Elina
I don’t see Ulf again for several weeks. Neither do I play with Asbjörn again. At the club, the week after Ulf took me home and I cried in his arms, I tell Asbjörn I’m overwhelmed and need some time. He doesn’t even seem surprised; he just gives me a long hug and suggests that we keep seeing each other as friends.
I agree without hesitation. Not just because Ulf told me to do so, but also because I badly need a friend. After everything that has happened since I joined the club, I can’t be myself around normal people. And although I’ve shared many sexual, intimate experiences with Asbjörn, there’s no awkwardness. Rather, he feels like an old friend when we simply talk. I trust him and feel familiar with him, and I’m deeply grateful for his friendship as the weeks drag on.
Even though we don’t play, I come to the club every Friday. I spend most of the time at the bar, talking to him and several other members that I’m getting to know well. During the week, he takes me hiking in the mountains, bringing me onto more remote trails than I’d dare venture onto on my own. We spend hours among the trees and along ridges, talking, laughing, and just enjoying the quiet peace of nature.
He also brings me to the farm a couple of times. Not on weekends, but just for regular dinners on weekdays, where I getto see a more casual side of life there. I’m immensely drawn to their lifestyle, and being there has the same healing effect as nature.
I don’t see Ulf at the farm either, and as much as I’m disappointed by it, I’m also relieved. Ulf stirs up more emotions than I can handle. I feel like I’m in a place where I’m regaining some strength and stability—healing my heart and finding myself anew—and seeing him would only be a disruption.
As the weeks pass, I find that this time of slowing down and reflecting upon everything that has happened over the last six months is exactly what I need. I even find it in myself to confront Gustav one day when he texts me. With a sudden burst of determination, I grab my phone and hit the call button. Then I speak my piece in firm tones and unwavering words. It’s over. I’m not coming back. Ever.
For the first time, he believes me. I can hear it in the resignation weighing down in his voice when he says goodbye. When the last beep sounds, ending the call, I know I won’t hear from him again.
A big, wide smile stretches over my face, and I drop onto my bed, feeling lighter than I have in… forever.
I tell Asbjörn about it the next day when we go hiking. He lights up with pride, lifting me up in a big bear hug and spinning me around. Setting me back down on the mossy forest floor, he grabs my head between his hands. “You’re ready. Finally, you’re ready.”
Frowning, I release a small laugh. “For what?”
“To belong to the forest,” he says with a cheeky smile, lifting his arms up and gesturing to the trees around us.
“Um, okay,” I say, casting him another bemused frown.
A week later, I come to understand what he meant. At least, I think I do.
We’re sitting on a big rock with a gorgeous view over a mountain lake, having just eaten lunch, when he takes my hand and watches me with earnest intent. “It’s been a while since we played. I know you needed a break, but I think you’re ready to try some new things.”
“Yeah?” I screw the cap on my water bottle after taking a sip. I haven’t given it much thought, but as I look inward, I think he might be right. I don’t feel as frazzled and shaken up anymore. If anything, I feel at peace. I guess time was just what I needed. Even the wound in my heart seems to have healed.
But beneath it all, there’s still a deep yearning. The hope that Ulf will return and tell me he wants me to be his. For a few weeks after that night at the club when I broke down, I thought the hope might hold merit. But as time dragged on and I didn’t see Ulf again, I realized there was no sense in hoping.
He told me to be patient—that everything would work out in the end. But I think he meant with the group. Or maybe he wants me to be with Asbjörn and stepped away to give me room to see that—let the confusing emotions die down. But although they aren’t as acute anymore, they’re still painful. And as I look at Asbjörn, I don’t feel that same instinctive gravitation as I’ve felt with Ulf from the first moment.
But I’m willing to give it a chance. I care deeply about Asbjörn, and with Ulf out of the picture and my heart having healed, maybe this can blossom into something more than the fun exploration it started as.
I reach down and pick a Starflower and twirl the stem between my fingers, watching the white petals. “What do you have in mind? A scene at the club like we used to do?”
Lifting my gaze, I’m about to smile, but I release a stuttered breath at the sight of his serious expression.
“I want to do a scene in the woods. With the clan,” he says.
“Oh.” I stare out over the lake as I process his suggestion. It’s not what I expected. We haven’t talked about initiation, but I feel like that’s where it’s headed. I keep thinking that’s what Ulf meant when he told me to be patient. And so I’ve been. But I didn’t expect it to come like this, so suddenly. “Am I finally getting initiated?” I ask tentatively.
He brushes a stray lock of hair behind my ear, fingertips softly grazing my temple. “I don’t want you to ask any questions like that. This will be a sort of test, but you can’t know the finer details. What I will tell you is the specifics of the chase. As for everything else, you have your safeword.”
“The chase?” My eyes widen; my heart speeds up.
“Yes. I want to chase you. At night. But it will not just be me. Other men from the clan will be chasing you as well.”
I swallow hard. I’ve seen the members of the group play together in various combinations, and I’ve dreamed of being part of it myself, but fantasy and reality don’t always go together.
“They won’t touch you sexually. They might catch you, but nothing sexual.”
Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply. Knowing that helps a little, but my blood is still speeding with nervousness. “Will others be there? Watching?”
“Probably.”
