He started texting Jules-style, sending his messages out in bits and pieces so that Jules wouldn’t have to wait for the stupid dots of something’s-coming.Why do you think you have so many friends?
And friends where I tend to go “Whoa, *he’s*your friend? How did *that* happen?”
It’s because you go in, open to anything, without judgment, completely believing everything will work out, and work out well.
That’s 100% hope.
In the face of a world that’s filled with bullshit and cynicism.
How do I get that backJules’s textcame in right when Robin was sending his last one.
You let yourself heal,Robin typed,and you live one day at a time for a while.Robin had a great deal of experience in living one day at a time, one moment—now—at a time.
What if I can’t get it backagain came rapid fire as Robin hit send.
Robin was certain:You will.
“But what if I can’t?”
Robin turned to see Jules standing in the doorway to the living room. He hadn’t heard the car approach, or the front door open, he’d been so intent on their text conversation. But now he put his phone down and sat up.
You willor evenIf I could live through rehab and all these years of recovery, you can and will survive thiswas not the answer Jules needed to hear yet, even though Robin believed in his heart that it was true.
“If you can’t,” he evenly told his husband, the love of his life, “I’ll love you anyway. And we’ll just keep on giving you lots of... of... sunshine and water and fresh air. Because even when a fire destroys an entire forest, and it’s all completely blackened and dead, even when nothing’s survived, there’s always some bird that flies overhead and shits out a seed into the ashes. And it takes hold and grows—and yeah, maybe it’s different from what was there before, but sometimes it’s even bigger and stronger and more beautiful than it ever was. I’ll be your bird if you need me to.”
“Shitting in my ashes,” Jules said, laughing a little despite the tears that Robin could see brimming in his eyes.
“We really should’ve put that in our vows,” Robin said ashis own eyes welled with tears. Todd, thank God, was finally gone. “It was a missed opportunity.” He held out his hand for Jules to either pull him up off the floor or to join him down there.
But Jules didn’t take it. Instead he stayed where he was. “Robin, I’m sososorry because I know you want this so badly, but I don’t want to try again for a baby. Not right now—but God, a giant voice in my head is screamingnot ever. The idea of nearly killing another woman is a huge part of that never, but I’m alsoreallystruggling with the idea of bringing a child into this horrible, fucked-up, cruel-as-shit world. I know you’ve been waiting for me to get over it, to bounce back, but I don’t...” He started to cry. “I don’t think that I can.”
“Oh, babe, it’s okay,” Robin pushed himself off of the floor and Jules must have run toward him, too, because they met in the middle in an embrace that nearly knocked him over.
“I’m so sorry,” Jules just kept saying. “I know you want this so badly but I just can’t...”
“It’s okay,” Robin said again. “We have time. We can wait. And hey, maybe it won’t stay horrible and fucked up and cruel-as-shit forever.”
“But if it does...”
Robin pulled back to look down into the eyes of this man he loved with every cell in his body. “Then we’ll be Uncle Robin and Uncle Jules. We have Ash and Haley and Billy and Charlie and—jeez, there’s so many of them.Andwe’ll get a dog or two and I’ll love every minute of my ridiculously long and happy life with you whether we have a baby of our own or not.”
“I don’t want to do that to you,” Jules whispered.
“Do what?” Robin said. “Share my ridiculously long and happy life?”
“Robin,” Jules said. “What if mynot right nowreally does become a permanentnever?”
“What if it doesn’t?” Robin countered. “But hey, even if it does, I’ll just be over here quietly shitting into your ashes, always and forever, because sooner or later, something’s gonna grow.”
“Quietly?” Jules asked.
“Yeah, I heard myself say that, too,” Robin admitted. “Let me revise that toquietly and or sometimes-slash-mostly not so quietly.”
Jules laughed, but then started to cry again.
So Robin did the only thing left to do.
He held his husband close and let him grieve.
