Fear replaced pity. Disgust made its home in their eyes and there were no more excuses for me.
But here it is in Julian’s eyes.
“Don’t look at me like that,” I tell him and shove him in the chest. “Stop looking at me like that.”
He catches my hands. “Like what?”
“Like you feel sorry for me. Stop it!” I shove him again. To my surprise, Julian lets me shove him back. I have a flashback of when I shoved him onto his back with a heel to his chest. He’s letting me shove him. That makes me even angrier.
I slam my hands against his chest. “You’re not a vampire! You’re not!” Julian doesn’t say anything. He lets me shove himback another step, so I do and then another and another until we’re not in the closet anymore. We’re in granny’s bedroom. The familiar scent of her floral perfume wraps around me and for a second I teeter on the edge of my sanity. Nostalgia and desperation in equal parts nearly rips me in two. I don’t fall though. Instead, I throw myself at Julian.
“You’re not a vampire!” Julian catches me and for a second I think we’re going to go down to the floor again but we don’t. We end up on my granny’s bed with my legs straddling his hips. I’ve fallen down onto his chest. He’s still barechested, and so cold. I don’t move, I can’t move. I’m listening for a heartbeat. There’s nothing but silence beneath my ear. Oh my god. Why isn’t he breathing?
I shove myself up and pin Julian down by his throat. “You’re lying. Say you’re lying.”
“I’m not. You feel it.” He shakes his head and grabs the hand at his throat. “You’re lying to yourself, Maris. You know what I am.”
“No!” If he’s right, then the entire world is fucking wrong, and if he’s lying to me then I’m crazy. I’d rather be crazy than Julian be telling the truth. I shake my head. “No, it can’t be-you’re lying.”
Julin has to be lying.
Julian watches me from where he lays. I don’t see him breathe. He hardly even blinks. Outside the storm rages on. The wind picks up and rattles the windows when there’s another clap of thunder. It echoes through the house and bounces off the walls to surround me. It’s too loud. I almost clap my hands over my ears to block it out but there’s no use. I can’t hear anything anyway with the thunder ringing in my ears.
Everything is so fucked. It’s beyond fucked because the thing that I’ve been telling myself isn’t there, is. Julian isn’t breathing.There’s no heartbeat beneath my hand on his chest and he’s too cold to be right.
Nothing makes sense anymore. Maybe it never did. That doesn’t mean that I’m not going to force it to fit me. If I’m going to accept this, I want to see it for myself. If I’m crazy, then I want to go all the way.
I raise my hand to my mouth and bite the side of my hand. I bite down even when my brain screams at me to knock it the fuck off. Pain blinds me and I keep biting until I break the skin. My teeth rip the side of my palm open and blood fills my mouth.
I spit out the first mouthful. “Is this what you want?” I hold my bleeding hand over Julian and watch him. “This is what you want from me, isn’t it?” I squeeze my hand hard, forcing more blood to flow. It drips down onto Julian’s chest and then his chin.
For a second nothing happens. Lightning flashes outside and the rain keeps falling. Julian doesn’t move. We both don’t. Everything changes a second later. I scream when fangs elongate from Julian’s teeth. His eyes change. They’re black, pitless. His entire face changes, it’s more angular, sharp. He looks like a beast. My blood drips onto his lips and his tongue snakes out to lick it up.
I feel his moan of pleasure from beneath me more than I hear it because of the boom of thunder that’s just shaken the house. Julian’s moan fills his chest and rolls up my thighs before it settles in my belly. Arousal hits me so hard it punches the air out of me. I clench my thighs and squeeze my hand harder. More blood flows from my hand to his mouth.
What am I doing?
I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m driven by instinct, by the part of me that’s angry and frustrated but most of all, scared. I’m terrified that none of this is real and that Julian will vanish like every other person that I’ve loved.
Why would he stay? My own parents didn’t. They never had the chance to.
“Go on. Take it,” I tell Julian. I lower my hand to his mouth and stop just an inch away. Crimson blood rolls off my fingertips and into his mouth. I drop my hand to cover Julian’s mouth and press my palm to his lips. Julian doesn’t attack me like I think he will.
His lips part and I feel the sharp prick of his fangs. He could rip my hand off. I know that now. He moves, the strength that I felt earlier is there but it’s not tempered. Not anymore. He grabs my hips and flips us so that I’m on my back. My hand falls away from his mouth, my blood smears across his lips and chin.
“Maris, you tempt death.” Julian leans over me and his hair falls over his forehead and across his eyes. Julian pins me to the bed when I try to move. I’m shaking and my hand throbs. I didn’t think this through. Fuck.
“Then give it to me already,” I whisper back. I choke back tears. “I’m so tired.”
He shakes his head, just a jerk of his chin. “No. You’re mine. With me you will stay. Do you understand me? You will stay with me. I command it.”
Julian just glamoured me, I know he did. The will he talked about settles down on me. It’s like a weighted blanket. I forget about my throbbing hand that’s bleeding all over the bed, I forget about what I did to Brian and Mike. I forget about the town full of fools who think they have their very own Dracula to hunt.
There’s no loss. No sadness. It melts away just like that. There’s only Julian.
Is this what it feels like to be normal?
“Why?” I ask. He knows what I’m asking him. Why did he do it? Why does he want me? Why would he want me to stay?
