And the truth was far less questionable than the women around her were making the situation out to be. Just a few evenings ago, Alice ran into Mary and her betrothed. She had appeared to be extremely happy, clinging to the arm of her baron, love shinning from her eyes as she gazed at him. It would seem to be a true love match, and Alice was genuinely delighted for Mary, even if she was a bit envious of her position.
“Don’t you think it’s all a bit scandalous, Alice?”
She jerked her head up at the direct question and saw several eyes waiting for an answer. Alice supposed she could feign her way out of it as she had done previously; however, that didn’t feel like a viable option any longer. If she didn’t fit into this world, why was she trying to pretend as if she did?
“I can’t say I know much about the matter. All I know is that Mary seems to be happily engaged. As none of us were present at the event in question, I’m not sure we should pass judgment.”
There. She had said her piece. Cheeks burning, she saw several pairs of eyes blinking in confusion, not sure how to respond now that Alice had failed to engage in their gossip and speculation.
“Well, I may not have been there,” said Lady Dorning, a newly married woman from Alice’s debut class last year. Leaning in conspiratorially, she continued, “but Meg was, and she told me all about it. Mary was found on the balcony in a passionate embrace with the baron! Can you even imagine stumbling upon such a scene?” Several of the other women tittered in laughter as if they were shocked.
“Outrageous behavior. And in public, where anyone could see them. Has she no shame or sense of propriety? You young women these days!” interjected an older woman, whose name Alice couldn’t bother to try and recall.
Suddenly, Alice felt so very tired. Everything around her was just a show, and she didn’t want to play the part any longer. Everyone expected her to act appalled, as if she was some virtuous woman who would never behave in such a way.
But her memory wouldn’t let go of that morning in the cottage with Ethan. Now knowing how easy it was to be swept away by feelings in the moment—to not even for a second have a thought aboutproprietywhen consumed by the one you desired. No, Alice couldn’t blame Mary for her actions. She loathed the malicious cycle of gossip they all found themselves in, each a victim and willing participant, regretting all of the times she had talked about young ladies in similar situations in the past.
“Mary appears to be in love, and she and the baron are to marry. Is it really so scandalous?” she offered at last, wanting to try and defend Mary, undo some of the damage if she could.
“I suppose that is true,” Lady Dorning said with a pout. “Once she is a baroness, no real harm can be argued to haveoccurred. After all, she landed a man with a title when she herself is only adjacent to one!”
The utter hypocrisy of it all could not be ignored. All would be forgiven by society if the scandalous behavior was made right through an advantageous marriage, let alone the unforgivable sin of marrying outside one’s status. And is this how they all talked about her? After all, though her titled relations were of high rank and standing within theton,Alice herself was only adjacent to a title.
“If you ladies will excuse me, it’s been a lovely evening, but I’m afraid I’ve a bit of a headache and should return home.” It wasn’t a lie, the events of the evening had indeed given Alice a headache, and more than anything she longed for the peace of her bedchamber.
The women around her made a fuss and said goodbye, but she didn’t feel any true concern or affection from any of them, it was all a part of the play they were participating in through unspoken agreement. After donning her spencer, Alice eagerly made her way to the carriage. She knew her father would question her early departure, but for now, she reveled in the quiet. Resting her head against the side of the carriage as it started off, she wondered how long she could keep pretending.
CHAPTER 24
Life at Hampton House had lost some of its luster since Alice departed. Ethan paused in his work, looking out to the garden that bloomed on the other side of the glass.
Now early April, many of Matthias’s starts were taking root, bringing Alice’s garden to life. Though many of the plants and flowers were still small, he could begin to see her vision. Tall grasses mixed with wildflowers along the pathways that edged the circular lawn. Vines would grow over the stone wall, and the wood anemone would eventually surround the benches placed beneath the shelter of the old trees near the river. It was a blend of textures and colors, varying shades and tones of green that were peaceful and pleasing. It was ethereal, like part of a fairyland, and yet completely natural.
Looking out at the variety of greenery helped ease Ethan’s tumultuous mind, soothing the endless thoughts of all that needed to be accomplished. For the first time, he could see the value the garden brought, which both Alice and Priscilla had tried to get him to understand from the start. There was usefulness and purpose in being surrounded by beauty. It could bring a sense of pride to all who were connected to the estate.
He wished he could tell Alice that he saw her vision now, that he understood. He wanted to explain that she was still the only thing that helped him let go and be present, to be able to release his fierce control of everything around him and be still for a moment. He wanted to tell her that he missed her, that he’d catch himself thinking he saw her—turning a corner with her red curls trailing behind her. But it was nothing more than a phantom, and Ethan felt haunted, like a piece of himself was missing.
Impulsively he picked up a new sheet of paper, and before Ethan could think too hard about what a terrible idea it was, he began writing her a letter.
Alice collected her correspondence from the butler with a murmured thanks. There were a few letters and cards, and she sat down at her writing desk to open them, prepared to reply to the invitations that were included.
“What new invitations have you received? You know how vital it is to choose carefully whose gatherings you attend,” her father said from his chair by the window, eyes appearing above his paper. He’d been up and about for a few days now, the head cold finally releasing its clutches on him and allowing his weakened lungs to breathe easy once more.
“Yes, Father,” she said with a sigh. If Alice had her way, she’d turn down every single invitation that lay on her desk. She was so disillusioned with polite society, she had no idea how she was going to get through this spring when the season hadn’t even officially begun.
Alice saw everything around her differently now and being at events like the dinner a few evenings ago chaffed, no longer easy or comfortable.
It was as if her time at Hampton House had removed a veil from her eyes, just like Priscilla intended. Alice no longer felt content with the life that had been planned out for her. She still craved to be a dutiful daughter and ease her father’s worries, but she didn’t know if she had it in her any longer to agree to a match simply to please him. What kind of life would she have in a marriage devoid of respect and affection? Ethan’s handsome face arose in her mind once again, and she struggled to keep tears at bay.
She picked up her letter opener with a shuddering breath and sliced through the first few envelopes: an afternoon tea with Lady Dorning, a musical evening with some of the new debutants, and a dinner at Lady Spencer’s now that she was back in Town. She wanted to decline them all but knew her father would press her to attend at least the dinner at Lady Spencer’s, recalling his enthusiasm upon hearing Priscilla had facilitated an introduction. Tossing the invitation back onto the pile, it shifted, upending the precarious balance, and causing a few cards to tumble to the floor.
Immediately, she snatched up a letter from her cousin that came into view, eager for any news. She wanted to know how Priscilla was faring as her babe grew and hoped there might be some other news of what was happening around the estate. Priscilla had written a few times since Alice’s return to town, filling her in on what she was missing and bemoaning the absence of West, who was still in London working on parliamentary matters. Tearing open the parcel, Alice was surprised to see an additional letter tucked inside.
It was in an unfamiliar hand, but she gasped when skimming her eyes over the page revealed Ethan’s signature at the bottom.
“Is everything alright, Alice?”
She heard her father’s question but failed to respond as she picked up the pressed flowers that were tucked into the folds of the parchment. Lifting up an early spring rose, Alice held the dried petals to her face and breathed in deeply. Closing her eyes, the scent brought her back to her first encounter with Ethan in the glasshouse when she had been smelling just such a rose. Her lips trembled at how callous she had been in mistaking him for an attendant on the estate.
