“Oh, I know you well enough now, Sam. If there’s a BLT on the menu, you’ve gotta have it,” Ollie said, his eyes lighting up with amusement.
Sam’s heart fluttered a little, and he reached a hand out toward his boyfriend. In what seemed like less than a second, Ollie was in his arms, pressed up against his chest, hugging him fiercely. And they just stood there for a few minutes, neither of them wanting to move.
God, he needed this.
He lowered his head to rest in the crook of Ollie’s shoulder and let out a heavy sigh.
“I don’t like this, you know,” Sam said quietly, and he lifted his head slightly to press a light kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek.
“I know.”
“I mean, I don’t... want to stay here,” he clarified, and he straightened up so he could look at Ollie. “I want to go home with you. But...”
Ollie closed his eyes for a moment, and Sam could feel some sort of tension in Ollie’s shoulders. He tried not to worry too much what that meant, and instead, he lifted his hands to frame Ollie’s face and then slowly drew Ollie to him for a gentle kiss. It was brief and chaste, and when it was over, Sam pulled back and studied Ollie’s eyes, searching for any uncertainty or anxiety. But all he found was love and concern and compassion.
Both of Ollie’s hands came up to settle on Sam’s wrists, and with a soft smile, Ollie said, “I understand why you have to stay. Um... I’m sorry I overreacted earlier. I...”
Ollie trailed off, but Sam could tell that he wasn’t really finished with his thought, and so, Sam waited. With a short exhale, Ollie dropped his hands to Sam’s waist and then leaned against Sam’s chest, and Sam wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s shoulders, holding him tightly.
“I still have times where I feel... guilty,” Ollie said quietly. “And I know what you’ll say—that I shouldn’t feel that way—but... sometimes I can’t help it. I worry that it’s taking me too long and that you’ve... sort of put your life on hold, waiting for me, hoping that I’ll eventually heal enough to have a normal relationship. To...”
This time, when Ollie hesitated, Sam couldn’t help himself; he pressed a kiss into Ollie’s hair and shook his head.
“I don’t regret a single moment I’ve spent with you, Ollie. I wouldn’t trade a moment with you for anything else. I will wait for you,with you. As long as it takes. Please, please don’t feel guilty, and please don’t ever think...” Sam paused for a moment and shook his head again. “God, I just messed up so much. You... you definitely didn’t overreact. I misspoke. I was—Iamtired, and I just... didn’t finish my thought. Your reaction was, um, not unreasonable.”
A hot huff of air hit his neck as Ollie laughed lightly. “‘Not unreasonable,’ huh?”
When Ollie straightened up and their eyes met, Sam saw the same amusement in them as he’d seen earlier. He tried to smile back, but the weight of his mistakes still felt too heavy.
“I need to... I mean, can we sit and talk... about what Imeantto say, not what Iactuallysaid? Because what I actually said was really not what I was thinking, and—and I...” Sam let his voice trail off as Ollie nodded gently.
A couple of minutes later, they were both settled on the loveseat. Sam was hungrier than he’d thought, and he took several large bites of his BLT before slowing down enough to notice that Ollie wasn’t eating with as much enthusiasm. He set his plate down on the small side table in front of them and then took a quick sip of wine and leaned back into the cushions, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand.
A hand set softly on his thigh. “Are you okay, Sam?”
“Yeah, yeah, just, um, a little headache,” he admitted, and he opened his eyes again to see Ollie watching him with concern. He smiled weakly and glanced at the salad Ollie had barely touched. “You’re not... hungry?”
Ollie lowered his eyes. “I’m trying. I know I need to eat. Just the whole, you know... everything.”
Sam reached over and covered Ollie’s hand with his, trying to not let his feelings of guilt take over again. But he couldn’t help silently acknowledging the fact that his screwup had caused Ollie yet more stress, to add to that whole... “everything.” The least he could do would be to explain it all. Maybe that would help.
And so, with a deep breath, Sam began speaking quietly, telling Ollie everything he’d been thinking about that day but hadn’t managed to say out loud. Although he knew Ollie had been there, he told Ollie how the doctor had mentioned Barry would need to be in the hospital for five to seven days and that Barry would need assistance both settling in at home and taking care of himself for “several” weeks. Later, in a conversation with Jaz, when Ollie hadn’t been there, Sam had found out “several” meant probably four to six weeks. Barry would be restricted from driving, lifting, doing any sort of strenuous activities or housework.
And finally, as he wiped tears from his eyes, Sam explained how his father and mother couldn’t be relied on for anything, really.
“When Barry was sick before—the kidney infection—I... was supposed to be going on a trip to NKU. It was, um, for my interview with the Department of Engineering for admission to the master’s program. I didn’t... I hadn’t spoken with my dad in a long time before that, and Jaz was away then. Some study abroad program in The Netherlands. Barry was in the hospital, and it was bad for a while. Touch and go. The doctors weren’tsure...” Sam sniffled and shook his head. “When they’d finally stabilized him enough and they were sure he wasn’t going to die, I—I called the admissions office and was able to reschedule my interview, but I could only push it back two weeks. So I did. And Barry got better, enough to be discharged from the hospital but not enough that he could be alone. He needed to be driven to his doctor’s appointments, and he needed someone there, or at least close by. And when I called my dad to ask if he could stay with Barry just for two days while I flew to Kansas and back for my interview...”
“He wouldn’t even . . . ?”
Sam hung his head and didn’t respond immediately. Ollie’s hand moved from his thigh to his shoulder, and then Ollie gently tugged him into a warm embrace. With a shuddering breath, Sam returned the hug and buried his head into his boyfriend’s shoulder as he held back his tears. After a moment, he managed to straighten back up.
“Dad said he was too busy and to find someone else. And then he questioned whether Barry really needed someone there with him if it was only two days. And then... he reminded me again how he felt about architectural engineering as my field of study and said I was wasting my time. I should just... cancel my trip, stay home, and save myself the money.”
“You never told me that before,” Ollie said quietly. “I mean, you said you hadn’t been able to go straight to grad school when you finished undergrad, but I didn’t know...”
Sam nodded and leaned against Ollie again, finding comfort in his boyfriend’s warmth. It wasn’t something he really liked to talk much about, but at this point, he figured Ollie needed the whole story.
“It set my plans back by two years,” he said. “The admissions committee agreed to let me re-interview the next year, but then I still had to defer my admission for another year.That’s why I didn’t end up starting at NKU until you’d already been there for what, two years?”
