“You’ve taken good care of him. It seems I was right to bring him to you.” Ethan looked at Knightly as he spoke, continuinghis strokes down the kittens back. It was ridiculous to be jealous of a cat, and yet she longed to be the one receiving Ethan’s attentions.
“I’m grateful that you did, I love him dearly.” Alice took in a breath and braced herself. “But I think we’re both avoiding what needs to be talked about.”
He looked up from Knightly and met her eyes, mouth thinning into a tight line before nodding.
Alice set the kitten down to face Ethan square on, unwilling to hide behind anything any longer. “I feel I must apologize for that morning in the cottage. My actions were impulsive, and it was not proper or ladylike for me to act upon my feelings and kiss you when we both understand that there can never be anything between us. You courageously shared your feelings, and it was unkind of me to disregard that you were trying to contain your attraction.” The longer Alice spoke, the hotter her cheeks burned. Even so, she felt better for having said it.
Ethan gave a long exhale and looked down. “And I must apologize to you,” he said, slowly meeting her eyes. “I know I ended things abruptly and that I was overstepping when I questioned what you want in life.”
He took a step back and shook his head. “I need to focus on the work I came here to do, and as you’ve explained, you are preparing to make a match in Town. We need to find a way to work with one another as we complete this project for Priscilla, so we must lay any unsettled feelings between us to rest. For the sake of moving forward, let’s each say what is necessary.”
“For my part,” he said after a long pause, choosing his words with care, “I should like to express how much I’ve come to admire your dedication to this project. We’ve had our bumps along the way, but you’ve shown yourself to be committed and willing to learn. You’ve taken censure from me and not let it hinder the remainder of the project. And I’m impressed withyour creativity and the level of thought you’ve put into every aspect of the design.”
Alice was flattered by the way he now saw her. She knew it must have cost him to say so much, especially since he’d abhorred her upon their first meeting. It had been warranted, though. Her mind spun thinking of all that had occurred over the last month, how considerably she’d grown. Regardless of the different way in which she now saw and approached those around her, Alice knew she couldn’t stray from everything that she had previously known just to pursue her attraction to Ethan, no matter what Priscilla advised. There was too much at stake.
She understood what Ethan was trying to do in this moment, bring them some closure from an extraordinary encounter, allowing them to let the idea of one another go so they might continue their work together without tension or misunderstanding. But Alice felt like she needed more.
If this were to be the only time she might feel this kind of passion for another, she wanted to make the most of it. She was not yet ready to exchange gracious words with him and simply let it all go—if they were to leave things here, she’d always wonder what could have been. What did it feel like to engage with a man when genuine feelings were involved?
“I certainly appreciate that,” Alice responded after a moment. “And I admire you as well, Ethan. But I’m not sure if that’s enough for us to be able to lay this to rest.” She frowned, uncertain how to express what she was trying to say. Finally, boldly, Alice looked up at him. “I think I’d like for you to kiss me again.”
Ethan was stunned. A wave of need rushed through him at her bold declaration, and he was forced to swallow, quite literally salivating at the thought of holding her once again.
“I-I’m not”—he stopped to clear his throat. “I’m not sure if that would be a good idea.” It hurt to say, but it was the truth.
“I know. It’s not the most intelligent way to proceed. But, Ethan . . .” Her lips trembled a bit, and he wanted to run his fingers over them, soothing them and letting her know it would be alright.
“We both know what lies ahead for me. The likelihood I will marry someone I feel genuine affection for is slim. I . . .” She looked up at him, vulnerability shining in her eyes. “This may be my only chance to know what it’s like to share affection with someone I truly care for. I don’t know if I can just move forward with those feelings unexplored.”
Tears were beginning to swim in her eyes, and it was almost more than Ethan could take. “I know it’s asking a lot of you, but do you think you could kiss me one more time? If I know it’s the last time, I think I’ll be able to fully appreciate the moment and remember it for what it is.”
Even thought it might kill him, but knowing this would be their last kiss, by god—he couldn’t say no to her. Acting quickly, he pulled her behind the wall of the kitchen garden, out of view of anyone who might wander by.
Threading his fingers through the hair at the nape of her neck and cupping her head, Ethan pulled Alice toward him. She came eagerly, lifting on her toes as she brought her face up to meet his. He held her back for a moment, searching her eyes, making absolutely certain she wanted this. What he saw was pure desire, and he crashed his mouth down on hers.
Ethan was lost, completely and utterly. He lost all sense of anything but her, drowning in this sensation he’d felt at the cottage, as if he’d never return to his worries or cares.
Alice was making little sounds of desperation, her hand clutching at his sleeve as she angled her small body closer to his. Unwilling to let go of the hair he saw in his dreams, he wrapped his arm around her rib cage, pulling her near. When she was flush against him, it felt like Ethan could finally breathe, even as his oxygen became scarce with his lips sealed around her own. As her tongue tentatively began to explore his mouth, Ethan suppressed a groan and simply tightened his hold on her.
Minutes must have passed where they were lost in one another before a wisp of caution entered his mind. Alice, too, sensing their time was winding down, began softening the kiss while relaxing into his arms, pulling back from him ever so slightly. Gasping for air, she laid her forehead against his cheekbone, eyes pressed closed to hold onto the moment. Her tight grip on his coat lessened, and she eased back onto her heels. Not ready to let go just yet, she wrapped her arms around him and buried her face into his chest, angling towards the crook of his neck.
“Thank you,” she muttered. He felt the words against his torso more than heard them as he cradled her head there. Knowing this would be the last time he’d ever freely hold Alice like this, he wasn’t willing to let go just yet, refusing for the moment to turn into a kind of goodbye, even as they’d continue working beside one another.
And though the searing kiss between them would continue to haunt his dreams, it was this moment—holding her against his heart—that was the most precious and he would treasure forever.
CHAPTER 22
Another week passed with Alice and Ethan working side by side after letting the dream of the other go through their shared farewell kiss. It wasn’t always easy, but with everything between them expressed and a mutual understanding of the futures both would pursue independently, she was able to refocus on the tasks before her.
The garden was coming along well, and there was little left for Alice to do except wait for the starts Matthias had nurtured to grow and blossom. It would take a few years for the garden to fully realize its potential, needing to feel lived in, for the plants to meld with their surroundings as if they’d always been firmly rooted there.
Walking into the breakfast room, Alice looked out the window and admired what they’d accomplished thus far, even if it did still need to develop. Sitting at the table, she poured herself a cup of tea and greeted Priscilla and West as they came into the room.
She glanced at the garden again. Alice knew the metaphor was too on the nose, but she felt a bit like the garden herself, finally understanding why Priscilla put her in charge of the project. She needed to be challenged, to do something outsideof her prescribed role to begin looking at others and the world around her differently.
Working with Matthias and David, Alice had come to realize just how sheltered her life had been. Not having the chance to interact with many outside her London home, she’d only mixed with those her family deemed acceptable and thus worthy of her regard, or those who served them—always close, but held at a distance. Now, it was as if her entire life she had been beguiled into believing that she was better simply because she did not need to work for a living.
But it was all a façade, wasn’t it? Alice and her father didn’t have any money; they relied on her uncle, the great Marquess of Wrexham, to provide for them. If not for being born into privilege, Alice’s father would have needed to support himself as well. It was pure chance, luck really, that it had been her family who received the crown’s favor generations ago.
