I also don’t like the words on the tip of my tongue, but I say them anyway. “I’m scared,” I whisper. “So fucking scared, man.”
It’s the first time I’ve said those words out loud to my brother. Maybe to anyone, ever. I expect him to laugh out loud, but instead he reaches across the table for an awkward sort of fist-bump.
“I know,” he says. “Believe me, I know. We lost Mom, then Pop, then Dana. You think I don’t know how much it sucks to make up your mind that you’re gonna care enough about someone that it’ll rip out your fucking guts to lose them?”
I nod, swallowing back the tightness in my throat. He knows. My brother might be a criminal, but he’s pretty damn wise. “I guess.”
Paul sighs and leans back in his chair. “Look, man. You’ve got to at least try. Maybe you can’t have it all, but maybe you can. You sure as fuck have opportunities I’ll never get. You’ve gotta make something of that shit.”
As pep talks go, it’s not the most eloquent. It’s nothing you’ll hear in a self-help seminar, but those words resonate with me. Or maybe it’s Paul’s encouraging expression.
“You think I could fix things?” I ask. “Maybe have another shot with Lisa?”
This time, he does laugh. “You’re asking for love advice from guy who’s been showering with a bunch of other dudes for the last three years?” He shakes his head and cracks up at his own joke, but then his expression softens. “Yeah, man. I do. I really do.”
It’s enough for me. That hope, that stupid nugget of hope. Seeing it laid out before me on this battered table is like the best gift I’ve ever been given.
“Thanks, man,” I tell him. “I really hope you get out on appeal soon.”
“Why, so you can hit me up for love life advice all the time?”
“Yeah,” I say. “We’ll sit around drinking coffee and talking about our feelings.”
“Maybe form a book club,” he adds, and we both bust out laughing again.
As the guard signals us to wrap things up, I stand. So does Paul, and we embrace each other in one of those awkward bro hugs that’s only permitted at the end of a visit.
“Now go on,” he mutters, slapping me hard on the back. “Go out and get your girl back.”
I nod and look him in the eye, determined to do whatever the hell I can to follow his advice. “I’ll give it my best shot.”
Chapter 21
Lisa
“Is that a hickey on your neck?”
Missy sits down beside Cassie in the steam room and gives our baby sister her most judgmental, older sister stare.
Cassie blushes and touches a hand to her neck. “Maybe? It was our nineteen-month dating anniversary last night.”
I fight back a twinge of unwelcome envy as Cassie looks between us with a love-dazed puppy dog expression.
Missy rolls her eyes. “What are you, sixteen?”
“Hey, don’t judge a girl for getting laid.” Sarah adjusts herself on the bench across from them, tucking the corner of a fluffy white towel so it’s wedged between her boobs. “I think it’s great she’s marrying a guy who makes her look all googly-eyed and satisfied.”
“Or a guy who springs for a girls’ getaway like this.” I squeeze Cassie’s hand. “Seriously, this is the sweetest birthday gift I’ve ever gotten from someone who wasn’t even my official brother-in-law yet.”
“You’re welcome.” Cassie’s smile falters just a little. “Sorry your birthday month has been a little rough.”
I shrug like it doesn’t matter, even though my heart squinches up like a raisin in my chest. “It’s for the best. Besides, I wouldn’t have gotten to do this if I were still doing The Test.”
“Really?” Missy frowns. “Was Dax such a hard-ass about not letting you do stuff like this?”
“No, that’s not it at all.” I stretch out my bare legs to admire my new pedicure, my heart twinging again when I remember the time Dax nibbled my toes in bed, making me giggle so hard I almost passed out. “He was never a jerk about things. He didn’t make rules about what I could and couldn’t do. Just steered me in a different direction sometimes, that’s all.”
“Well, I’m glad it’s over,” Missy says. “Back to the old Lisa again.”
