“I can do this,” he says.
“I know, but I wanted to do it for you.”
He runs his fingers down my cheek, and I lean into his touch.
“Thank you,” he whispers, taking the cup from my hands and going back to the table.
I miss him being overbearing. I miss him being unable to stop touching me. I miss the way he looks at me like he wants to devour me. I don’t like that he’s treating me like a fragile piece of glass all of a sudden. I don’t want him tiptoeing around me, I want him how he was. Pushy. I want him to make me see things about myself, make me feel things that I otherwise wouldn’t. I want to see how badly he wants me.
But I can’t tell him that. I can’t turn him into who I want him to be. I know he’s capable of it, but if that is ruined, then it’s ruined. I won’t force him to be a way with me he doesn’t want to be. That isn’t fair to me because then it won’t be real. And if there’s anything I need in life right now, it’s something real.
We eat in silence, something so uncommon for us. When we’re together, we’re talking, laughing, fucking. We’re always doing something and now it’s like there is an invisible wall up between us. Fear, maybe. Not so much awkward, but maybe he is afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. I get that. But suck it up, get over it, and move on. I’m leaving the door open for him, I just need him to walk inside.
I spent my week being angry, upset, depressed. I took the time to feel all those emotions. Then Harrison snapped me out of it by acting like a crazy person.
There is no reason to dissect everything that happens in my life. Sometimes things just happen, and that’s that. Elliotmessed up. I dealt with it. I’m over it. Iwantto move on. Is he going to be able to handle that? Or will he wallow like this forever?
Is there even going to be a forever with us? Is that what he wants? Or was he just trying to make a point with his son for some issue with him that I don’t know about? I’d already worried about Elliot being done with me after getting what he wanted, but he’s still here. He didn’t exactly fight for me, but he tried after the restaurant, and he was there when it mattered most. He’s here now.
I hardly know anything about Harrison’s and Elliot’s relationship, and maybe this has been all about revenge for Elliot, the same way it started for me. Maybe this has nothing to do with me—never has. I was just caught in the crossfire. A pawn for him to use. A damn easy one too.
I need an answer, though. I need the truth. There’s only one way to find out.
When the dishes are washed and the leftover food all put away, I turn to face him and ask, “What do you want, Elliot?”
He freezes, looking up at me and pausing as he goes to put the dish towel back on the handle of the stove.
“Excuse me?” he says, though I know he heard me. I just caught him off guard. Caught myself off guard a little too, but Elliot makes it easy to be brave.
“What do you want? With us. This. I need to know.”
His brow furrows, his mouth opening as he goes to say something but then he snaps it closed.
“Elliot,” I say, moving closer to him. “What do you want?”
Why isn’t he answering me? Why is he just staring at me like I’m an alien? He’s had no issue telling me what he wants up until now, so what’s the problem?
Have I read this all wrong? Were my insecurities right? Now that he got me in bed, he’s done? Was this all about hurting Harrison, and now that’s done, so are we?
“I can only assume your silence means I won’t like the answer.” I move closer, tears stinging my eyes. “So, it’s better you just tell me to get it over with. Be clear. Tell me you don’t want to be with me, so I can move on.”
“I can’t,” he croaks out.
“You can’t?” I huff out a humorless laugh. What a coward! “I deserve better than this!”
He closes the distance between us, hands going to my arms. “I can’t tell you that because it would be a lie,” he nearly growls. “The way I want to be with you is scary, Seraphine. It’s fucking terrifying.”
He wants to be with me. Hewantsit.
“Then why are you acting like this?” I shout. Or try to, but it doesn’t come out very loudly. “Why are you being so distant? Why are you quiet? You brought me here and you’re basically ignoring me.”
“I wanted to give you space,” he argues back. “I don’t want to overwhelm you. I fucked up, and I’m trying to give you space to decide whatyouwant to do.”
“I want you, Elliot. That’s it. I want this, I want us. I’m sorry I wasn’t ready to tell everyone, but—”
“Do not apologize for that,” he growls, giving me a little shake. “Do not let my fuck up make you feel bad for feeling how you felt. Don’t fucking do that to yourself.”
“But you were right,” I say, lip trembling. “You were right. I was scared and I should have known that you wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. That no matter what happened, I would have you.”
