But I don’t stand a chance. I’ve had enough disappointment to last me a lifetime.
A slight pressure starts down below. My eyes snap open.
I’m hard.
It’s been so fucking long since I wanted anyone, I don’t remember the last time I got hard. It was before the accident, back when I was still dating around a bit. Then, they put us in the ground, and all I could think of was getting out, then dreading the second I had to go back underneath. When the first pain pill touched my tongue after I got out of the hospital, any thoughts of getting back to normal flew out the window. Whatever shit was in those pills, it killed my sex drive completely. I couldn't get hard to jerk off anymore even if I had the urge.
Holy shit—I’m hard.
I’m pretty sure I’ve never been this excited about seeing my own erection before in my life. Moving cautiously, like I’m going to scare it or something, I wrap my hand around the base. It twitches, arousal flooding down the way it’s supposed to.
My eyes shut, one hand planted on the wall as the other works off distant muscle memory. It’s a little embarrassing, but I think about her face, her hair softly grazing her shoulders, the elegant slope of her hips, her legs. She’s got beautiful legs. I’ll bet they're smooth like silk. I wonder what they’d feel like wrapped around my waist in bed.
A groan slips from between my teeth as I finish in rolling waves of pleasure. It’s a shock, leaving me tingling, and it feels so…normal. Silence hits, save for the spray of water. My chest heaves, more from shock than anything else. Alright, I think I’m done here. Fumbling, I get my hand on the handle and turn the faucet off.
Did that just happen?
For the first time in ages, a flood of energy moves through my body. I’ve gotten by with a closely followed schedule. Wake up, act like a person, make some coffee because that’s what people do, head out and do some work because that’s what puts money into my account and keeps a roof over my head. Rinse, repeat, and I’m good. It hasn’t made me feel anything so far.
But this, seeing a glimpse of her, made me feel a little bit stronger—and a lot hornier than I expected. It’s hard to tell how horny I am after so long without a sex drive. Maybe I don’t have a good grasp on what my baseline is anymore.
All that being said, I sleep hard that night.
The next morning, Andy is gone in town, which throws off my carefully curated schedule of events. I have my coffee then walk out to the barn and saddle up Starling, but it’s my brother-in-law, Deacon, who rides around the corner on his giant horse, Bones. He comes to a halt, glancing me over from beneath the brim of his hat.
“You look less sad than usual,” he says.
“Thanks,” I say.
It took a minute to adjust to his straightforward personality, but I realize now this is his way of being positive. It’s a compliment, albeit a backhanded one. He takes his hat off for a second, flashing the ink up his buzzed head, then adjusts it back on. Every time I get a good look at him, sitting on his giant horse, it makes me realize I don’t know my sister as well as I thought.
“We got a water flow problem at the creek on the west border,” he says. “I’d like you to come along with me. Ed’s gonna handle general maintenance shit for the day.”
I jerk my head in a nod. He swings Bones around, and I follow them out into the yard. Freya’s puppy, a gift from Deacon before they were even together, Stu, is rolling around in the dirt. We thunder by, and he jumps up, running as far as the edge of the fenceline. Someday, he’ll be big enough to roam the ranch. Today, his legs are too stubby to get beyond the yard.
We head up the hill, through the field. Deacon doesn’t do much by halves; he’s going at a full gallop. I’m having some trouble persuading Starling to match his gait. By the time we pull up to the creek, he’s already been waiting there for a few minutes. The corner of his mouth jerks up.
“She’s a lazy one,” he says.
I pat her neck, and she shakes her head, blowing out an annoyed huff. “She’s alright. We’ll get there when we do.”
Deacon swings down. “Ain’t that the truth.”
The creek is dammed up with debris, a pretty common occurrence in areas where there’s higher ground above water, I’m beginning to realize. All it takes is a few days of bad weather, or a short, fierce storm, to send sticks, rocks, and dead grass tumbling down the hill into the water. It wouldn’t be an issue, except the creek is routed to run quickly, like a funnel, so the cows at the bottom always have a fresh source. Which means we’re always out here clearing impacted mud and sticks out.
Deacon wades into the water in his boots, and I follow, coming to a halt when it hits my waist. It’s cold as hell, but it doesn’t seem to bother him, so I’m not about to complain. It wakes me right up, making me work faster.
“You got plans this week?” he says.
I glance up, confused that he’s chatting. “No. Why?”
“You should go into town.” He shrugs, yanking at a long branch. “Put yourself out there a bit.”
I narrow my eyes. “Freya been talking to you?”
“Talking at me,” he says. “My wish, her command.”
“You mean the other thing?”
