice, I would have welcomed him on my escape without a second thought. I would have given him all of me, because back then, he was the only one who made me feel safe, cared for, and valued. He knew all the dark parts of me, and he loved me in spite of them. Maybe I’d loved him too. Maybe we could have been happy together, far from Ashpoint and everything vile it stood for.
But he took that chance away from me, and I couldn’t help but worry I was doing the same to Penny. If I didn’t stop putting the onus of his safety solely on myself, if I didn’t start including him in my decisions, I could lose what was likely the best thing to ever happen to me.
I crossed to the desk and leaned against it beside Levitt with my arms crossed over my chest. He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye but didn’t speak.
“That should have been my choice to make, not yours,” I said. “I would have taken that risk. I would have been glad to have you then.”
Levitt let out a rush of breath. “But not now.”
“Things are different now.”
He gave a humorless chuckle, and a faint smile curled his lips. “Penny made that quite clear last night.”
“I’m sorry. He shouldn’t have done that. I’d have preferred to tell you myself.”
I hadn’t intended to tell him about any of this until Penny forced my hand, but I didn’t divulge that. He already looked wounded enough.
Levitt turned to face out into the room again, leaning against the desk near enough to me that our shoulders touched. Several times he opened his mouth to speak only to close it again.
“Don’t hold back on me now,” I said.
“I will admit,” he started softly, “I had hoped we could have built something now that you’re back. But I realized last night that I’m too late. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy, and I see how happy Penny makes you. I don’t ever remember you smiling half as much around me when we were young as you do around Penny. I should have realized sooner that he’s more than your recruit.”
“More and more all the time,” I said.
Levitt’s smile was bittersweet. “That will have to be enough for me.”
Any acknowledgement I could have given to that sentiment felt cruel, so I tried instead to get us back on track.
“This needs to stay between us,” I said. “Please. Reimond and Thoma are the only other people who know, and we want to keep it that way. Given Merrick’s ire at thetwo of us, it feels unwise to be open about our relationship.”
Levitt dipped his head. “Of course. But you know things are different now than they were when you were here last. You're allowed to have a life and care for someone, and you should if that's what you want. But I understand.” He pushed away from the desk and went around behind it to settle in his chair. “Speaking of Merrick. About yesterday…”
I waved a dismissive hand. “I’m not so naive as to think it was personal. Not on your account, anyway. I know you have to be careful about any appearances of favoritism, and you have to take action on the accusations brought before you. I’m not happy about it, but I understand. And it’s not like Harlan’s claims were completely unfounded.”
Levitt’s brows shot up. “You’re saying youdidtake hemlock from him?”
Lying to him now was uncomfortable after so much honesty, and I paced to the windows and back to burn off nervous energy as I answered. “He and my father gave it to me for years when I was younger. Not enough to kill me, but enough to build up my tolerance so I wouldn’t disgrace my father by dying during my third Oath. Gods forbid if he wasn’t the one to end me himself.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
I shrugged, wishing it would alleviate the tension binding up my neck and shoulders. “How could you? I never said anything, but I should have.” Yet another decision that might have changed everything. If someone else had been privy to my father’s willingness to break the rules when it suited him, maybe he would have been forced out, and I could have been free of him sooner.
“Regardless,” I said, ready to move on, “that’s probably where they got the idea to accuse me of doing it again.”
“When did your father start giving it to you?” Levitt asked.
“When I was fourteen. After he found out I’d been to the mission for my hand.”
Levitt sat up in his chair and propped his elbows on the desktop. “Whywereyou at the mission? This time I mean.”
The night at the graveyard was a blur of aching muscles, bruised palms, and blistered fingers, but I remembered every moment of watching Penny fade and my desperation to get him somewhere safe.
“Penny was sick when we left here,” I explained, “and he got worse out on the road in the cold. He passed out when we were digging up the grave, and there was nowhere else to go for help. I wasn’t about to let him die out there. It was worth the risk, and I would do it again.”
Levitt made a soft noise, and when I chanced a look at him, he was smiling. “That’s one of the many things I loved about you,” he said. “People were always more important to you than the Bone Men.”
