In yet another universe—one that was halfway between the brutal grimness of here and the full-throttle joy of there—Penny would be bouncing back from her miscarriage with a clean bill of heath, ready for them all to try again.
Why the fuck weren’t they talking about this?
Why was he was stuck in this place where he felt the need to be hold-his-breath careful around the man who was not just the love of his life and his soulmate, but his best friend, his everything...?
Fuckthatgoddamn shit.
Robin—quite possibly with Todd’s help—wrestled his phone out of his pants pocket and unlocked it, scrolling to his text messages. There was Jules’s latest.Fucking goddamn shit...
He sent his husband back a text bubble filled with hearts. And then he wrote:Please let me know if I can help in any way. I won’t drive, I promised you I wouldn’t, but I could Uber to you, if you think my being there might help.Sometimes the celebrity factor helped enormously, and sometimes it really didn’t. In LA, it could go either way.
He kept going:Also I just got a calendar reminder that punched me in the face and I think maybe you got the same one. I’m so fucking sad, and I know you are, too, and I just want to say that it’s okay that we feel this way. But if it’s all right with you, I’m gonna stop protecting you from my feelings now because I don’t think that was helping either of us, so heads up when you get home because I’m a hot mess.
Robin hesitated, thinking he should probably read it through and rethink it all again, but Todd used his big fucking stupid thumb to hit send.
“Motherfucker!” Robin said. Or maybe Todd said it. Hard to know.
But then, almost immediately, three little dots appeared in the text thread—Jules was typing. He didn’t write a long paragraph, he just fired off a steady stream of texts that appeared rapidly, one after another.
I love you
We’re finally done with this fresh hell thank god
Sam’s driving
Home soon
Sam ordered Chinese
He’ll drop me and pick it up
I got a calendar notification that was yeah
Please don’t ever pretend you’re okay when you’re not, and I promise I’ll do the same
I’m so fucking sad too and it is hard to deal with it so sometimes it’s easier to just stay numb
Oh, babe...
Or to get angry and then go numb
I’m so mad at the entire world
Like Clem load your shotgun mad
Belle used to say that and I get it now
Belle was one of Jules’s high school friends. His second high school, in his mother’s hometown, where he and she had moved right before his senior year. Jules had so many friends from all parts and walks of his life, it was sometimes hard to keep them straight, but Belle and Tom and Hobbit and Sadie and what’s his name were unforgettable. Well, almost. Whatwashis name, the guy who’d joined the DEA...? He’d been working in Vegas, but was living in Palm Springs now...
Sometimes the anger is all I can feel and that scares the living shit out of me
The constant texts finally paused, giving Robin a chance to type back:It’s okay to feel angry. I’m angry, too. And I bet if you ask Sam, right now, “Are you angry?” he’d say “Fuck yeah.”
Three dots, then...But I can’t remember what I used to feel instead of this constant soul-crushing all-consuming rage and sorrow
Hope!Robin sent his text back immediately because the answer was so obvious, to him at least.
He kept going:Jules, you’ve always been the embodiment of hope, for me at least, from the very first moment I met you. Hope and an openness to see the good in everyone and everything.
