Chapter 1
Before Death
Scarlett
Age 17
The sound of crying wakes me. Opening my eyes, I realize the sun has not yet risen above the skyline, and the streetlights still illuminate the sidewalk. I’m used to being awoken by cries, screams, and things breaking. One becomes accustomed to the sounds of shouting and the damage around you when it occurs daily. You learn to tune it out; the alternative would be that you become the target instead. You learn to stay quiet, to hide, to be invisible, something I became very good at.
Tip-toeing to my cracked door, I listen carefully, trying to distinguish if it’s safe. I expected to hear my mother’s wretched sobs, her gut-wrenching plea, but what I didn’t expect was to hear my brother’s cries coming from my parents’ room. He never cried anymore; he held it in, smothered it with anger and vitriol. I shamefully envied his ability to do so.
I open my door, slowly walking across the hall. I slide my feet across the threadbare carpet, worn down from this exact walk. Heart thrashing against my chest, heaviness overcomes me. I can feel the sweat pooling in my hairline, knowing the consequences of my actions if I get caught coming to save her. Heat surrounds my cheeks as fear washes over my body.
Just as I peek my head into my parents’ room, fear envelops me like an icy blanket, a familiar discomfort threatening to swallow me whole. One final push, and the door opens. That’s when I see them, my big brother Levi, sitting on the floor holding our mother’s lifeless body.Why is Mom on the ground? Why is Levi holding her? He never holds her. What is going on?
My first thought is that my father killed her. Ultimately, he beat her so bad that her tired body gave up the same way I sometimes wished mine would after Grant made his rounds. The early morning darkness enveloped them. I stand frozen, my feet firmly rooted to the spot. Time no longer existed. She no longer existed. I feel as though my eyes are betraying me.She can’t be gone. She can’t. Who will save us? Who will make sure he doesn’t go too far?My eyes pool with tears as my breath hitches, and my body finally catches up to what my brain has registered. She is dead.
Making my way over to them, I fall next to my brother, my knees hitting the floor with minimal sound, my body absorbing the physical and emotional shock, as he clings to her unmoving body. Watching his hands tremble, his tears falling from thesame eyes that previously forbade emotion, forming a pathway through the creases of her now crumpled shirt. Before I can stop myself, my thoughts spew out. “Did he…kill her?” Trembling, I place one hand over the other to stop the shaking.
Levi’s dark green eyes now reddened as his eyelashes meshed together with wetness. “No.” His voice cracked, “She...” He stopped and shook his head as his body began to shudder. I watch him gently shake our mother, his eyes never leaving her face as tears fall. “She did this to herself.” He clings to her tightly, pulling her into his chest. His words hit me like a knife piercing my heart.
Looking next to her, the pill bottle lay open and empty. Reality hits me, the cold seeping into my bones, just as my mind begins to run with questions that demand answers. Levi’s crying stops, his focus shifts back to the present, back to his arms wrapped around her limp body. The air becomes thick with grief and despair, his eyes clouding over with undeniable rage as his forehead begins to wrinkle, his muscles start to flex, and his jaw clenches hard enough to break teeth.
“She left us.” He begins to shake her. “Wake up!” He shakes her again. “Wake the fuck up, Mom.” Tears find him once more as I watch him shake her again and again and again, while screaming at her to open her eyes, to wake up. “Don’t you dare leave us. Don’t you dare take the easy way out.” My breath shakes as I watch him, his composure slipping, far from the strong, resilient brother I know.
My heart feels like a jackhammer beating in my chest, ready to explode. I bring my hands to my ears as he screams down at her, begging God to bring her back, but nothing happens. He tries offering up his soul, his mortality, yet no amount of begging, hoping, or praying would bring her back. There was nothing left for her here anymore.
She was gone. Dead.
The large room, filled with harrowing memories, now falls silent as the sun begins to cast its shadows across the carpet. The faster my heart raced, the heavier the air became.
Locking my eyes on her comatose body, an outburst of anguish pulses through my veins.She chose to leave us.The thought of knowing she did this makes me vibrate with animosity.
Silently, I beg her to come back, somehow, to breathe again. I want her to wake up so I can scold her for leaving us, for abandoning us. Instead, I’m left with a fire that burns so deep inside me it scares me, turning the pieces of love I had for her to ash. Numerous times, I had witnessed her beaten and broken, lying on this once pristine carpet, now it’s stained with secrets and despair.
Watching Levi hold her, his eyes darken as sweat drips from his long, shaggy hair. I look up, wondering if she is above us. Hovering over to see the damage she has caused. She has broken the two people she was supposed to save. I thought my father was cruel; I thought wrong. Mother was evil; she let him win, she gave him our souls, to save hers. We sit in silence for what feels like an eternity, both secretly waiting for Grant to come in and finish the job.
Footsteps run into the bedroom as police and fire rescue make their way past me, sliding between my brother and me. Two officers tried to speak with my brother. I could see them trying to reason with him, but the words didn’t register with me. Time and events become jumbled; my mind is a vortex of questions.Who called these people? Why are they asking so many questions? How can they plead with us to calm down, to breathe in and out, when she is no longer able to?
Chaos was surrounding me, figures coming and going. Voices, so many voices, yet all I heard was silence.I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know if I hate her, or love her.Once they peeled Levi off our mother, that’s when it hit me. That was it; they were taking her, relieving her of her duties in this world. It was time to say goodbye. Jumping off the floor, I stumble over to her lifeless body, currently lying on a trolley in the center of the room.
The officer grabbed my arm, his fingers digging deep into my flesh, but the pain didn’t register. Ripping it away, I throw myself over my mother's chest, begging her to embrace me. To save me. “I have to say goodbye!” I scream, my voice unrecognizable, my palms wet from sweat, my cheeks burning from the shed tears. “Mother!” I yell as the men lift the trolley holding her. Officers are trying to get us out, trying to protect us from what we have witnessed. “Why! Why did you leave us?” The police drag me from her room, the one that smells of her, vanilla, and cinnamon. “Stop! Let me go! Stop!”
Screams slice my throat, arms thrashing, legs kicking, but no amount of fighting them was going to bring her back.
No one was going to save us.
Chapter 2
After Death
Scarlett
Age 18 - Six Months Later
Death was something I didn’t know. I never had a pet or any family members who have died. Death was unknown until that morning. When my mother died, death swallowed me. The Grim Reaper took me and walked alongside me, a cruel taunt of what I no longer had. I would beg him to take me, but death would be too kind. Instead, I looked death in the face every single day, and I embraced it.
What death has taught me is that there is betrayal, longing, and hope. It sucks you into this dark, forbidden world of loss, feeding off every good memory like an appetizer. Then comes the main course, delicious in its presentation, a glimpse of all you are hungry for, the milestones they will miss, the loss of a comforting touch, the future they will no longer be a part of, before the dessert of bitterness and longing.
