“I think you and your father are more alike than you want to acknowledge. You told me once that the thing you liked least about him was his stubborn pride. But you hold on to your own pride just as tightly, West.” Priscilla knew she’d hurt him with that comparison, but she needed him to see how much he was denying his own happiness.
“You are making decisions in opposition of what your father would have done or wanted, but by refusing to stray from that mentality or consider solutions to problems that evenhintat something of which he may have approved—you are still constrained by limitations he’s created.” Priscilla saw a spark behind West’s eyes and hoped he was beginning to see reason.
“You are not living your life for yourself, West. You are simply reacting to him. If it will make you happy, who cares ifyour father would have approved of a marriage to me?” Priscilla threw her hands up in frustration, relieved at finally expressing concerns that had been building in her for weeks as her own feelings for him had grown. “Why are you denying yourself something I think you may actually want merely out of spite?”
West looked as if she had dealt him a physical blow.
“I thought you understood,” he said quietly. “You were also raised by parents consumed with status and appearance . . . You said you would never let them dictate whom you would marry again. It’s why we were safe to pretend with one another. We agreed—neither of us was right for the other because our parents wanted the match.” He spoke with desperation, trying to hold on to what logically made sense to him within a storm of emotions. Priscilla could see his mental struggle at her words as he shook his head and began pacing.
“Yes, I did not see you as a viable match at first because my mother suggested you as a suitable option, in that you are correct. But everything else you just said misses the most important point.” Priscilla paused, gathering her words, wanting to make sure she explained in a way he would truly understand. “It was never about rebuffing my parents’ wishes, it was about having a choice. Choosing for myself, choosing what mademehappy. And it turns out that once I got to know you—the real you, you have become what I want, West. If that choice also happens to thrill my parents, then so be it . . . But it will simply be a consequence of my own choice and irrelevant to my own happiness.”
Priscilla paused to see if he was hearing her. His face was a mix of emotions, and she hoped her message was starting to sink in. “I’m living for me and choosing what I want, West. Everything else is just noise. So I’m asking you, what is it that youreallywant?”
West remained standing silently, most likely a little dumbfounded, and Priscilla couldn’t take it any longer.
“I’ll not fight for you West,” she declared, voice a bit watery. “I’ve told you how I feel and what is most important to me. I love you. I’m choosing that above everything else. Now you need to figure out what matters most to you—making the life you want or holding on to your stubborn pride.”
Sniffling and trying to hold back further tears, she made her way to the door. “I’ll leave in the morning. You don’t need to see me again if you don’t want to, we’ve agreed that our false relationship has come to an end. But if you ever sort through your feelings and discover you just might be in love with me too, you know where you can find me.”
CHAPTER 29
The next morning, West watched out the window as Priscilla’s carriage pulled away from the house and disappeared down the drive.
Still stunned by everything she had revealed yesterday, he felt wrung out by the swing in emotions he’d experienced throughout the day. The disparity between the high points, like waking up next to Priscilla, and the lows, such as finding out the boat had sunk and being told some difficult truths, was enormous. He felt like he’d gone twenty rounds in the ring at Gentleman Jackson’s.
Now West needed a plan, and he had no idea where to start. With Priscilla gone, he was bereft. He felt hollow, making it hard for him to concentrate on pressing business matters.
Moving from the window to his desk, all he could think about was Priscilla’s tender touch when she treated his hand yesterday as he sat in that exact chair. It was where he’d been sitting when she told him that she loved him.
West should have been shocked by such a declaration, but in truth, he wasn’t. He’d known all along her feelings were growing deeper by the day and that they were testing fate by continuing their sham of a relationship. He’d just been telling himself it wasall part of the act because it allowed him to deny his own growing feelings.
Thinking about how only yesterday he’d been trying to rationalize an affair between them moving forward made him shake his head at his own foolishness. He could never treat Priscilla so casually. She was much more to him than just someone with whom he could relieve his physical urges. But he’d been trying to justify a way to hold onto her, because the thought of a life completely without her felt too overwhelming.
And then, last afternoon, she had proposed something that would not only ensure he’d never be without her again, but would also solve all his financial concerns. He just didn’t know if he could bring himself to take advantage of an opportunity, knowing his father wouldn’t have thought for a second before accepting.
And what kind of man did that make him? West hadn’t wanted to hear many of the things Priscilla said to him yesterday, but he hadn’t been able to get them out of his mind, leading to a rather sleepless night.
Was he going against his own best interests simply to defy his father? With the picture Priscilla had painted for him, it appeared so. But god help him, he couldn’t let go of his bitterness and resentment toward his father for always putting the dictates of the aristocracy above the wellbeing of his own family.
West wasn’t so blinded by his resentment that he couldn’t understand his father’s motivations and why he’d acted in the way that he did. His own fathers striving and greed had handed him a broken title and little respect from his peers. He had worked hard to make the Beaumonts be seen as respectable and upstanding, regardless of their beginnings within theton.
Priscilla was correct that he was like his father in many ways. They were ultimately working toward the same goal, makingthe family as healthy and happy as possible. They just had very different ideas of what that happiness looked like.
For his father, that meant living in a manner others could not find fault with so the Beaumonts would be accepted into the ranks of their new class and by their community of peers. For West, that meant making sure his family was as morally clean as possible in their business ventures, and his family could live in the way that made them the most fulfilled, leading others to respect them for being good people.
After what Priscilla had said to him yesterday, West suspected he’d been living in a way that he would never be truly fulfilled himself, even as he wished it for everyone else in his family. She was right that his father was still controlling his life. He had made all his recent decisions based on doing what he believed to be theoppositeof what his father would have done. Acting out of turn had felt freeing at first, but in doing so, he was still living in reaction to his father rather than choosing what he truly thought was best or would make him the happiest. How had he not seen that before?
West’s thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. Looking up, he saw his sister standing in the doorway, dressed in her travelling clothes.
“Colleen. Are you leaving so soon?”
She blushed slightly and nodded. “Yes, I’m afraid Haven is rather impatient that we be on our way.”
It had always been the plan for most of the family to return to town over the next day or two after the birthday celebrations for John had concluded, but he hadn’t expected his sister to leave practically first thing in the morning. Glancing out the window, West saw the Haven carriage, crest on full display, had indeed been pulled up and was being loaded with trunks. He also spotted Haven standing in front of the carriage wearing a ratherdisgruntled expression, announcing his impatience with crossed arms and a literally tapping foot.
“I came to say goodbye. I’m not sure when I’ll see you again,” his sister said. Letting out a frustrated sigh, she elaborated. “Haven is rather displeased with your decisions of late, and I think last night was the last straw for him. He thinks what you are doing is going to lessen the Hampton name, and he doesn’t want to associate with you lest it reflect poorly on him,” she explained bitterly.
West exhaled in defeat and briefly closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, Colleen. I never meant for my actions to cause you tension in your marriage.”
