“I’ll be right outside,” she says, and I don’t know if that’s meant to reassure me or threaten him.
He stands there, feet planted wide, his hand scrubbing the back of his head, looking absolutely tortured.
And I let him.
For a bit, anyway.
“You left,” I say finally, the words coming out as a watery whisper.
Dan looks like I’ve driven a knife between his ribs.
“Yeah,” he croaks.
“And what’s worse, you left without talking to me,” I say. “You’re supposed to talk to me. That’s what we did. We talked.”
He hangs his head. “I know.”
I sigh. “I thought…I don’t know. It’s just, I thought maybe this all meant more?—”
His gaze snaps back up. He takes two long steps toward me but stops short of the bed. “It does,” he says, his voice desperate. “It means so much more.Youmean so much more. Fuck, Carson, you mean everything.”
I shake my head. “But when it came down to it, you left.”
He closes his eyes, breathing in like he’s trying to endure physical pain. “I made a mistake. I’m so,sosorry.”
I don’t know what to say. I want to reflexively accept his apology. To toss off anit’s fine. To brush it all away. That’s what I do. It’s a hazard of being a generally positive person.
But it’s not fine. I’m not okay.
“You hurt me,” is what I finally say.
Dan drops to his knees, leaning on the bed like he’s going to pray for my forgiveness. “I know. I fucked it all up. Marcel called and told me I was probably being indicted, that I needed to come or they’d arrest me here, in front of you. And I just couldn’t bear it, Carson. I couldn’t do that to you.”
“What you did was worse.”
“I know that now. And I’ll regret it forever,” he says. “You’ve spent this summer becoming the fiercest, most independent version of you. Tonight I was going to get to see you prove it. See you be out loud the person you’ve always been inside, and I fucked it up. I ruined that moment for you, and I’ll never forgive myself.”
I’m crying again, silent tears streaking down my face. It’s all too much. My ankle hurts, it’s sinking in that I won’t be able to play roller derby for a while, and this man who wrecked my heart, really raked it over the coals, is on his knees at my bedside, apologizing.
And he’s here.
He flew to New York, then turned around and came back.
For me.
“Wait, did you say you’re getting arrested?” I ask.
“Yeah.”
My mouth drops open. “Dan, that’s a big deal. What are youdoinghere?”
“I don’t know. I just knew that I couldn’t live with myself for treating you like that. I get it if you can’t trust me anymore. I’ve certainly given you every reason to think you aren’t important to me. But please, let me make it up to you. If you give me anotherchance, I’ll spend as long as I have proving how much I love you. I’ll be at every derby game. I’ll buy you that wallpaper and hang it wherever you want. I’ll follow you wherever you want to go. Please, just let me back in. I’ll be the luckiest motherfucker on the planet if you let me bask in your sunshine a little longer.”
He takes my hands in his and gazes up at me, his eyes filled with desperation. “I love you, Carson. I’m a coward and an asshole for not telling you that earlier. But please, let me tell you now. Let me tell you forever. I love you, my sunshine girl.”
“Fuck, Dan,” I say, laughing through tears as I realize, the combination of the emotions letting me know that I’m going to be okay. Thatwe’regoing to be okay. “I love you too, goddammit.”
He lets out a breath like he’s been yanked back from a ledge. Then a smile begins to spread across his face. “There’s that dirty mouth.”
