“I don't know what you do when you visit him. What you talk about. And I didn't think about it until you said heloved you once.” He looked aside, and a faint blush crept over his cheeks. “Then I saw him today, and I thought, what if he loves you still?” His brows knit together as distress overtook his meek expression. “He's powerful, Kit. I know he is, and you've known him longer than me. If you're trying to take Merrick's place, what if the easiest way to do that is to be with Levitt? He wouldn't deny you if he loves you. He'd want to keep you close.” He stopped long enough to huff an unhappy breath. “I would,” he said, then softened again. “Ido.”
The distance between us felt suddenly vast. My anger dimmed at the sight of him so vulnerable, and I picked my way through the clutter on the floor to stand before him. I knew the moment I touched him it would be over. I would only want to hold him until we both felt better, and this was a conversation we needed to finish. Comfort would have to wait.
“Pen, youdoknow what Levitt and I talk about. I tell you everything.” I could refute the rest, but I needed to know where this was coming from. I thought I’d been clear in how I felt, but there was obviously something I’d missed. “Why are you so jealous of him?”
Penny’s face scrunched, and he squeezed himself tighter. “It's not that, it's… I've never had anything so good. Anyone. I've wanted it for half my life, but no one…” He gave a humorless laugh. “I liked you the moment I met you. I've liked you more and more ever since. I couldn't do any of this without you. Wouldn't want to.” His chest swelled with a steadying breath, and he stifled the cough that chased it. Quiet hung between us for another moment before he finally concluded, “I need you.”
I reached out to him, running my hands down his arms again and relishing the way my touch seemed to instantlysoothe him. His shoulders relaxed, his grip on his sides eased, and his expression smoothed as he leaned into the small bit of affection.
“You told me back in Emberstead that you trusted me,” I said. “Do you still?”
Penny shifted on his feet. “It's Levitt I don't trust. You say all the time these people are awful, and he's their leader. That makes him the worst of all.”
“He’s one of the few I think wecantrust here, Pen.”
A wry smile pulled at my lips when his frown returned and he huffed.
“Well,Idon't trust him.”
I squeezed his arms. “Then trustmeenough to know that it wouldn’t matter how much easier it might make things if I was with Levitt and not with you. I never expected any of this to be easy.” I dipped my head to meet his eyes. “And I choseyou.”
He looked away again as he sighed and wrung his hands in the sides of his shirt. “What are you going to tell him?”
“The truth, now.” I shrugged. “You didn’t give me much choice in that.”
He winced and dropped his arms to his sides. When his gaze met mine again, he looked determined. “I'm sorry that I kissed you, but I'm not sorry about the poison. It's terrible stuff, and it was making you miserable. It kills things, Kit. What if it killed you?”
“That’s what I was trying to avoid by taking smaller doses of it.” I sighed and slid my hands down to hold his. “Still, thank you for getting rid of it. I think you probably saved my life, though more from whatever punishment Merrick would have meted out if he’d found it and less from the hemlock.”
His soft smile gave me pause. It was one of my favorite things about him. It showed all of his kindness and the boyish charm I'd grown so fond of. But I’d given him the reassurance he needed, and now I needed his in return.
“But, Penny, I need to know thatIcan trustyou. What you did in there with Levitt was dangerous. I know you don’t want to be a secret and, believe me, I don’t want to have to hide this, either, but what if Merrick had seen? Or one of the Sentinels? I can smooth things over with Levitt, but the others…”
“What makes you think Levitt won’t tell them?” he asked.
“I’m going to ask him not to. It won’t be the first thing he kept from Merrick.” There was, in fact, a lot that the Right Hand didn’t tell his Shroud Warden. I had no doubt Levitt would keep this confidence too.
“I’m sorry.” Penny squeezed my hands. “You can trust me. I promise.”
I wanted to, more than anything. It felt good to be known and to have at least one person with whom I could be more of myself than I had been in years. I didn’t want to have to be guarded with Penny. As scared as I was to trust anyone, there was something about him that made me feel safe. I wasn’t willing to give that up.
“Good.” I pulled him in.
Penny slumped against me and leaned his head on my shoulder. “You are mine though, aren’t you, Kit?”
“I don’t want to belongtoanyone. I want to belongwiththem.” I wound my arms around his shoulders. “I want to belong withyou.”
He sniffled and pressed closer. “Even still?”
I kissed the side of his head. Despite the evening having fallen to disaster, I couldn’t deny that it felt good to havesomeone fight for me. Too often over the years the responsibility had fallen on me to defend others, and no one ever returned the favor. But Penny was unlike anyone else in my life. He was fearless and reckless, and part of me appreciated that even though I felt like I shouldn’t encourage such behavior.
But just like I wasn’t willing to give up on him, he wasn’t planning to go anywhere. I couldn’t ignore that he’d said he loved me, even if he hadn’t said it outright. For as much as I’d disparaged Edgar and Cait’s hasty courtship, I didn’t doubt Penny’s feelings were genuine. He said it in everything he did: the way he kissed me in the orchard, the way he looked at me the morning after we left the mission, the way he gently quieted me back to sleep when I woke us both with my nightmares. Unlike Levitt, Penny made it obvious enough that his admission didn’t surprise me. I was almost expecting it, even if the thought of it terrified me.
“Yeah, Pen.” I cupped my hand to the back of his head and threaded my fingers through his hair. “Even still.”
16
Penny
