“I didn’t feel like I was. Not by then. By then, I’d been on my own for three years. I’d gone to school until they kicked me out, and then I did shit jobs and slept on couches in my friends’ basements until I wore out every welcome there was.”
“I’m sorry.”
Sawyer sounded like he meant it, and not in a way that felt like disgust or pity. There was no way in hell he’d been through anything like the shit I’d been through, but it was as if he looked at my past and saw the ways I had been failed, instead of my own mistakes.
But we’d only just scratched the surface. Who knew how long that would remain true. Standing up, I walked to Lara, who still laid on the grass, sprawled out in the sunshine.
“We should head back. At the rate Lara goes, we might make it before dark.”
Sawyer came up beside me and tucked his hands in his pockets. “It’s okay if not. Lara will protect us.”
I couldn’t stop the laugh that burst out of me. Lara would be of no help in a bad situation. She wasn’t that kind of dog.
“That’s unlikely, but she appreciates the support. Even if it’s a little delusional.”
“My delusions are all I have sometimes.” Sawyer bumped his shoulder against mine. “Thanks for taking me to the swings. I can’t remember the last time I went on those.”
“I come here to think sometimes.”
“Recapture your lost childhood?” Sawyer’s voice was soft.
“Something like that,” I said.
Exactly like that.
NINE
SAWYER
It wasclear to me that Lukas had done well for himself in spite of, or maybe because of, his upbringing. I found myself thinking about him a lot, even when I wasn’t actively working on his book. The intro was done, and I’d been working on the opening chapters that detailed his younger years.
In many ways, Lukas was an open book, but I couldn’t ignore the feeling that he was keeping something from me. It was silly, of course. Anything I asked, he answered. I tended to text him all hours of the day and night with random questions about his life. Sometimes I needed him to clarify something, other times I was just curious. Sometimes I just wanted any excuse to talk to him.
He had two kinds of responses. Short text messages or longer voice notes. I found myself far preferring the voice notes. The low timbre of his voice had started to invade my dreams. In short, I was developing a crush on him. Which is why it was a monumentally bad idea to even consider looking up his work.
Lukas had made adult content for his entire adult life, meaning there were plenty of people who’d seen him naked. Who’d seen him fuck and be fucked. I’d probably have to see it eventually, I told myself. For research purposes, of course. Watching his work was part of the book. It would help me understand the things he’d been through a little more. It was practically mandatory.
I got as far as opening my laptop and googling his name before I stood up and walked away from my desk. Scrubbing a hand down my face, I admonished myself for even thinking that this was necessary. I should only watch whatever content Lukas deemed necessary for me to see for professional reasons. Surely this was crossing a line. Wasn’t it?
But it wasn’t like Lukas’s content was a secret to me. It wasn’t as though the book was going to be anything other than his career in the adult industry, I told myself as I sat back down at my desk. Besides, wasn’t it better if I had seen some of his material and gotten the awkwardness out of the way beforehand? In case there came a time where he had to show me something?
Maybe that was a reach, but it gave me the courage I needed to press play on the first video. Deciding to start tame, I chose a solo video of Lukas. He was sitting on a chair in a hotel room, legs spread wide, his cock was rock hard, when the video started. Hard and shiny with lube like he’d been at this a while. I watched him wrap his hand around his cock and drag it from tip down to the root and up again. His head tilted back, exposing his throat as he moaned. His other hand swept across his chest, and he teased his nipple with his fingertips.
Pausing the video, I tore my gaze away. Lukas was hot as hell. He was hot with his clothes on, but naked was an entirely different matter. Lukas was built. I don’t know that I’d call him ripped or stacked, but he looked solid. Firm. The dusting of hairon his chest turned into a trail that tapered and led down to his neatly trimmed nest of pubes.
Okay, he was hot and could work a camera. Wasn’t that all I needed to know? Probably? I couldn’t make up my mind if this was a good idea or a really fucking bad one, but I pressed play again anyway.
Lukas stared into the camera and my cock throbbed. It made me feel funny, like he was looking directly at me. Had he been in front of me in person, I wouldn’t have been able to meet his eyes. The heat in my face had turned into an inferno as arousal and embarrassment intertwined under my skin.
Precum leaked from the tip of Lukas’s cock and his moans filled the room. I turned the volume down a little, suddenly conscious of the fact that I lived in a condo, and my neighbors might hear the porn if it was too loud. Paranoid? Me? Probably.
Lukas’s hand slid down his body, and he cupped his balls as he jerked himself faster, adding a twisting motion sometimes to tease the head of his cock. I desperately wanted to touch myself, but I kept my hands pinned to my sides and gripped the bottom of my chair. When Lukas let out a particularly throaty moan, my hand shot up and I paused the video.
My hands shook as I grabbed my headphones and synced them with my computer. When I let the video resume, it was better because the fact that now for sure no one but me could hear what I was watching. It was also worse because Lukas was looking into the camera lens again which meant he was staring directly at me. And now I had his voice in my ear, whispering to me. Telling me how hot I was. How good I was. How much he wanted me.
My stupid dick loved hearing that. It twitched in my pants and leaked a stream of precum into my underwear, causing a wet patch. I badly needed to adjust myself, but I was worried that one touch would have me shooting off like a rocket.
I clicked away to a different video and fast-forwarded past the intro part of the film where the guy starring opposite him had called for a plumber. Lukas showed up at the front door in a tight shirt, jeans with holes in the knees, and a tool belt around his waist.
