Last night had been glorious. Angeline had forgotten how much pleasure could be had from completely sharing yourself, both emotionally and physically, with someone you loved. Sidney treated her with care and reverence, and she could still feel the ghost of his touch and lips lingering on her body, making her feel alive again.
But the only thing she felt now was terror. She had thoughtlessly assumed that since they were not married Sidney would not risk the possibility of a pregnancy, though she knew he hadn’t meant to be careless.
Angeline felt terrible for sneaking out of his bed the way she had this morning, but she’d panicked and couldn’t be there with him any longer. Unable to sleep after what happened, she lay next to Sidney until she was sure he was asleep before creeping out to her own room. After packing, she left for Geffen House as soon as the first trace of morning light started to warm the horizon.
“Hey now,” Moira said quietly while stroking her hair. “This may be obvious given what’s occurred, but what’s wrong? What has you so upset?”
Angeline pulled in a shaky breath and tried to stem the flood of tears that was still falling now that she’d allowed them to release. Clinging to her sister-in-law, she muttered into her neck, “I’ve messed up so badly, Moira. I don’t know what to do.”
“Come now, I’m certain it can’t be that bad.” Moira pulled back and took Angeline’s hand. “Follow me. We’re going to get some hot tea and you can tell me everything that’s been happening.”
For the past week, Moira had been staying at Geffen House with the children while Angeline and Fitz supported Sidney at Ravenswood. Although they had not spoken at the funeral about how things now stood, Moira was a sharp woman, and Angeline was sure her friend had figured everything out by the sympathetic look she sent her way yesterday.
Angeline sniffed and wiped her cheeks as she followed Moira into a parlor for tea. A maid arrived quickly to start a fire and take the tea order and once she had retreated to the kitchen, Moira practically forced Angeline down into a chair and waited for her to begin talking.
When Angeline didn’t say anything, staring at her lap as they sat by the fire, Moira said, “I know it’s been a stressful week, but your emotions this morning make me think there’s more going on than just the loss of Nick. You said you’d messed up . . . What did you mean?”
Taking in a deep breath, Angeline took Moira’s hand before answering. “You’re an intelligent woman, Moira. I’m sure you’ve worked out by now that it would be impossible for me to marry Sidney now that he is the viscount.”
“Because he needs an heir.” Moira said it gently, but the words still hurt. As close as the two women were, having been family for eight years now, this was not something the two of them had discussed before. It was too personal and hurt too much for Angeline to share freely.
“Yes. I know you’re aware I’ve had trouble holding on to pregnancies in the past. That should be obvious as I was never able to birth a child in all the time that Phillip and I were together.” Moira gripped her hand tightly, knowing this was difficult for Angeline to talk about. “I know there were a few times you were suspicious I was increasing . . .” Moira nodded her head, “but I miscarried more times than you knew.”
“Have you talked to Sidney about this?”
Angeline shook her head, swallowing hard against the lump in her throat to avoid crying. “No. I had planned to let him know the day of the accident, but that obviously didn’t happen, so I decided to wait until after the funeral to talk to him about the fact that we can’t continue. He’ll need to wed someone who can provide him with an heir, and he hasn’t yet realized that it can’t be me.”
“Is there no possibility?” Moira asked tenderly, trying to protect Angeline’s heart.
“No. The last time I miscarried, the midwife advised against trying again. The strain on my body was too great and they worried I may not survive if I were to lose another. I think the loss of hope injured me as much as I was weakened physically.”
“I’m so sorry, Angie.” Moira leaned forward and embraced her. “I didn’t know things had been that difficult.”
“No, you couldn’t have. I didn’t share with anyone because I was heartbroken and ashamed that my body couldn’t do the very thing a woman was made for. I felt like a failure.” Angeline pulled away to wipe her tears. The handkerchief she’d managed to find was now almost soaked through and completely useless.
“Here,” Moira said, handing Angeline a new handkerchief. “I’m sorry you’ve suffered through this alone. I’m sure it couldn’t have made things easy between you and Phillip either.”
Angeline blew her nose as delicately as possible before shaking her head. “No, Phillip was wonderful. He was so supportive of me, and he felt every loss just as I did. He never put any pressure on me, he said he was happy just to share our life together. But his family was anxious for an heir to be produced, and he had planned to start training his cousin when he grew a bit older. The impact on our relationship came from me, I just felt so broken.”
“And now that Sidney is the viscount, you are in the same situation.”
“Yes, but that’s not the worst part. Moira, I have been so careless.” Angeline closed her eyes and cringed when she thought again of last evening.
“Angie, what is it. What has you so upset—as if all this wasn’t enough?” Moira was looking at her with true concern. Thankfully, the maid reentered with a tea tray and Angeline took the moment to breathe deeply and decide just how much she wanted to share with Moira. The maid apologized for taking so long, explaining that the kitchen fire was still getting going for the day. Moira assured her all was well, dismissing her so they would be alone once again. She poured out the tea and added a generous spoonful of sugar before handing the cup to Angeline.
“Here, drink this. The cure to all English ills, a good strong and sweet cup of tea.”
Angeline took a large drink and let the warmth seep in before confessing, “I made love with Sidney last night.” Bless Moira for not even blinking. There was no judgment in her eyes as she calmly sipped her tea and waited for Angeline to continue. “I know I shouldn’t have as we can’t stay together, but I selfishly wanted to know what it would feel like to be with him, to share that kind of love and passion with another again, while I still could. I don’t know if he’ll forgive me for it once I end our relationship, but he needed comfort, and I wanted to provide it.”
“I can understand that. You’re a grown woman and a widow, I don’t think anyone would judge your actions. You are allowed to seek your own pleasure, Angeline, even if only fleeting.”
Angeline let out a small laugh as she ran a knuckle over the corner of her eye where moisture was gathering. “I know, and thank you for saying so, but I still think it probably was not the soundest decision I’ve ever made. But the worst part is that, rather than stay and talk with him this morning, I fled.”
“Why? Don’t get me wrong, I know it will be one of the most difficult conversations you’ll ever have, knowing how much he loves you. But there’s something else, isn’t there?”
Moira was too perceptive for her own good. “Yes. I foolishly assumed he would pull out as we’re not married, but he spent inside of me. What if I become pregnant, Moira? I’m terrified.”
“Oh, Angie. Do you think that’s a real possibility?”
