School went by quickly. I did as I said I would and gave Scar space, allowing her to be on her own. We still exchanged long looks, and I sent an abundance of flirty, lovely messages. She decided she would no longer join Levi and me for our lunch outings; instead, she is working out at the gym, focusing on building her strength and mindset. I can appreciate her motivation to free herself from whatever is holding her down.
Rushing home, I see Levi in the garage, working on my dad's car. “Hey man, why weren't you at work today?” He continues looking under the hood of the vehicle.
“I just had stuff going on.” I round the car, following him as he tries to dodge me.
“Bro, why you got a sweatshirt on with your hood up, it’s hot as fuck in here?” His middle finger shoots up, and he winces. “Levi, I am your best fucking friend. What is going on, man?” Finally, that stops him from whatever the fuck he is trying to do.
He slowly lifts his head and removes his hood. That's when I see his fat lip, swollen nose, and black eye. “Dude. What the fuck?” I rushed over to him as he backed up.
“Spencer, can we not, please. Just drop it. I mean, damn, is this a pop fucking quiz? I’ve got to get this done, let’s do story time later.”Wow,dick.
“Cool, didn’t realize your sister taking a step back meant you too. I’m just trying to help. Fuck me for trying, man.” Opening the garage door, I head inside.
My mom is in the kitchen mixing up some lemonade. “What is Levi’s deal? He’s being a real dick. Do one of your therapist things and make him talk or be nicer or something.” My mom sends me a sad smile with a look that says, be nice. Walking around the kitchen to grab a glass, I notice the calendar is filled out for every Tuesday. Scarlett session 4 p.m. It is written every Tuesday. “Mom, is this my Scarlett?” She looks up at my finger pointing to the letters written in orange Sharpie.
“Yes. It is.” Pouring a glass of lemonade, she smiles and walks to the garage.
She walks back in as I rest my head in my hands at the dining room table. “How bad is it, Mom?” She takes a seat next to me. “Tell me, Mom, because I am so lost in my mind trying to find answers to questions I don’t even know exist.” Defeat, this is what this feeling feels like.
“Oh, Spencer, Sweetie. I can’t answer how bad it is, honey, because I am not them; I am not in the situation they are. However, given what I have seen, I would say it isn’t great. I know this is challenging because your heart is so big and you love so hard, but all we can do is keep loving them, welcoming them, opening our hearts to them. I will do what I can, honey, but these things take time and strategy.” I understand what she is saying, but I don’t like it.
She stands up, giving me a big hug. “Mom, help them, please. Levi is my brother, and Scar, I’m in love with her.” She ruffles up my hair.
“Son, I knew that from the moment you brought her into our home. I’m your mom, I know everything, which is why from now on, you will get condoms instead of cookies. I promise I will do my best in helping them, in helping Scarlett. Keep your head up, sweetie.” She gives my arm a slight squeeze, and walks upstairs.Well, shit, I thought we were sneaky. Apparently not.
I sit at the table while my mom disappears, thinking about everything that has happened over the last few months. I am looking for one puzzle piece amongst a thousand others. My thoughts play on rewind, trying to remember every detail from when they first moved in, and the only one that has stayed consistent is Levi’s fear of leaving Scarlett with Grant. The garage door opens, snapping me out of my thoughts. Levi walks over pulls out a chair, and slowly sits down. He grips the chair with a death grip as he lowers himself onto the seat.
He places his arms on the table and folds his hands. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. You didn’t deserve that. If you walked up looking like I do, I’d have the same reaction. It’s just our answers would be a helluva lot different.” I have never seen him look so defeated. I have seen him broken when we found Scar. I could physically see his heart breaking, but in this moment, I see Levi breaking. His eyes don’t light up like they usually do, his smile no longer reaches his eyes, and his words no longer pack a punch and stick; they are falling, and so is my best friend.
I lean forward, matching his position, folding my hands. “I don’t know what’s going on, man. I’m not going to sit here and demand you tell me, or even ask, because, well, I did, and… if you want to tell me, I will listen. If you need anything at all, man, I’m your guy. I’ve got you one hundred percent. I can handledick head Levi, if you need to be a dick, and get that shit out, I’ll take it. What I can’t take is watching my best fucking friend break, alone.” Levi places his head in his hands and breathes deeply into them. I watch him as he slowly removes his hands and opens his watery eyes.
“Have you ever just been so tired? So tired of surviving and not living?” The truth is, I would be lying if I said I had to survive any hardships like they have. I shake my head no. “Surviving isn’t the same as living, man. It’s drinking water because you’ve been beaten down so bad you’re doing everything you can to eliminate the taste of blood. It’s your stomach growling, because not only are you hungry, but starved, because you didn’t obey the commands, or backtalked.” His lip curls as his eyebrows become fused as one.
I sit silently, listening so tentatively that I can hear the shift in his breathing. “It’s begging to feel sunlight because all you’ve seen is the inside of your room for days. You want to know the worst one? It’s begging for a breath while he takes it from you, but then, once you get it, it hurts so bad that you wish he’d just taken it all.” He shakes his head, and my heart hammers in my chest, breaking with each word he says. “ I am trying, man, to be strong and brave constantly, but every once in a while, I just want a fucking break from this hell. It’s like mother damned us to hell when she left, and fuck, I thought we were already there.” He leans back in his chair and looks me dead in the eye. “So, to answer your question as to what happened. Grant happened, and he keeps happening, and I'm tired. I just want someone to wake me up when this is over. When I no longer have to look over my shoulder or listen for his late-night stumbles. Listen to the sound of Scarlett’s cries as the sound of his hand makes contact.” I can feel my emotions rising, thinking of being broken, beaten, and unloved, boils me.
My blood is on fire, my body vibrates with hate, with fury that I've been right fucking here, next door.How many times has she been beaten, and I've been asleep? How many times has she lied about it? How many times have I not saved her?Levi leans forward again. “Anyway, thank you for keeping her safe when I couldn't. You've been a good friend, but I shouldn't have put that on you.” It feels as if he just set off a bomb in my living room and follows it up with ‘sorry about that.”
“Levi, don't shut me out. I’m here, man, for anything and everything you need. I wish there was something I could do or—” My words fall because what do you say to a confession like this? Do I show pity? No, he already feels bad enough. Do I get angry? No, he is already there. What can I do?
“Just keep loving my sister in the way you do.” He pats my shoulder, gets up, and walks away. I don’t follow him because I'm paralyzed, my heart breaks for them, making my body immobile. I sit there, reviewing all the damn puzzle pieces, and finally, the one I was missing comes into view, only the piece is broken… and the puzzle will never fit together the same.
Beaten. Starved. Unloved. For years. All I've known is love from my parents, and to think that the one person who deserves the most love hasn't felt a sliver of it from her parents. It’s fucked.
I head upstairs for a long shower, trying to drown my thoughts, but no amount of water can drown these. This fire is what Scarlett was talking about, and it's ablaze.
Chapter 37
Breaking Down
Levi
Ifucked up. I told the truth.
The dark, twisted truth about life, our life.
Life has never been easy. In some way, I wonder if Scarlett and I were supposed to make it this far. Somehow, we keep surviving even when it feels impossible. Scarlett has grown in her mindset; she’s becoming fierce. I can see the look of power in her eyes now —the look I once had, and don’t get me wrong,I will not be taken down. I’m still strong, and I will remain resilient just as I always have, but fuck I am tired.
I hadn’t planned on telling Spencer, but when he got home, his face dropped when he saw me, and I felt destroyed. This entire time, I have lied to him; we have lied to him. After going off on him in the garage, I felt horrible. He’s done nothing but be the best friend to me, protective, caring, and I chewed his ass over one question. That’s some Grant shit right there. So, instead, I gathered my bearings, pushed down the embarrassment and fear, and walked into his kitchen. That’s when I saw him at the table, looking full-on defeated. It was shameful that I, a damn near grown man, got beaten by his stepdad. I was scared because no one knows this secret.
