Death doesn’t care if you are as strong as tungsten; grief will break you. The Grim Reaper will sink his scythe and enslave you. It’s not the breaking of oneself that leaves you feeling defeated; it’s what you do to others in the process of the wreckage, who you break in the progression of being enslaved.
That is why I’m here, because I broke, I have become a slave to the what-ifs and what could have been, and the whys—the eternal loop of a never-ending question that will never be answered.
Chapter 3
Moving Day
Scarlett
Today is moving day, finally. The day we say goodbye to this house where the smell of mother still lingers, where the memories dance between the walls. Memories of good times are seldom seen, often overshadowed by the bad ones. It was time for a new chapter, a new life, and a new place to call home. The house would change along with the scenery, but everything else would remain the same. The nightmares, the monster who roams within the walls, following us wherever we go, the beast with the face of a hero, with the badge of protection.
The tan, two-story house we now call home awaits our arrival with a large “SOLD” sign prominently displayed in the front yard. The sun beats down on the North Carolina asphalt with a vengeance as we take in the new sea air and fresh-cut grass.
My brother Levi opens my door, allowing me to scoot out of the vehicle. We both stand with our feet glued to the concrete, Grant turns and waves us in. “Let’s go, there are two bedrooms upstairs, go fight over which one you want.” Then he disappears into the house.
Levi nudges my arm with his elbow and rolls his eyes, “Welcome to a new hell, Letty.” He throws his bag over his shoulder and starts walking the twisted sidewalk to our new home.
Meeting Levi at the top of the stairs, we walk into the first room. A perfect square, the air almost sterile with no hint of mom’s favorite washing powder or lingering perfume, just blank white walls, and a large closet. Following Levi, we walk through the bathroom that connects the two rooms. “Looks like we’re sharing a bathroom.” He smiles at me through the mirror and shakes his head, “Your morning routine just got a helluva lot shorter.” I roll my eyes as he winks and continues into the second room.
The room is nearly identical, except that it has a small closet and the view faces the backyard, where we can almost see directly into the neighbor’s house behind us. Levi and I peek out. “Good thing you aren’t a peeping Tom, I call dibs on the first bedroom.” I turn to walk back to the first bedroom, but Levi shuts the door behind me.
He shakes his head with sad eyes. “No, you have the back bedroom, so I have time to get to you if he…” He stops and looks around. “We can switch closets, but you are not having the first bedroom off the stairs.” I understand what he’s doing; it’sthe same thing Levi’s always done, protecting me by throwing himself in harm’s way first. His eyes were shining with an unspoken promise of protection and love.
I chew on my bottom lip, thinking it over. “Deal. However, that means I’ll be barging into your room and potentially spending hours in the massive closet trying to find the right outfit. Just so that you know what you’re agreeing to.” A slight smirk crosses his face, showing his dimple just a little.
He opens the door and walks out. “Deal.”
Walking down to the main house, I stop just as Grant walks in through the front door, carrying boxes. He sets them down at my feet and smiles. My stomach turns.I hate his smile.“Hey, kid, come outside with me. A few neighbors are here to greet us, and you can grab your boxes and take them up.” I roll my eyes behind his back and follow him out, plastering a peachy“best dad ever”smile on my face.
The sun beams down on my face the moment I step outside. Three people are standing on the sidewalk chatting as we walk over to them.
A short woman with chin-length blonde hair stands next to a taller man, his hand is perched on the small of her back. I look to where his fingers lay flat against the rounding of her hip, no evidence of pressure on his fingertips, no scrunched fabric under his knuckles, just a public display of solidarity and love.
“Hello!” The woman smiles warmly; her bright eyes beam into mine. I smile shyly, taken aback by her cheerfulness and her ability to make my lips curve slightly at the corners. “Hey there, we’re the Collins. This is my wife Anna, and I’m David.” David takes his hand and moves it to the boy standing in front of them. My eyes watch David’s hand as it moves, gently placing it on his son’s shoulder. I notice the absence of tension and frigidity in hisson’s stance. I instantly scold myself for my inquisitive staring.This is normal behavior, Scarlett. Stop being so obvious.
“This is our son Spencer.” His curly hair lay long on top, fading down the back of his head, as small curls rested along the base of his tan and toned neck. Looking up into his charcoal eyes, my reflection stares right back at me.
Swallowing hard, I glance back at his dad. “Nice to meet you all. I’m Scarlett.” An arm flies around my shoulder, making me flinch.
“Hi, I’m Levi, her big brother.” He smiles widely, but his eyes focus on Spencer. They all introduce themselves again. I can feel Levi’s protectiveness radiating. I try to shrug him off, to no avail, as he sinks his arm deeper around my shoulders. The adults engage in small talk as Levi and Spencer stare at one another with curiosity, the testosterone coursing through the air.
The parents walk towards the house, leaving us standing here in awkward silence. “Right, so this is awkward, I’m gonna head inside. Nice to meet you, Spencer.” I turn around, not giving him a chance to say anything.
Walking back inside the foreign house, I take my time. I walk into every room, mapping them out. First, I look for exits, the easiest ways to escape. Second, I look for hiding places. Closest, nooks, crannies, places to hide when the monster is lurking. We didn’t play hide-and-seek; we hid and prayed that we would never be found. Once I have the house blueprint ingrained in my brain, I make my way back upstairs, grabbing the boxes waiting for a ride upstairs.
I have two boxes of possessions and four bags of clothes that need to be put away. Throwing on my headphones, I get to work. My mind zones in on the music, drowning out the thoughts thatdare to surface. Music has always been my escape; it's always been that way.
Hanging up the last of my shirts, I take a step back and look at my handiwork. The clothes hung as if they belonged here all along, as if this was always their home. All of my shoes are lined up, while hats, scarves, and sweatshirts are folded neatly on the shelves on the other side.First task: complete this new humble abode, yay me.
Taking a break, I find comfort in staying hidden in the closet and scrolling through Instagram, getting lost in the music and the lives of the people I follow. Scrolling is how I find comfort and companionship. I read about Becca’s latest “gym sesh.” Hashtag poser. Then I catch up on Amy’s most recent admission of love –for a guy that everybody knows screwed her in the spare bathroom at Anton’s parents’ place during the spring break party, before he left her in there with mascara streaks and an intense need for release, poor, naive Amy.I feel safe hiding behind the blue glare of my phone; I can pass judgment without facing the fallout. I can pretend to be part of their inner circle and imagine all the ways I would offer my support, using my best attempt at a sympathetic, reassuring smile.
The truth always comes hurtling back, like a tidal wave of disappointment.These are not your friends, Scarlett. These are the people who pass by in the halls and barely notice your existence enough to avoid crashing into you.I’ve told myself over the years that it’s for the best, that this ghost-like existence I lead is safer. I don’t have to worry about bearing my bruises at the lakeside on a Saturday afternoon with “the girls.” I don’t have to hide my flinches when a guy eventually puts a loving hand on my cheek, and least of all, I don’t have to worry about leaving too many people behind like my mother did.
I look up when I hear footsteps approaching. Levi walks into his room, followed by Spencer.What the hell. They are talking about football when I awkwardly make myself seen, waving like the weirdo I am. “Hey.” Levi nods his head and gently tosses the ball to me.
Spencer turns around. “Do you always hide in the closet?” I threw the ball to him without warning.
Walking towards the door, I turn around. “Yup, when my closet is in my brother's room, I do. Do you always go into strangers’ homes?” Giving him the best pop to yup, I sass like never before. If he knew the secrets we hide, he’d run. With that, I walk back to my room.
