“You haven’t seen it?” Nell moved her mug out of reach of Mattie’s flailing arms.
She drew in a sharp inhale of breath. Maybe Nell didn’t understand her after all. “Why the fuck would I? I lived through it. I don’t need towatchit. It’s my life we’re talking about, not a fucking TV show.” When Nell held her hands up as if to ward off an attack, she dialled it back. “Sorry.”
Nell nodded. “It’s okay.”
Mattie willed herself to choose her words carefully. She had to get this right. “And then, in the middle of all of that, you appeared. At exactly the right time. And you were everything I needed.”
“I’m so glad I was there for you.”
Nell’s voice was tender but Mattie heard a guarded tone in it too. “Everything I needed then. Everything I need now.” Mattie turned to face her and held her gaze. “Want, now. Really, really want. And that scares me.”
“Same here.”
“Which part?”
“All of it,” Nell whispered.
Mattie gave a self-deprecating laugh and grabbed her mug from the tray, needing to feel something solid under her fingers. “Why is it that I keep breaking the hook-up rules with you? Our one-night stand turned into a holiday fling. The holiday fling is intent on morphing into... I don’t know. What even is this?”
Nell stood abruptly and went to stare out of the full-length windows. She seemed to be having an internal battle, because she was quiet for an age.
“That last night in Devon, before events conspired against us,” she said eventually, “I’d decided to bail on you.”
Mattie sat up straight. “What? Why?”
“I promised myself I’d do that to protect myself if I got emotionally involved with you.”
“Oh.” Mattie’s hushed sound of realisation filled the space between them.
“When I fall, I tend to fall hard. But I struggle to trust. It’s not an ideal combination.” She glanced at Mattie and smiled wryly. “You sneaked, no, youbulldozedyour way past my defences. So much of what we did together and the decisions I made about being with you were way out of character for me.”
Mattie joined her at the window. From here, people looked like scurrying giant ants. A black cab wormed its way along the street. Everyday things, yet this conversation was anything but. She could scarcely believe that the sincerity and affection in Nell’s voice was for her. She pointed at the glass, where two startled women with bemused expressions and mouths slightly open reflected back at them. “We’re a right pair.” She giggled, despite, or perhaps because of, the tension that their shared revelations had created. “What are we going to do?”
“I don’t know.”
Mattie stared as the night sky as a cloud thinned out, and a sliver of moon appeared. “This is new territory for me.”
“Same.” Nell’s smile was laced with wariness. “The last relationship I had... Well, you know how that ended.”
Mattie sought Nell’s hand. Her fingers were cool to the touch, and Mattie resolved to hold them until they’d warmed up. “I’m not him.”
“I know that.” Nell squeezed her hand back in response but pulled it away from Mattie’s clasp.
“You also know that I’ve been upfront about always putting my career before relationships. I avoid feelings.” She paused for a beat. “Usually.” She looked at Nell’s face in the glass. “I’m aware of my limitations and my many faults. I’m a crap girlfriend.”
“How hard have you really tried?” Nell asked.
“Probably not very hard. Or I simply haven’t cared enough to try.” A flush of embarrassment accompanied Mattie’s answer.
“That’s honest, if nothing else,” Nell said. “Have you been involved with anyone since us?”
“No,” she said quickly, eager for Nell to trust her sincerity. “The only woman vaguely on the scene is Zabu, but I haven’t seen her since before Kenya. She’s a doctor with a medical emergency response charity. We met at a refugee camp in Syria.”
Nell stiffened. “A friend with benefits?”
“Yes.”
“There’s a part of me that’s so desperate to have you in my life that I’ll take anything you’re willing to offer,” said Nell. “But the self-respecting part wants all or nothing. I wouldn’t be prepared to share you.”
