But that patience doesn’t lead to him. It can’t. He meant that I belong to Asbjörn—I just have to wait until the time is right to be claimed by Asbjörn.
Disappointment churns in my stomach, and then it points straight back at myself. I should be happy. Asbjörn is perfect for me. He’s calm, steady, and reliable. Strong and patient. He satisfies all those hidden urges within me. Well, almost, but then again, I can’t have everything. He’s everything Gustav wasn’t, and he’s everything I need in a boyfriend. Yet something’s missing. A feeling. Something I can’t quite put my finger on.
But again, I think that feeling might not be real. Yet, when I’m in town doing some grocery shopping one day, that feeling I can’t name and barely even remember anymore strikes into me with the force of a thunderous lightning.
I’m in the produce section when suddenly he’s there.Ulf. He’s standing at the other end of the aisle, just watching me. Quietly. Like all those times at the club. He stands tall and proud as always, eyes fixed on me with calm intent. A hunter waiting for the right moment to strike. Only, this man never strikes.
A knot tightens my throat, and a well of longing crashes over me. I drop the apple in my hand. It lands on the floor with a dull thud. The world stops moving. Seconds drag on in an eternityas I just watch him. Tears well in my eyes. Something’s about to snap.
I want to run to him—fall into his arms and feel that steady strength I’ve been dreaming of ever since he held me close and mended the brokenness. I want to feel his heartbeat, the heat of his body, and the tenderness of his caresses. I want to fall into the dust at his feet, feel his hand on my head. A blessing—a sacred vow as he welcomes me into his domain.
But I can’t have it. My heart is suddenly gaping with the distance of a whole month. He doesn’t want me.
I feel so damn stupid.
My mind kicks back in. I glance around. I’m in a store. About to break down.
The tears keep welling. I wipe the back of my sleeve under my eyes, searching the space, looking for… something.
But there’s nothing to help me.
I need to get away. Fast.
I drop my basket. And then I run.
20
Elina
“Are you okay?” Asbjörn asks, sliding his hand onto the back of my neck after parking his car in a clearing between the mountain forest and the community grounds.
“I’m good,” I say, though not sure if it’s true. I haven’t been able to unravel the tangled mess of my emotions since I saw Ulf. And I haven’t told Asbjörn about it. What’s the point? He can’t do anything about it, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by letting him know how badly I desire Ulf.
What I have told him is that I’m confused and uncertain. Scared. Unsure whether I want to do the chase scene. Every time we’ve talked about it, he’s listened attentively and assured me he’s going to be there all the time, right in the shadows, watching over me—protecting me. He’s also told me that the scene will cleanse my mind of whatever it is that’s bothering me, and that it has the potential to provide the release I need—to shut down my mind and connect with my instincts and the nature around me.
I think he’s right. Long walks in the forest are the only thing that has quelled my frazzled emotions over the last week, and submitting tends to shut down my brain in ways nothing else ever could. That’s why I’m here today, dressed in jeans, a light jacket over a simple blouse, and jogging shoes.
My clothes do nothing to bring me into a kinky mindset, but Asbjörn insisted on practical attire—something I wouldn’t mind getting ruined.
He rubs my thigh reassuringly. “Everything will be okay. Tap into your inner strength. Let your instincts guide you.”
I want to laugh. Because my instincts are tangled up with my messy emotions. There’s no way to see clearly. But I nod anyway. The fear is already hissing in my veins, and maybe that’s what I need to clear my mind and see straight—being reduced to instincts.
“In a short while, there won’t be any room for overanalyzing or second-guessing. All you’ll know are the ground, the trees, your straining muscles, and the pulsing adrenaline urging you on.”
I gulp and nod, not really reassured by his words.
“Come here.” He leans in and envelops me in a big hug. “Remember, I’ll be right there all along. You won’t see me, but I’ll be watching over you.”
“Okay.” I sink into him, soaking up his warmth and strength, knowing I’ll need it to stabilize me once he sets me free between the trees.
Easing his tight hold on me, he cradles the back of my head and presses his lips against mine in an achingly tender kiss. There’s so much emotion in the soft movement as his lips gently caress mine, tasting me and soaking up the feeling as if it were the last time. When he breaks off and watches me, there’s a hint of regret in his eyes that I can’t decipher.
Before I can ask about it, he leaves the car without another word.
I remain in the passenger’s seat while he goes to open the trunk.
Taking the time to calm myself, I watch the landscape outside. There’s not much to see since the mountain is blockingthe view, but even so, the sight of the tall thicket of trees, the big cliffs rising between them, and the golden glow of the setting sun is mesmerizing. I can almost smell the moss and the pine needles, and I can’t wait to go out there and merge with it all.
