I have to press a hand over my heart to keep it from pounding a hole through my chest.
What am I supposed to say to that? How am I supposed to convince them of their destruction when they’re holding me from both sides, compressing my broken shards together.
I don’t deserve this... them, but that’s what I am — selfish. I’m selfish and for once in my life, I’m not ashamed of that.
“Let’s get through this mess. Once everyone leaves, we’ll talk, okay?” Nick offers.
I nod, oddly lightheaded and tipsy like I drank too much on an empty stomach. The bubbling rush makes me want to laugh and squeal and dance like a lunatic, but I somehow refrain and summarize all those brewing emotions into a face splitting smile.
They never leave my side. If one steps away, the other is right there, unmoving. I haven’t seen Mom once since her arrival. The car is still out in the yard with all the others. The cabin isn’t that large for her to hide. But she’s doing an excellent job of staying out of sight.
Which has my anxiety through the roof. The fact that they won’t let me find her, talk to her, only makes the knot tighter until I almost want to double over in pain.
They’re being unreasonable. I understand trying to protect me, and I appreciate it, but there is nothing she can say that I haven’t already heard. There is no hole she can dig to make me hate myself more than I do. Nick doesn’t realize this will put astrain between him and his father, too. He’s fully prepared to burn all the bridges... for me.
And my heart aches.
I find him by the tree, scowl in place, listening to his cousin explain something with wide gestures. If I didn’t know better, I would think Nick was losing his patience, but I know he’s wearing his concentrating face. His focused expression that slips into place when he’s listening deeply. His head bobs slowly in understanding and he responds with a calm tone I can’t hear over the blare of Jingle Bells.
Dom takes my hand and turns my focus to him.
“Want a drink?”
I shake my head. “Have you seen my mom?”
His head lifts and he does a cursory sweep of the room. But the open concept space is a sea of bodies. No doubt violating multiple by-laws.
“She’s here somewhere,” he muses over the music. “Don’t worry about her.” I’m pulled into his arms. “She’s probably sulking in a corner hoping you’ll find her.”
But I want to find her.
I want to apologize and get the lecture over with.
“Can you help me find her?” I beg. “Please?”
His features twist into a clear refusal, but relaxes a fraction and I stare up at him pleading.
“Fine, but I stay with you.”
I accept the offer and let him grip my fingers tight as we work our way through the crowd.
Someone screams and I stumble into Dom’s back. We both spin but it’s just a cluster of aunts already three sheets to the wind. They’re doubled over, hanging off each other for balance. Watching them, I feel my lips twitch, but the amusement doesn’t last when I spot the familiar, round face staring straight at me from across the room.
Mom.
Half hidden behind the tree. Red, blue, and green lights flick and snap across her stony expression. They lance off the unblinking surface of her eyes.
I watch her peel away from the wall and ease her way to the front door. No one notices when she slips outside.
This has to happen, I think. I need to talk to her. I’m a grown woman and Nick was right, I can’t keep running forever. It has gotten me nowhere. I have no home. No friends. No reliable job. I have no purpose. The only constant in my life is Christmas and only because I have no choice.
I don’t want that anymore.
I want a life with my boys. I want a home and family. I want to wake up and know I’m loved and worth that love.
But to have that, I need to face my demons. I need to take that stand finally and... if I face her, maybe I can let go.
I glance back to Dom, grateful he hasn’t noticed.
