“He’s prettier than you.”
Jax gasped and put his hand to his chest. “I’m wounded.”
His expression fell a little before he continued, suddenly more serious. “Did Ash come here knowing Sawyer was here?”
“I’d blocked out the time in my calendar for my meetings with Sawyer. Ash stopped by for reasons only known to Ash. He saw Sawyer and I kissing. He’s hurt, Jax. He threw himself at me just the other day and then not only did I turn him down, but then he saw me with some other guy. I can understand where he’s coming from.”
Jax’s frown deepened. “You’ve been a pretty steady fixture in his life since Leo died. He probably doesn’t really even have a crush on you. It’s likely he’s just worried about losing you and is reacting the way a scared twenty-year-old would act.”
I sucked in a deep breath and lowered my arms. “Whether his crush is some misguided, fear-based attraction or not, I wish he didn’t feel that way. It’s hard to see him hurting. But I’m not going to hold off on dating Sawyer to soothe Ash’s feelings.”
“Nor should you. Besides, the less time he spends with you, the more time he spends with Blue and me.”
My eyebrows shot up to meet my hairline. “Really?”
“Just as friends.”
Something glimmered in Jax’s expression, but I chose to not ask about it. If he wanted to tell me, he would. It wasn’t like we weren’t close.
“We’re saving ourselves for our shoot,” he explained.
“Then it’s either going to be awesome, or I’m going to have three premature cum shots.”
Jax shrugged, unbothered. “That means that we’ll just have to keep going to make sure you get plenty of footage. Darn,” he deadpanned. “The hardship.”
“I wish the three of you success in your endeavor, but I have to get ready for my date.”
He didn’t move. He merely regarded me, tilting his head a little. “You’re serious about this guy.”
“If serious means that I want to take him to a nice place and eat a good meal, then yes, I guess I am. But at the same time, it’s just a date, Jax. People go on dates all the time.”
“You don’t. Even back when you weren’t a hermit with cobwebs on his dick.”
“I do not have cobwebs on my dick.”
He waved his hand in the air. “Figurative cobwebs then. My point is that it’s nice to see you put yourself out there again.”
“I want this time to be different,” I told Jax in a rare moment of vulnerability.
“Different in what way?” He sat there, still and patient as I gathered my thoughts.
“Do you know that I’ve never been on a date with a guy I haven’t already had sex with? All my relationships have been with men I met through sex. There’s nothing wrong with that, and I guess I did meet Sawyer through my sex work, but it’s definitely not the same.”
“It makes sense.” Jax nodded. “It can be hard to date men that aren’t in the industry because of stigma and jealousy issues. It’s not for everyone. And it can be hard to date someone who is in the industry for the very same reasons and at least a thousand others.” He furrowed his brow. “Is that why you stopped performing?”
I shrugged a shoulder. “I stopped performing because it felt like a performance more than it didn’t, you know. I wasn’t enjoying myself anymore. I was starting to hate the thought of having sex. So I stopped.”
“Do you still hate the thought of having sex?” Jax leaned in closer, interested in my answer.
“In front of the camera, for public consumption? Yes. With a person I’m interested in, like Sawyer? No, I don’t.”
“That’s valid. But, Lukas, it is possible to be a performer and find someone who will love you. It’s not unheard of.”
“I didn’t stop because I wanted someone to love me. Or because I didn’t love myself. I stopped because I do love myself, and it wasn’t making me happy anymore.”
Jax’s sudden smile was warm, and his dimple made an appearance, reminding me about one of the reasons he was so popular.
“How are you so well adjusted?” he asked, getting up from the table and carrying his empty cup to the sink.
