“We’re done here,” Levitt said. He gestured for the others to exit, trailing after them and pausing once more on the front step before I closed the door. “I’ll see to it that the horse is put up. Goodnight, Kit.”
I couldn’t muster anything in response, so I shut the door in his face.
I wasn’t ready to face Penny again. My stomach was one giant knot, and my mind was a mess of emotions I couldn’t put names to. The only thing I could focus on was finding the hemlock before anyone else did.
Our packs were spilled across the floor, and I crawled through the mess, shaking out every article of clothing and praying to find the vial of poison inside. My anxiety worsened the longer I searched and didn’t find it.
“What are you looking for?”
I looked up to find Penny leaning in the kitchen doorway. His stern expression had given way to one of idle interest.
“The hemlock,” I replied.
“It’s not there. They looked.” He wandered into the room and poked at the mess with the toe of his boot. His eyes stayed locked on the floor.
“If it’s not here, that means it fell out in town,” I said, “and if someone finds it?—”
“They won’t.”
When I glanced up, he still wouldn’t look at me. “What do you mean? How do you…” Realization struck. Not once during the raid had Penny been nervous. He’d been annoyed by the intrusion, agitated, but never worried.
My brows drew down as I pinned him with a glare. “What did you do?”
He sighed and met my eyes. “I dumped it out on the road before we got here. Nora saidneitherof us should be taking it, and you wouldn’t stop, so I did what I had to.”
He sounded as irritated as I felt. It was a relief that Penny had inadvertently saved us both from the consequences of my attempt at cheating our way through the third Oath, but he’d caused twice as many problems in the last few minutes as he’d solved.
Part of me wanted to thank him. Truthfully, hedeservedmy thanks, at least for this. But any comfort I might have found in his efforts to protect me paled in comparison to the sense of betrayal that I could no longer ignore.
I didn’t trust easily. Growing up in the cult, surrounded by deceit and manipulation, I learned that trust and vulnerability were weaknesses that could—and would—be exploited. So, I closed off every part of myself that might be used to hurt me, and I never let anyone fully in again.
Penny was the first person in a long time that I’d thought I could trust. He made me feel safe enough to start opening back up. Now, I worried that may have been a mistake. It wasn’t enough for him to know that he was the one I had chosen to be with. He wanted grand gestures and public affection, but those were things I couldn’t give him yet. He’d told me back on the road that it was enough for now that I made him happy. Clearly, “for now” had lasted until we got back to Ashpoint and no longer applied.
“Why did you do that?” I asked quietly.
He frowned. “I told you,neitherof us should have been taking it?—”
“That’s not what I mean.”
His brows pinched. “Then what do you mean?”
“You told me you weren’t the kind of person who went around kissing other men, especially when there’s nothingto prove. But this makes twice now that you’ve taken it upon yourself?—”
“You’re not just some other man, Kit,” Penny cut in, bold before dropping his eyes to the floor again. “You’re mine.”
I bristled. For so long, I’d been a tool my father put to use whenever the whim struck him. I was never given a choice in the matter. My freedom to choose was stripped away piece by piece as I got old enough to think for myself until my every move was dictated by the man who wanted a supplicant rather than a son. The idea of belonging to someone again, even someone as kind and gentle as Penny, was enough to sicken me. It was stifling, and restrictive, and uncomfortable, and I didn’t like it.
“I’m not a possession to be fought over.” My voice came out sharp, and Penny flinched.
“I didn't mean it like that.”
I pushed to my feet. “Then how did you mean it? Because that certainly felt proprietary.”
His eyes darted up to mine, and his hands curled into loose fists. “Maybe it was.” Frustration bled through his tone. “Maybe Idowant to fight for you. You should fight for what you love.”
“There’s nothing to fight about!” I threw my arms up and tried to rein in my irritation without success. “I told you that it doesn’t matter how Levitt feels about me because I’m withyou, and that’s not going to change. He’s no threat to you.”
Penny’s shoulders drew in, and he curled his arms around his middle. When he spoke, his voice came out so small that it made my chest ache.
