I turn away quickly, shielding my eyes from his betrayal. Storming back to Levi’s car, I spot Maddie coming from behind the trees. She runs up to me. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Her cheeks are flushed, her shirt twisted.Disgusting. I look back and see Spencer making his way around the fire. Fuck.
I look back at Maddie. “Please take me home, now.” She nods and walks me to her car. We start to pull away when she finally asks, “What’s going on, babe?” I shake my head. Silently crying in the darkness of her car.To think he could love me, I’m such a fool. I’m a fool to believe I would be enough for him.I stay silent, sulking in my sorrow of betrayal and pity.
“He used me, I saw him. He’s a traitor.”
I take a deep breath, steadying my nerves. “Tell Levi I’m home. Thank you for the ride. Love you.” Not giving her a chance to ask any questions, I slide out of the Jeep and run inside.
Fury is driving my momentum up the stairs, and as I reach my bedroom, I rush to my desk, ripping open the top drawer. I go deep into the back and grab my lighter. Flicking the lighter, I watch the flame burn.I am naive. I am a fool to think he could love me, when even my own mother couldn’t!I scream at myself, my mind on a loop of outrage and never-ending pain. Pain was caused by every single person who claimed to love me.Does love always bring pain? Is this what love is, because if it is, I don't want it! I hate me. I hate who they made me. Weak. So fucking weak!
My mind is at war with itself, a fighting battle to be good and obey my promise. To not put this lighter to my skin and burn away his touch and the words he tarnished with his actions. To burn the hope that I could be loved.I AM A FOOL!
I slid down the wall onto the bathroom floor, my shorts already ripped off amid my eruption. Tears fall, staining my cheeks with wet tracks that drop from my chin, splashing across the place my heart should be. With each tear shed, it slices my heart, of all the words he spoke. All the promises made.This is why he didn’t tell Levi. I‘m just another one of the girls who hangs on, who he uses. I am the one everyone uses.
My mother used me as her stand-in, for when she got tired of being beaten, she would hold me in front of her. My father uses me as his punching bag, and Levi uses me as an excuse to stay in this home, with this shit man, and this shit life. Spencer used me for his pleasure. It’s time I use myself, like a fucking Christmas tree. I will light myself up, because it is the only thing I can control.
Flicking the lighter, it glows orange and red, a promise to heal what the others have broken.
Chapter 32
I am He
Spencer
Finally, I see Maddie walking up to the pickup truck, grabbing another beer. “Hey, where’s Scarlett?” She looks sad; her eyes are cast down, and her breath is shaky.
Shaking her head, she turns to me. “I just dropped her off at home, she's hurt and pissed. She said, and I quote, ‘He used me. I saw him.’ Then she stormed off in tears and ran into her house. I don’t know who HE is, but when I find out, I’m going to kickhim in the dick.Hard.” She opens her beer, and my stomach falls to the damn ground, because it’s me.
I am he. She must have seen me with Ashley.
Fuck. My. Life.
Chapter 33
Fall Out
Levi
My drunkenness has worn off. After taking a slow ride on the sober train for the last forty-five minutes and plowing through water bottle after water bottle, I feel better. It's time to start again. I spot Spencer and Maddie over by the booze. I do a quick scan for Scarlett, but no such luck. “Hey guys, how’s it going? Where is Letty?” Maddie looks at Spencer and back at me.
“I took her home, she said she wanted to leave; she was really upset.” I feel every muscle in my body tense. My eyes grow wide as I clench down on my jaw, hard.
“What the fuck, guys, she's been drinking, she can’t be home alone. I gotta go.” I turn around and run to my car. Following behind me, Spencer is chasing after me.
The ride home is silent; all I can feel is tension.What if Grant got home early? What if he beat her, or is beating her, and now I have Spencer with me? Fuuuuuuccck, this is not fucking good.
Flying into the driveway, I haul ass inside, my feet hardly catching up with each step my legs force them to make. Spencer is on my tail, running up just as fast. He looks terrified.
We open her bedroom door, and the desk is a mess, shit is all over the floor. The bathroom light is on, my heart is hammering out of my chest, my muscles are so tense, my veins are popping out of my forearms. I try the handle, but it’s locked. “Scarlett?” I yell into the door. Spencer is pacing the bedroom floor, damn near wearing a hole in it. “Scarlett, open the door.” Spencer looks as if he is going to explode in anger or fright. He steps over and bangs his fists on the door, hard.
“SCAR! DON’T YOU DARE. DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE!”What the fuck is he talking about? What is going on?He nods his head, and we run to my room, busting open the bathroom door.
Scarlett sits on the floor, her back against her bathroom door. With a lighter, she shot out flames, burning the skin on her thigh.
My heart stops.
The air has left my body, and I can no longer breathe.What is she doing? Why is she hurting herself?I feel my jaw clenching so tightly my teeth could shatter. Spencer is walkingover to Scarlett, as tears pour from her red-rimmed eyes. Her chest is soaked from fallen tears now glistening in the bathroom light. Her legs are red, and her thighs bear both old and new burns.How long? What the fuck?Spencer sits with his hand out, silently pleading for the lighter, as a tear rolls from his eyes.He knew. He fucking knew. He said, Don’t you dare… HE FUCKING KNEW. I was pissed, I was more than pissed, I was livid. My body was vibrating with anger, seething with rage.
My voice cracks as my eyes stay glued on the inside of her thighs, red and swollen. “HOW LONG?” My voice is stern; I want to scream, yell, and break everything in my grasp. She shakes her head. “NO, we are talking right fucking now. How fucking long have you been hurting yourself? When I—” Rage courses through me. “I have spent my entire life protecting you from harm, and you are harming yourself. Tell me, right fucking now, how long?” Tears stream from her eyes, snot pouring from her nose.
