And then my mind goes to Carson, my stubbornly hopeful, defiantly happy, delightfully feisty roommate.
And I wish she were here. Then I don’t think I’d feel like I had to stare at my plate. I don’t think I’d have to tune out the noise of the room so forcefully.
I know I fucked everything up with her the other night in ways I’m not even sure I understand. And also before that, when I nearly made a pass at her in her kitchen. That’s the moment everything went wrong, and I want to fix it. I don’t want to avoid Carson. I don’t want her to avoid me.
Because the truth is, despite my best attempts to ignore it, when Archer told me I needed a friend, Carson was the only person I thought of.
My sister is out on the deck sniffling into Decker’s shoulder while Owen and Wyatt start the dishes in the kitchen. Archer and Felix have graduated to walking around the housephotographing things they need to fix, like the dent in the wall outside the room that used to be mine and Archer’s from when Felix kicked it after we wouldn’t let him play Xbox with us in middle school.
While everyone is occupied, I take the opportunity to slip through the living room to the front door. My only thought is getting back to the house so I can talk to Carson. I have no idea what I’m going to say, but I figure I have the drive across town to sort it out.
“Sneaking out?”
My hand is on the doorknob when I hear my dad’s voice behind me, and suddenly I’m seventeen again, sneaking out of family dinner to walk around the neighborhood with my headphones on.
I turn and face Dad, trying not to duck my head like I used to. I’m thirty-one years old, after all. I can look my father in the eye.
“If that’s okay,” I say.
“Of course. I appreciate you coming,” Dad says. “I’m always happy to see you. I know you’re not in town for the best reasons, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t nice to get to see you.”
“Yeah…” I say, wishing that for once in my life I could find the right words to tell my dad what’s going on in my head. “Congrats, by the way. I like Corianne. You guys seem really happy.”
“Thanks, son. I’m grateful to have found another person who puts up with my nonsense.”
I nod. “You’re a lucky man.”
“Don’t I know it.” Dad pulls me in for a hug and sighs into my shoulder. “I love you, Dan. No matter what. You never have to worry about being or doing or saying the right thing on my account. I love you just as you are, you hear me?”
My throat gets tight as I squeeze my dad’s shoulders, still broad and strong but a little more stooped than I remember. And for the first time since I walked in the door, I exhale, deep and long. Because in between all the memories from my childhood of escaping or hiding, there are these memories too. Of my fatherletting me just be, of him reminding me that he’ll always be there for me, that he loves me no matter what.
It’s a reminder that even when things are hard, I’m still a lucky motherfucker.
“Thanks, Dad.”
I pull back but don’t immediately reach for the door.
“It’s okay, you can go. It seems like you have someplace to be?” Dad says.
“Just a personal thing,” I say.
“I hope you’ve got somebody you can talk to. I get why it’s hard to talk to me, or even your siblings. But having Corianne by my side these last two years has shown me how much I needed someone I could talk to. And the craziest part is that I had no idea how badly I needed it until I had it.”
I don’t know if Dad realizes how far he’s drilled down into me. It’s like he sees right through me.
For the first time in a long time, it’s comforting to be seen.
“Yeah,” I say, the word clawing its way up my throat. But I’m trying.
Dad nods, a smile playing at the corner of his lips. “Go on, then. I’ll see you later.”
CHAPTER 14
CARSON
Three hours of derby practice is followed by two hours of laughing with the freshies and stuffing my face with nachos and beer, then a forty-five minute drive home. By the time I walk in the door, the day has caught up with me.
I’m tired. I’m sweaty. I need something to eat that isn’t deep-fried.
