He’s also a bit of a bossy bitch. Classic oldest brother shit.
“He’s fine, Arch,” Dad says, patting my brother on the shoulder.
“Good to see you, Dan,” says Corianne, my dad’s yoga teacher turned girlfriend, from beside him. We all love her, and she’s so good for Dad, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t strange to see a woman sitting at our table beside him. But our mother died whenwe were so young, and he’s been alone for so long, so we’ve all worked hard to move past whatever hang-ups we might have about their relationship. Of course Archer took the longest to come around, because he’s a meddler, but he’s on board now.
I give Corianne a nod and a smile and take a seat at the far end of the table, wedged in the corner by the sliding glass door that leads out onto the old deck. Owen sits beside me, his girlfriend, Wyatt, beside him. Grace and her boyfriend, retired Stanley Cup champion Decker Brooks, sit next to her. Felix, blessedly single (and vowing to stay that way), takes the seat across from me.
Everyone begins talking at once.
There are lots of requests to pass things and questions about the food, offers to grab drinks and extra napkins and salt. I scoop a polite amount of casserole onto my plate and fill the rest with salad that apparently—per the shouting across the table—came from Corianne’s garden. The noise feels like a physical thing, pressing in on me from all sides. I find myself ducking my head, eyes on my plate, trying to keep it from crushing me, just like when I was a teenager.
I fork a bite of salad into my mouth and realize that one of the very few things I actually missed about Indiana was homegrown tomatoes. I can practically taste that Midwestern sun still warm on the ruby-red skin.
“Grace, this is really great,” Wyatt says around a mouthful of casserole. “Is this turkey?”
“Yeah! It’s an enchilada casserole with ground turkey and zucchini. I got the recipe from this cookbook a publisher sent me. The author is from Wisconsin, and I think we might do an event with her at the store,” she says.
“It’s fantastic, babe.” Decker leans over and plants a kiss on Grace’s jaw that has me staring down at my plate.
“Oh, I made an extra for you to take over to Madeline and Betsy,” Grace says to Archer. “I heard they were sick.”
“Yeah, they’ve both got COVID. I think Betsy picked it up on the plane coming back from visiting her dad in Atlanta,” Archersays, and a shadow crosses his face as he mentions the trip. Madeline is Archer’s next-door neighbor, the single mom of thirteen-year-old Betsy, and every time Archer talks about them, his eyes go all gooey. But if you ask him about it, he immediately starts gaslighting everyone in a five-mile radius.
“Let me know if they need a house call. I’d rather mask up and check on them than bring Betsy into the practice and risk her exposing people,” Owen says, ever the town golden boy.
All around me, my family chatters about work and their lives, and I sit in the corner, silently forking food into my mouth. It’s been more than fifteen years since I lived at home, and it doesn’t escape my notice that the family dynamics haven’t changed. Archer is still bossing everyone around, Felix is still fucking around, Owen is trying to take care of everyone, and Grace is still the baby.
And I’m still trying to disappear.
“Okay, I called this family dinner, so eyes on me,” Dad says, clapping his hands until everyone falls silent and turns their attention to the head of the table. “I want to share some news with you all.” He reaches over and takes Corianne’s hand in his. “Corianne and I have decided to move in together, and we’ve decided that the best plan is for me to move into her place.”
Grace gasps. Felix drops his fork.
“Are you serious?” Archer asks.
“I know it comes as a shock, but Corianne’s house has a better layout. It’s closer to the hardware store. She’s been cultivating her garden for decades, and she’s got that old garage that I can turn into a workshop.”
“But…this is our house,” Grace whispers. Decker threads his fingers through hers and gives her hand a squeeze.
“Yes, but you kids are all starting your own lives. You’ve got places of your own. Grace, you and Decker are moving out to the lake. Felix and Owen have their house. Archer, you’ve got yours. And Dan…” Dad trails off, because of course I don’t have my own place anymore. I have Carson’s mom’s old sewing room and a mountain of uncertainty.
I look up from my plate and catch Dad’s eye, trying to let him know with a look that everything’s fine. We don’t need to acknowledge any of that out loud. Thankfully, he takes the hint and moves on. And because his news is so shocking, my siblings don’t take the opportunity to pepper me with questions like they normally would.
“We’re going to put the house on the market in a few weeks, so you’ll all have plenty of time to take whatever you want. I imagine it’ll take a while to sell in this market, so nothing is going to happen overnight,” Dad says. “I know this is hard news. For some of you, it may feel like you’re losing part of your mother all over again. But I need you all to know that I will always love her and that none of the love our family shared with her lives in the walls of this house. It lives in all of us, and we’ll take it with us wherever we go.”
For the first time I can remember, everyone at the table is silent, save for a couple of sniffles from Grace.
“Shit, Dad, did you finally get a therapist?” Felix cracks.
“In fact I did,” he says, his voice a low grumble.
“Well, congratulations,” Owen says, smiling in a way that looks only slightly forced. I can tell he’s doing his best to get on board, to support Dad, and to drag all our siblings along with him, fulfilling his role as the peacekeeper. Owen raises his glass and casts a look around the table until everyone else does too. But I notice that beneath the table, he reaches for Wyatt’s hand and gives it a hard squeeze.
Archer’s brow is still furrowed, but he seems to be biting his tongue. He raises his glass. Grace raises hers even as she tips her head onto Decker’s shoulder. Felix is the only one who looks mostly unbothered by the news. After the toast, he immediately offers to help Dad with whatever fixes the house needs to get it ready to go on the market. That gets Archer’s attention, andbefore long, the three of them are adding to a list on Felix’s phone.
Before long, the trademark McBride family din returns. Everyone is leaning in to someone else, chattering, commiserating, planning. And I’m at the end of the table, wondering where I fit in. When I was halfway across the country, I could tell myself that was why I felt so separate from everyone. But now that I’m here, I’m realizing that the physical distance wasn’t the problem. I love my family, but they fit me like a wool sweater that has shrunk in the wash. Or maybeI’mthe one who fitsthembadly.
I wish I felt as comfortable with them as they feel with each other. I wish I could be as unbothered as Felix. I wish I had Archer’s instinct to look out for everyone, even if it is stifling. I wish I had the comfort that Owen has with Wyatt and Grace has with Decker. I wish I understood why I can’t seem to connect with anyone the way they all connect with each other.
