TWENTY-NINE
SAWYER
I’d intendedto talk to Thurston when I arrived, but Eugene, as it turned out, was a good listener. I’d have to make sure to tell Thurston that the next time I saw him. Not only had he given me some perspective, but when my emotions had wiped me out, he also made a good pillow. That was something I’d take to the grave, however.
Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes. “How long was I out?” I asked as I tried to get my brain back online after my spontaneous nap. I didn’t nap often, and it was disorienting to wake up in an environment I wasn’t used to.
“Not too long.”
My head whipped to the side and I stared at Lukas, blinking owlishly a few times. I tried to figure out how he got here.
“I’m sure you weren’t here when I fell asleep.”
He gave me a soft smile. “Eugene sent me a text.”
He reached for me. Grabbing my hand, he threaded our fingers together. He frowned, looking sad and conflicted. “Asher came by to see me.”
“I wondered if he would.” The confrontation with Asher had rattled me. It had been years since I’d had anyone come at me the way he had.
“I made him read the book,” Lukas said. “I figured it was the best way to get through to him. He knows he fucked up, and he said to tell you that he’s sorry.”
“He’s young,” I said, feeling every second of the gap between his twenty years and my almost thirty. “He’s lucky he has someone around to look out for him the way you do.”
Lukas nodded. “That doesn’t excuse the things he said to you. I need you to know that when I stopped performing, I stopped for good. It’s not something I plan to go back to doing. It’s not what I want.
He looked so earnest, so honest, so pained by the idea that I might not believe him that it made my heart ache. Lukas had been through a lot in his life, and he could’ve let it turn him into someone entirely different than the sweet, compassionate man I’d come to lo… love?
Do I love him?
I was pretty sure I did, otherwise the idea of losing him wouldn’t have bothered me nearly as much as it had. The truth was that I didn’t want to share him with other men. We’d started as I understood we’d continue. In order for us to have a chance at all, I had to be honest with him.
“I talked to Eugene about that actually, about what it’s like to share someone he loves. He said although it’s different because he’s in a relationship with two men, and that’s a far cry from having a partner who makes adult content, it’s still all about communication and boundaries.” Beyond nervous now, I took a deep breath and wet my lips. “I want to say that I’d be fine withyou going back to work in front of the camera, but I don’t think that’s true. However, I would be open to watching your previous work.”
“Yeah?” Lukas shifted closer to me. “You know that’s not a requirement, right?”
“I know.”
“I’m actually a little surprised that you haven’t watched my work.”
I felt my cheeks turn scarlet. “I—uh, I may have watched a solo video. And a few others.”
Lukas palmed his cock and shifted, I assumed to readjust himself. “We are absolutely circling back to that later. Right now, I just need to know that you’re okay. That we’re okay.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Why me? Like… I’ve seen the guys in porn. The gym body, the perfect hair, the movie star smiles. They’re all so…”
“It’s not real, Sawyer. It’s all pretend. I mean, yeah the bodies are real, but they’re not perfect. They fit a certain aesthetic because that’s what sells. And yeah, they’re still nice guys for the most part, but if I’d wanted to be with one of them, I would’ve been. I chose you because you’re you. Because you’re Sawyer. You’re smart and kind and caring. My dog loves you, and I’ve learned to listen to my dog.”
“Your dog loves everyone.”
Lukas’s words made me feel a little better, but it was hard to shake the crushing feeling of inadequacy. It might have been there all along, and Asher had only uncovered it instead of being the one to plant the seed. “I don’t want your job to be a thing that comes between us,” I told him.
“So don’t let it be.” Lukas reached for me. His hand was a warm weight on the back of my neck, and he urged me closer until he leaned his forehead against mine. “I’m not going togo back to being on camera. I’m happy doing what I’m doing. It took me years to get to a place where I could run my own company. Where I could do things my way and create an environment for talent that wasn’t toxic or predatory. And that’s part of the reason I won’t be on camera. I don’t want people thinking that they have to curry favor with me somehow. And besides, I rather enjoy sex without having to worry about camera angles and how well I groomed that particular morning.”
“That bad, is it?” I’d admittedly never thought much about the behind-the scenes stuff. I was far from an expert on any sort of film making.
