“When are you going to put yourself out there? I mean, if I’m going to make the whole talk to girls leap, I want you to leap with me.”
“Sorry, Yve, but I don’t want to talk to girls.”
She hit my arm, causing Bandit to start barking at her, and she rolled her eyes at him. “He’s fine, Cujo. Stand down.”
She turned her attention to me. “Seriously, Sawyer. You’re practically a monk.”
“Maybe I like it that way. Even if I don’t, I’m not the one complaining about being ghosted.”
“Because youarethe ghost. I love you, Sawyer, and I want to see you happy. I know you want more than you’re letting yourself reach for, and I know it’s because your parents are controlling shit-fucks and their voices still echo in your head or whatever, but maybe it’s time you try to drown them out.”
Sometimes I hated that Yvette knew me so well and wasn’t afraid to call me on my bullshit. There were also times, like now, when those things were inconvenient.
“I’ll consider it. That’s all you’re getting from me.”
“Come on,” Yvette groaned. “You can do better than that.”
“I’m not unhappy, Yvette.” I liked my job. My apartment, even if it didn’t allow dogs. I might not have a stacked socialcalendar, but I did go out from time to time. I didn’t have much of anything to do with my parents or my brother, which I preferred. A love life would be nice, but it wasn’t the be-all-end-all.
“Being not unhappy isn’t the same as being happy.”
Yvette’s words stuck with me, even much later when I was back home after dropping Bandit back off at the shelter. They got me thinking about the last time I was happy, and all the memories I could pull up had Lukas in them.
It proved to be a far more depressing revelation than I’d anticipated. I loved dogs but couldn’t have one. My most recent, happiest memories all had Lukas in them, and I couldn’t have him either. At least not in the way I’d wanted him, the way I’d almost let myself try for when my head was full of wine and my body close to his.
But I could be his friend. At least that was something.
SIXTEEN
LUKAS
I hadn’t seen muchof Ash since the other day when he’d kissed me. Had I seen it coming? Yes and no. I’d sort of half-guessed that he had some kind of a crush on me. Did I expect him to kiss me, though? No. I hadn’t been prepared for that, and I should have been.
He still did his job as my assistant, just without coming around as much. Jax and Blue were keeping an eye on him, so I trusted that he’d be fine after he got over the rejection. I went ahead and put him on the schedule with Jax and Blue, opting to have both of them shoot with him for his first scene.
In the meantime, I spent a lot of time talking to Sawyer. Both for the project, and because he’d become a friend. It wasn’t that every person I knew was in the industry, but it seemed that way sometimes and being friends with someone who wasn’t felt like a breath of fresh air.
Anticipating his arrival, I straightened up the living room, earning me eyerolls from Lara as she watched me try to get her hair off of literally every surface known to man.
“How can one beast have so much hair?” I asked her, not expecting a response. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”
I gave up trying to deal with the dog hair and stopped to pet her instead.
“Sometimes I think that it would’ve been easier if I’d had feelings for Ash. That way I could keep a proper eye on him like I promised myself I would. He’d be looked after the way Leo would’ve wanted, and maybe he wouldn’t want to get into the industry.” I settled down on the floor next to Lara and combed my fingers through her fur. She let out a sigh and I nodded. “I know exactly how you feel.”
For a few minutes, I didn’t think. I just ran my fingers through Lara’s fur like she was a living, breathing Zen garden. I must have lost track of time because the doorbell rang, and my eyes snapped to the clock.Shit.
“Sawyer is here, and I’m covered in your hair.” I got up off the floor, and lacking any other option, I went and answered the door. My pants were covered in hair, having taken the worst damage from where I’d been pressed up against Lara.
I pulled the door open and tried not to die at how fucking good he looked. The weather had started to turn a bit warmer, which I almost hated because when it was colder he wore this black peacoat that was honestly sexy as hell. Today he was in a blazer that was storm-cloud gray and brought out the pink hue to his cheeks.
“Hey, come on in. Make yourself at home.” I said, stepping aside so he could enter. “I’m going to change really quick.”
I motioned down to my pants and Sawyer cracked a smile.
“She got you good, but you don’t have to change on my account. It’s just dog hair.” He stepped inside and bent to unlacehis shoes. He wore these stylish brown leather shoes that looked like they were as soft as butter.
I shook my head, unable to explain the desire I had to look my best for him. Sawyer slid out of his blazer and hung it by the door. Popping the buttons on his shirt cuffs, he rolled the sleeves up past his elbows.
