His insecurities didn’t give him the right to hurt Jacob though.
The professor irritated James because James doubted Jacob saw his full worth. Or that had been his fear. Now he wasn’t so sure.
Jacob had been kind to him that afternoon. Sweet even. He hadn’t gotten pissy about the mess or the cake debacle. He’d jumped in to help. Guided James. Touched him.
And maybe some of James’s anger had come from the fact that he’d been turned on by Jacob.
When the professor wasn’t looking down his nose at James, he was fun to be around. His deep chuckle had made James shiver with need. He wasn’t a stranger to hooking up. Sex was pretty easy to find in his new city and the guys that hung around the beach were hot. Getting off was okay but finding a connection with any of them. Yeah, that wasn’t what James was looking for.
Or he hadn’t been.
It wasn’t like he even had the time to date. Between his shifts at the coffee shop and the fire station, James’s free time went to training. To bulking up. To being the best.
Even he could admit that the connection he’d felt that afternoon had shocked him. James didn’t think he even liked Jacob. Maybe he did more than he’d let himself believe. Sure, the dude was hot. That wasn’t enough to upend his entire life. And Jacob being nice didn’t mean anything. Did it? Maybe the professor had been taking pity on him. Like he really thought James was just some punk kid.
It was never fun being the guy that was around when no one wanted you.
Jacob wasn’t renting them the small apartment for James’s benefit. It was Scott’s brilliance and academic goals that had gotten them an affordable place to live. Jacob couldn’t care what happened to him. It was all about Scott.
But was it really?
As much as James bitched about Jacob and his overbearing ways, he could also admit that Jacob had watched out for him too. Had spoken to them both about the dangers of living near the beach and tourists that came and went.
When Jacob came by to check on them, he always included James in the conversation.
The plastic crinkled in his hand. James finally gave in and opened the little action figure. A fucking superhero with a red cape. It really was perfect. He tossed the plastic into the trash and caught sight of his dirty socks still on the laundry room floor. Picking them up, he placed them in the basket by the washer then headed for the bedroom.
Before having breakfast with his mentor, James had rehidden the red cape.
He’d sworn that he would return it to Michael. That was a total lie. James might not be a little but pretending had been fun. Had taken off some of the stress that he carried around with him. No one needed to know. James wouldn’t wear the cape around Scott. If Michael asked for it back, then of course James would return it. Just if Michael didn’t…maybe it could be his own little secret.
* * * * *
Jacob
Sleep was hard to find. Jacob tossed and turned in his big soft bed for hours, knowing that it was a futile attempt. Even the hot shower and the reminder that he was safe in his house hadn’t helped calm his racing heart. Or stopped the shaking.
He should call his brother. Jesse was the only person that he trusted when he was this vulnerable. Even with his fingers wrapped around his cell, Jacob couldn’t make that call.
Jesse had his own life. A partner to take care of and look after. It wasn’t his twin’s job to chase away the terror any longer. Jesse had been Jacob’s protector his entire life. There wasn’t a time that Jacob couldn’t think of Jesse standing up for him. It didn’t matter if it was their abusive father, their neglectful mother, the bullies at school. Jesse had been the strong one. He stood in front of Jacob and taken a beating that had been directed at Jacob.
The scars, both physical and mental, never really went away.
Therapists, medications, running away, rebuilding their lives. All those attempts to be normal. Yeah, they were so far from what the world thought of them as.
What would people say if they saw the old house that had been falling apart? Or if they saw the dirt floor and the nasty mattress that Jacob and Jesse had shared. If they knew that beatings and slaps were as common in their house as kisses and hugs were in other families. The yelling, the hitting, and all the horrible names they’d been called daily.
Jacob pulled his blanket up to his chin. He had three thick heavy blankets on his bed. Was it too much? Yes. Did Jacob sleep practically naked so he didn’t overheat? Yep. Could hejust use two blankets? No, no he could not. He needed the reassurance, the comfort, the familiarity of his nighttime rituals.
Just like rubbing in the expensive creams and lotions that helped minimize the appearance of his scars, the blankets were a coping mechanism. As secure in the fact that Jacob was that he was mostly past his childhood trauma, there were times when doubts snuck in. Especially when he was faced with real anger and yelling.
James had been mad.
Jacob wasn’t exactly frightened of the boy. He’d never once witnessed James lose his temper or threaten anyone. Quite the opposite, in fact. James was soft with people who needed it. If Scott was having a bad day, James would cater to his brother. The newest barista at the coffee shop with big sad eyes would sometimes flinch at loud sounds and James would cover for him. James wasn’t anything like Jacob’s father.
Trauma didn’t care about facts and reality.
The shaking and the nausea from earlier hadn’t been warranted. It didn’t stop Jacob from being triggered.
