It shouldn’t be like this. It should be a little sad, yet still hopeful.
They should be just enjoying the rest of their time together, without any heaviness and doubt. Agreeing that they’d call and talk to each other every night, that they’d be counting down the minutes until they’d see each other again, that it was going to be rough but that they’d have even more to look forward to when they’d see each other again.
And Ollie had tried his best to have that outlook. For the last two days, he’d been trying. But the truth was, no matter what he tried to tell himself, no matter how many times he repeated that he was fine, he knew he wasn’t. He was scared. Actually, honestly scared. And that was a little embarrassing.
His fear of having to make his way through the airport and on and off the plane alone was one thing—a thing he’d been desperately trying to not think about. But he was a grown man. He shouldn’t be scared to be alone once he got home. And hewouldn’treallyeven be alone. His mom would be close by, just a phone call and a twenty-minute drive away.
He’d be . . . fine. Everything would be fine.
Still, he clung to Sam’s hand, even as the car turned tightly to the right and then stopped and shut off. He clung to Sam’s hand and didn’t look up. In fact, he closed his eyes, trying to imagine that they were already home, back in Seattle, weeks from now. Maybe celebrating the wonderful job he’d done with his presentation at the conference or the latest developments on Sam’s project at work. Or celebrating their belated two-year anniversary, since Sam likely wouldn’t be home by then.
Ollie swallowed hard and finally lifted his eyes. Sam was watching him with concern, the normal brightness in his eyes tempered by uncertainty.
“I’m sorry, I’m not doing a great job of—of staying positive today,” Ollie said, dropping his eyes back to their hands. Sam reached over and set his other hand on top of Ollie’s. “I’m trying, I really am. And I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine. We’ll be... fine...”
He trailed off and glanced up again, this time avoiding Sam’s gaze to look out beyond the windows of the vehicle. They’d stopped in a small parking lot at a waterfront park of sorts—the Boston Main Channel stretching out in front of them and an upscale casual restaurant with outdoor and rooftop seating behind them. There were a few people walking along the sidewalks lining the water’s edge, but it was mostly a quiet afternoon.
“You know, I wish I... could just...” His lower lip began to tremble, and he made himself look back at Sam. The gentleness in Sam’s eyes tugged at his heart and reminded him of all the reasons it really would be fine.
“What is it, love?” Sam asked, his voice a little unsteady. He lifted his hand and brought it up to Ollie’s cheek, and Ollieshuddered as he closed his eyes and leaned into his boyfriend’s touch.
Now more than ever, he wished he could say the words. Now more than ever, he wished he could just tell Sam how he felt.
“Can we just...” He turned his head and kissed Sam’s palm, then smiled weakly as he opened his eyes again. “Can we just skip the restaurant? I just... want to be with you. Maybe we can just... walk or—or sit on one of those benches over there or...”
Sam’s smile grew, and his expression softened even more as he nodded. “Of course, love.”
They got out of the car, and Sam wrapped his arm around Ollie’s waist as they walked slowly together along the sidewalk, which wound its way around small patches of grass and trees. They stopped a minute later at the railing that ran along the edge of the sidewalk before the drop-off into the water. Sam stepped behind Ollie, and Ollie let himself lean back against Sam’s chest. He closed his eyes as Sam carefully slipped his other arm around Ollie’s midsection and then bent down to brush a light kiss on Ollie’s cheek.
This was a comfortable place to be—in his boyfriend’s embrace. Comfortable and safe. So he just... stayed there and let go of everything else—all of his negative thoughts and feelings and worries. They didn’t belong here in this moment anyway. All that belonged was him and Sam. Him and Sam and all the love they shared.
Time passed, although he couldn’t say how much, until finally, Sam shifted just enough to kiss Ollie’s cheek.
“When I get back home, we should get a puppy,” Sam said.
“Wh-what?” Ollie laughed as he spun around in Sam’s arms. Sam gazed off across the water, his expression thoughtful, then he smiled and looked down at Ollie.
“A puppy. To keep JoJo company. And a house. We should... think about maybe... buying a house.”
The thought felt... right, and Ollie inhaled sharply and found himself nodding in agreement. “A house with a big fenced yard. Maybe... along Lake Sammamish.”
“On the southwest side,” Sam said, “with a deck that faces east. So we can watch the sunrise every morning. Together.”
Ollie leaned against Sam and wrapped his arms low around Sam’s waist as he rested his head on Sam’s chest. “That sounds... perfect.”
“We might have to save up for a while.”
“Ha, yeah, I guess that’s true,” Ollie murmured, and he let out a deep sigh. “But we... have time?”
“We do,” Sam said.
Ollie felt a gentle kiss press against the top of his head. He pulled back and looked up at Sam again. Love filled his boyfriend’s eyes.
“Can we walk for a bit? Do we...? I-I can’t look at the time.”
Sam pursed his lips and blinked, then nodded and let go of Ollie long enough to glance at his watch. His smile returned.
“Yeah, we’ve got—we’ve got time, love.”
