“I can hear your brain whirring,” Nell murmured, eyes still closed.
“Sorry.” Mattie laughed softly and covered Nell’s ear with her hand. “Is that better?”
Nell reached for Mattie’s hand and kissed her knuckles. “What are you thinking?”
“Many, many things. How fucking awesome you are, for starters.”
“Charmer.” Nell opened her eyes. “Come on, out with it.”
Mattie hesitated, aware that Nell might find her questions intrusive. “I don’t want to ruin the mood.”
“Ask away.” Nell shuffled on the pillows. “I retain the right to say no comment.”
Mattie squeezed Nell’s hand gently. “I’m not judging you or telling you how you should behave, but I’m intrigued as to why you hide your sexuality.”
“I don’t hide it from myself.” Nell threw her a guarded look. “I’m...private about it.”
“Yet you don’t live it.”
“That’s a vast assumption on your part.”
Mattie heard the defensiveness in Nell’s tone but refused to be derailed. Asking awkward questions was her forte. “Is it?You spend a lot of time with Angie, and I’m pretty sure it’s not something you’ve shared with her.”
Nell rolled onto her back, seemingly debating whether to answer. “You’re right, I haven’t told Angie. She’s an intuitive woman, and she’s lived through Rosie figuring out her sexuality, so she might’ve guessed.” Nell stared at the ceiling as she spoke. “I met Beth in my first year at university. We were roommates, as innocent as each other, and exploring our somewhat unexpected attraction to each other was our special secret. I wasn’t really sure what my sexuality was, and then I met Gavin and fell back into the closet, not that I properly ventured out of it. Beth and I ended up marrying men, although Beth’s ability to find a good one was far superior to mine.”
Mattie heard the catch in Nell’s breath and waited for her to continue.
“My parents would be appalled if I told them I’m attracted to women. My sister might be more understanding, but I can’t face rocking the boat. To be fair, there hasn’t been anyone worth rocking the boat for.” Nell sighed. “It’s enough that I walk into a room and automatically get labelled as the police officer. Apparently, I’m never off-duty. ‘Ooh, don’t do anything dodgy around her, she’ll nick you.’ That sort of thing. I don’t like standing out. I could do without adding a lesbian or queer label too.”
“I hear you. It helps that you’re feminine-presenting. I walk into a room and everyone sees tomboy, close to bordering on butch.” Mattie grimaced. “Now I’m that reporter who nearly burned to death on live TV.”
Nell rolled back on her side and reached for Mattie. “The reporter who saved the life of a colleague by dragging him from a burning building despite being terribly injured herself.”
“Semantics.”
“Viewpoint.” Nell tsked. “You were incredibly brave.”
“No, I wasn’t, and it really pisses me off when people say that.” Mattie huffed. “I never felt brave, not then or since. I was scared shitless, unable to think beyond knowing I couldn’t bear to leave Jon behind. That wasn’t bravery. That was just being human.”
Nell moved closer to her. “I didn’t mean to offend or upset you.”
Mattie fought the urge to push Nell away. “It’s fine. I just get fed up with it all. It’s hard to move on when it’s the one thing people remember about you.” She sighed. “It’s going to get worse again.” At Nell’s questioning look, she added, “Jon’s injuries were life-altering, and he was forced to take early retirement on medical grounds. He’s written a book about it all. It’s being published next month.”
“You don’t sound ecstatic about it,” Nell said.
“It’s great that, for Jon, writing about it has been a way for him to come to terms with what happened, but it’s not going to help me forget.” Mattie frowned. How had this discussion suddenly become about her? She rolled Nell over and straddled her thighs. “Enough talking. I want more of you.”
In silent answer, Nell pulled her down for a kiss, and Mattie let herself drown in it. This was what a fling was about: fucking good sex. Tomorrow night would be their last one together, and she wanted to make the most of the limited time they had left. Guessing by Nell’s fevered response, so did she.
Chapter 18
Nell woke up the next morning feeling euphoric and still spooning Mattie. Daylight seeped through the thin curtains. She stretched for her phone to see the time and realised her body ached in a few new places. That was unsurprising. Mattie had seemingly known how she’d needed to be fucked and had gone for it.Unforgettable. Over the years, any sex drive she might have possessed—not that she could remember having much of one—had stagnated, lurking comatose in the darkness. Not anymore. Nell’s eyes focused on her phone. It was that time already? Gently, she eased herself away from Mattie’s body, trying not to wake her, but immediately missing her warmth.
In the kitchen, she flicked the kettle on and shoved slices of bread into the toaster. There was no time to cook eggs or bacon. She made tea for Mattie, because that was what she liked first thing in the morning, but did coffee for herself, knowing she’d need something to perk herself up on the drive to work. No way had she got enough sleep after last night’s marathon session.
“Hey you.” Mattie squinted as she sat up in bed, and Nell handed her the tea and toast.
“Morning.” Nell smiled. “I wish I could stay longer but duty calls.”
