And he tried not to let himself picture the pain in Sam’s eyes afterward, when Ollie had come out of the flashback.
He loved seeing Sam’s smile, and he loved hearing Sam’s laugh, his jokes, his silly stories. He remembered when they’d met, not quite two years ago now, Sam had been so happy, so carefree, so confident and upbeat and funny. He still was, mostly. But recently, Ollie felt like he’d blunted all of that in a way—like all he was doing was bringing Sam down, making life difficult, sucking away all of Sam’s light and brilliance. And that... was scary to him. He wished—oh, how he desperately wished—he knew what to do, how to fix himself so that Samdidn’t have to deal with all of his nonsense. Not that it was nonsense, really. It was just frustrating to him that he was still dealing with it after so long. And he also wished he knew how to move past all his other insecurities too, so he could finally admit his feelings to Sam, tell Sam he loved him,make loveto him. He wanted that more than anything else.
If anyone deserved that happiness, it was Sam.
From his pocket, Ollie’s phone buzzed twice in rapid succession, and he jumped as the alert startled him. Grunting, he turned onto his side, pulled his phone out, and unlocked the screen. The notification indicated he’d received a new text from his mom and then several from Sam. He tapped on Sam’s name first.
Sam (6:25 p.m.):Sorry I missed your call. In a meeting. We’ll probably be here for another hour.
Sam (6:27 p.m.):I’m assuming you called to tell me the angry mob of ducks followed you home, in which case, I hope all of our morning running sessions came in handy and you were able to outrun them. But if not, they might be bribed again. One almond cookie might still be enough.
Sam (6:28 p.m.):(they’re in the cupboard with the cereal and oatmeal)
Sam (6:28 p.m.):(also, I love you)
Sam (6:28 p.m.):(a whole lot)
Sam (6:29 p.m.):(I’ll call when I can. Eduardo is giving me the side-eye. I’d better stop texting you now)
Sam (6:29 p.m.):(I love you)
Ollie’s earlier tears turned into laughter, and he shook his head as he sat up. He reread Sam’s messages one more time, and he could almost picture his boyfriend’s kind, bright blue eyes, crinkling slightly at the edges as he smiled and said, “I loveyou, Oll.” Ollie’s heart fluttered in his chest, filling him with a comfortable warmth and happiness and pushing his pain and grief back into the background.
He scooted into the corner of the couch so he could half-lean on the armrest and then tapped on the other notification for his mom’s text message. Hers was just a single message, albeit a long one, and he read it quickly.
Mom (6:25 p.m.):Hope you loved the cookies. I tried something new with them. Did you taste the difference? JoJo and I are going hiking at Mt. Si tomorrow (I know, I know, it’ll be terribly crowded because it’s a Saturday, but I’ve been too busy during the week to go). I’m heading out early, so if you want to join me, I can pick you up. (I think Sam has work?) I’ll be leaving early, maybe 5? Just let me know. I love you! XOXOXO
He frowned but didn’t respond immediately. He hadn’t hiked Mt. Si in years now, but last time, he distinctly remembered finishing the hike with more blisters than he cared to count. The hike was just about eight miles round trip, with over 3,000 feet of elevation gain, and as popular as it was, the trail was nearly always packed full of hikers—especially on the weekends and especially in summer. Ollie really preferred quiet trails. Strenuous was fine, and he loved longer hikes and was always in awe of the incredible views from the mountain peaks in the Pacific Northwest. But he hesitated at the prospect of being around so many other people when he would really prefer to just get to enjoy nature and the quiet forests and the company of his mom and JoJo.
Given how tired he was and how little he’d been sleeping, he should probably try to catch up a bit on sleep in the morning rather than drag himself out of bed at 4:30 a.m., on purpose thistime. Then again, he also hadn’t spent any quality time with his mom lately—stopping by briefly to pick up cookies, which she made for them frequently, didn’t really count—and he missed spending time with her.
They should probably talk, too. His mom had always been caring and insightful and one of his biggest supporters, even before everything that had happened that fall nearly two years ago. And she always seemed to know what to say, to know what he needed to hear.
After hesitating for another few seconds, Ollie composed a short text telling her that he’d love to go hiking with her, that yes, Sam did have to work (unfortunately), and that he would be ready to go at 5:00 a.m. Then his stomach growled again, and he sighed as he stood to make his way into the kitchen.
Ten minutes later, he sat at the kitchen table, opened his laptop, and took a bite of his chicken salad croissant sandwich. He had work he should probably try to finish—data to analyze and a write-up to complete. But he couldn’t convince himself to log in to his work interface. Or check his email. Or do any of the other things he should probably do, like his budgeting or paying his bills that were coming due or checking his calendar.
And the chicken salad was good—as always. Sam was a fantastic chef and loved cooking and preparing meals for both of them. But Ollie just didn’t even feel like eating, despite what his stomach was trying to tell him he needed.
So he shut his laptop, ate only one more small bite of the sandwich, and then cleaned up, did the dishes, and resigned himself to an early bedtime. His phone vibrated in his pocket just as he was about to head in to take a shower, and he pulled it out to see another message from his mom, this one accompanied by an adorable picture of JoJo holding her leash in her mouth and sitting up on her haunches, clearly grinning at the camera.
Mom (7:18 p.m.):Someone was happy to hear the news that you’ll be joining us tomorrow! :) I know I can’t wait. I’ll pack snacks, but don’t forget all the usual—water, sunscreen, a hat, your trekking poles. (Yeah, I know, you’re an adult and have been for years, but I’m still your mom, and I’m still *always* going to remind you to bring your sunscreen!) Love you! See you in the morning. XOXOXO
Shaking his head, Ollie sent her back a few select emojis, told her he loved her, and then plugged his phone in to charge while he took a quick shower, brushed his teeth, and changed into his pajamas. Then, still completely exhausted and now barely able to keep his eyes open, he crawled into bed, pulled the covers up to his chin, and promptly fell asleep just about as his head hit the pillow.
Chapter 4
Sam called twice, with no answer. And that was after his string of text messages around six thirty and after another string of text messages when the meeting was out but as he was being pulled into another one-on-one meeting with his boss.
When he hung up the phone the second time, he could feel his heart start to race, and he steadied himself with a deep breath as he tried to focus on his work again. It was unlike Ollie to not answer the phone or return his texts. But, he reasoned, Ollie was probably quite tired. Maybe he’d gone to bed early, even though he’d said he’d try to stay up until Sam got home. Or maybe he’d forgotten to charge his phone. Or maybe he was still working even. Maybe he had an experiment that required him to be there, in the lab, at—Sam glanced at his watch—8:15 p.m. It wasn’t that unheard of, after all.
Something told him, however, that Ollie was definitely not still at work, and the worry started again. He stared at his computer for another few minutes, trying to decide whether to just take off early and resign himself to an extra-long weekend to make up for not finishing what he was supposed to today or whether to try to call one more time.
In the end, neither of those options really worked for him. He grabbed his phone and began dialing Katherine’s number as he stood and moved to shut the door to his office. She answered after only one ring.
“Sam?”
“Hi, Mrs. E. Have you heard from Ollie?” he asked quickly, neglecting the usual greetings and pleasantries. He felt altogether too concerned for all that right now. He continued before she could even answer. “I texted him and called twice, and he’s not answering his phone or returning my texts, and Ijust—I’m just really worried about him. It’s been... I haven’t heard from him since late afternoon. And I—”
