“Yes, she is. But sadly, she also understands loss.”
* * *
Angeline awoke sometime in the middle of the night and was momentarily confused as to where she was. Stretching from her cramped position, she winced as her neck twinged. As a small form next to her stirred, she realized she had fallen asleep in Hazel’s room. Standing and exiting as quickly as possible, she left Hazel and headed toward her own room.
Passing the door to Sidney’s room and noticing the door was not fully closed, Angeline peeked her head in to check on him. He was sprawled out on top of the bed, still clothed in a tangled coat and not properly tucked in. Glad he was finally sleeping, she approached to make him more comfortable and saw that thankfully, his boots had already been removed. As she bent over Sidney’s prone form, she could smell alcohol on him again. While he wasn’t drinking excessively, she had noticed him consuming whiskey more frequently since learning of Nick’s death. She was worried about him and didn’t want him to fall back into his old habits. Attempting to remove the jacket, she tugged on one of his arms and jostled him harder than intended.
Opening his eyes slowly, Sidney peered at her. “I’m sorry,” Angeline said. “I didn’t mean to wake you, I was just trying to make you more comfortable.” He sat up and rubbed at his eyes, looking slightly disoriented.
“Angie,” he said. “I looked for you, you weren’t in your room.”
Reaching out from where she was perched on the bed beside him, Angeline swept the hair away from his forehead. “I’m sorry you couldn’t find me. I was in Hazel’s room and fell asleep.” Sidney winced at the mention of his niece, a guilty look on his face. Angeline knew being around her was difficult for him at the moment, but Hazel needed him. Now that the funeral was over, she would push him to spend more time with her. That is, if he would still listen to her after she broke his heart.
Angeline couldn’t think of that now; the middle of the night was not the time for such a conversation. “How are you feeling now that the service is over?” she asked.
Sidney was struggling to get out of his jacket and let out a grunt, followed by a large sigh as his arms were finally released while flinging the offending garment across the room. Sitting back against the headboard, he scrubbed his hands over his face. “I don’t know. I think I need to get through the reading of the will tomorrow—know that everything is settled. Then I would like to talk with you about what comes next.”
“Yes, I need to talk with you about something as well. We should find a time to talk more fully tomorrow.” A heavy feeling was in her stomach as she set a time to let him know she was not a suitable option for his wife anymore. But she couldn’t put off the conversation any longer, even if things were left unsettled.
“For now, I just need you,” Sidney said, reaching over and taking her hand. “I’ve missed you—missed kissing you.”
“I’ve missed you too,” Angeline told him honestly. Kissing him probably wasn’t the best idea, but she wanted the opportunity to savor him one last time. Leaning in, she gently settled her lips on his. The kiss quickly turned intense, and within moments Sidney was devouring her. There was a desperation behind his actions. Even though she knew he loved her, she suspected he was using this moment with her as a way to forget, to escape and become lost in her rather than his own troubled and painful thoughts.
Sidney’s hands grew bolder in their exploration, and Angeline drew back slightly. “Now’s not the time, Sidney,” she said, leaning her forehead against his and catching her breath. “It’s been a long, difficult day after an even longer and difficult week. Let’s just get some sleep so we can approach tomorrow with clear heads.”
“I know you’re right, but you’re the only thing that makes me feel normal right now.”
Angeline closed her eyes and leaned into his embrace, battling inside herself. More than anything, she understood the hurt Sidney was feeling and she would do anything to help take it away, even for just a minute. Selfishly, she also longed to feel the pleasure and connection of making love with Sidney. This would be the last chance for them to be together, and she had promised herself earlier in the day to revel in it as much as possible before everything fell completely apart. Maybe it would make things worse in the long run and hurt them both to know what they were missing, but as stupid of an idea as it was, Angeline wanted to take the memories of her second chance at love with her when she left Sidney forever.
“Then make love to me, Sidney,” she whispered into his ear. “We both need to feel better.”
He pulled back just enough to be able to look her in the eyes. “Are you sure?” he asked, his stare assessing, trying to read what she was feeling. She struggled to hold his gaze, feeling guilty for taking advantage of him as he didn’t know she would be leaving, but nodded as her selfish desire to be with him just this once won out.
As soon as he was sure of her, Sidney moved quickly. Divesting them of their clothing, he paused only long enough to kiss newly exposed patches of skin before moving swiftly to reveal even more. Pulling her onto the bed, Angeline surrendered to him, trying to turn off her thoughts and enjoy the moment as he pulled her onto the bed, knowing she likely would never experience such an expression of love again.
She was glad she had the chance to be with him, to share her love in this way at least once. It was healing for her in a way, to know that she could love again after Phillip and that it wasn’t a betrayal of what she had felt for him or his memory. He would always hold a place in her heart. But now, where she had hoped Sidney could fill her heart up again, instead he would only sit alongside Phillip on a shelf there, as another lost love. Angeline had to let go of the dream that he would be her partner for the rest of her life as she had begun to hope.
Knowing how rare it was to feel such love even once in her life, let alone twice, made it even harder to let go. Angeline was sure she would never find it a third time, so tonight she would bask in the experience and give into what her body desired, the touch, closeness, and intimacy that she craved.
Sidney was gentle with her, but he was also a man possessed. She knew he was using her in this moment to forget about his troubles and grief just as she was using him to store up memories, yet she could still feel his love. It was in the way he stroked her body reverently and stayed connected with her, looking her in the eyes as they joined. She became lost in the moment, forgetting about everything as they moved together and she clung to him. It was like they were the only thing keeping each other alive.
Sidney let out a strangled cry as he released, and reality came crashing back. The beautiful moment faded as Angeline realized he’d not pulled out, and had spilled inside of her, lost in the moment. A coldness settled over her as she realized her selfish recklessness of giving into this moment before talking to him about not risking conception meant she may once again become with child.
CHAPTER22
Angeline closed the patio door as quietly as possible upon returning to Geffen House at such an early hour. With the hallway still relatively dark amid the foggy morning, in her haste, she smacked her bag into the side table and jostled a vase. Cursing under her breath, she managed to catch it before it fell, but in doing so she caused the very commotion she had been trying to avoid.
“What’s going on?” Moira said, appearing in the drawing room a moment later. “Angeline? What are you doing here? And at such an hour . . .”
“I’m so sorry to disturb you, Moira. I didn’t think anyone would be up and about yet.” Angeline wasn’t sure how to explain her early-morning return without sharing the entire story. The prospect of that felt overwhelming, but she needed a friend to help her puzzle through the mess she had made.
“Never mind that . . . I just thought you were staying at Ravenswood for a while. Is everything alright over there?”
Unable to suppress the emotions she’d been bottling up for days, trying to be a support for Sidney and Hazel, Angeline shook her head as tears welled in her eyes. “Oh, Moira. I can’t be there any longer. I’ve messed up so badly.”
“Whatever do you mean?” Moira asked, rushing forward and gathered Angeline into her arms.
The gentleness was too much, and the barrier Angeline had erected to keep her emotions at bay crumbled with Moira’s comforting embrace. Bursting into tears, she felt like a terrible person for leaving Sidney when he needed her most.
