—William Shakespeare,Romeo and Juliet
Chapter 36
Emery
May
Thursday morning before class, I laid my prom dress out on my bed. Again. I couldn’t stop looking at it, though it created such a bittersweet ache in my heart. It was white with a heart-shaped bodice, full-skirted but shorter in the front and longer in the back so as not to swamp my short frame. It wasn’t designer label or fashionable like the other girls’ dresses would be. But I’d taken some clothes to consignment and made a trade for it, so it felt like mine.
I kept imagining how I’d look in it, wanting to be beautiful for Xander, and standing next to him in his black tux. He’d be so handsome for our photos.
The closest thing we’ll have to wedding photos.
I wasn’t supposed to be thinking like that. It was a paper marriage only, designed to help me escape after graduation. But my heart wouldn’t stop replaying our wedding, terribly short and sad and real—when it wasn’t supposed to be real.
I brushed the thoughts away and got ready for school. The end of the year—and prom—had raced up to me so fast. Since the funeral,Delilah and I had thrown ourselves into the work, turning the Castle Hill Country Club ballroom into an elegant, black-and-white wonderland filled with sparkle and light. I should’ve been excited, but instead all I could think about was how it might be my last night with Xander for a very long time.
At the Academy, I met Delilah and Harper at our usual spot at midmorning break under the willow tree outside.
“We’re in really good shape for Saturday night,” Delilah said, consulting her iPad. “We just need to put on the finishing touches. Oh my gosh, it’s going to be so beautiful.”
Delilah was working in overdrive to keep our spirits up. I was a ball of anxious nerves thinking I might have to tell my parents I was leaving, while some light had gone out of Harper’s eyes since Dean died, and I didn’t know if it was ever coming back. The mood of the entire school was muted now, even on the sunniest of days. Dean’s absence was palpable and made the Academy, even with all its pomp and glamour, feel empty. A missing piece it couldn’t afford to lose.
“Are you going to prom, Harper?” Delilah asked.
I looked at her, curious about that myself. She hadn’t confided in me about whatever was happening with her and Orion, but it didn’t seem good.
“Doubtful,” she said. “But I’ll peek in to see what you guys have done. Are your parents going to see the result of all your hard work and artistry, Em?”
“I don’t know. I can’t get as straight answer from them, so maybe that’s my answer.”
I didn’t add that there was still a part of me that wanted desperately for my father to see it and be proud. To spare me from having to walk out the door and be disowned, like Jack. But the stage was set. All that was left was for me to pull the trigger.
And leave Xander. My husband…
Harper and I parted ways with Delilah and headed to English.
“How are things with Xander?” Harper asked, as if reading my mind.
“We’re in a superposition,” I said wanly. “Really wonderful and really terrible. He’s so good, Harper. He’s struggling to take care of his father, and he’s devastated about Dean. And now—barring a miracle—I’m leaving too. I’m just afraid that…”
“What?”
“He’s lost so much, been hurt so many times… I’m afraid that when all is said and done, I’m not going to see him again.”
“Why?” Harper frowned. “I can’t believe that. He loves you.”
I nodded. “And I love him, but…”
There are limits.That’s what he’d told me. He had his math and his science, where he found security in the exactness, but now he was drowning.
“Maybe I should just forget California.”
Harper gave me a look. “Are you saying that because it feels right or because it’s easier?”
We’d arrived to our class, and I was spared from having to answer. At the very end of the period, Ms. Alvarez handed back our papers onRomeo and Juliet.She’d printed them out to grade them, preferring to use an actual red pen for corrections and edits.
“All in all, I’m very impressed with your analyses,” she said, strolling the aisles. “A testament to Shakespeare’s talent that his work still resonates in our day-to-day lives as strongly as it does.”
