I’ve never been so terrified in my life. This is a fear that feels like it’s gripping my insides and making it impossible to breathe. The type of fear that takes over your entire being and holds you captive until you can’t function or makes you dothe stupidest thing you could have ever done—walk out on the woman carrying your child.
Not knowing what to do, I pick up my phone and call Myles.
“What’s up, bro?”
“She’s pregnant,” I blurt out, then slam my palm on the steering wheel.
“Whoa … okay. First, calm down and take a deep breath.” He pauses, and I do as told. “And you know it’s yours?”
“Yes, fucker. Of course it’s mine.”
“Does she know you don’t want kids? Did you ever talk to herlike I told you to?” he points out like a parent would.
“No. All right, I never told her. Don’t give me thatI told you soshit either. What am I going to do?”
“You’re going to talk to her. Tell her why you don’t.”
“It’s a little too late for that talk.”
“What do you want?”
I finally admit to myself that I do really want to be a dad, but I can’t speak the words.
When I don’t respond, he asks, “What happened when she told you?”
“I was in shock. I started to cry, then got up and left.”
“You cried?” he asks in disbelief.
“Yes, okay, I fucking cried, which is why I left, and now, I’m driving around like a complete asshole, having no clue what to do.”
“Why did you cry? I mean, you know I don’t want kids, but I wouldn’t cry about it.”
“It caught me so off guard. And … I really like this girl.”
“It’s one thing to not want kids. I’ve never wanted kids. But when did you start to feel that way?”
I finally admit, “You know when …”
“Ah fuck, Fed. You can’t put that shit on yourself.”
I pull over and drop my head to my steering wheel. “How can I not? I’ll never get her screams out of my head. If that were my child …”
“It wasn’t. And it won’t be. Accidents happen.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know how people move on from something like that.”
“So, you’ll stop living the life you wanted for fear of that happening?”
“Absolutely.”
“Bro, that’s some fucked-up shit. You need to go talk to a counselor and get some help. You can’t let the job rule your life.”
“I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Well, buck up, bronco, because you’re about to find out.”
I shake my head. “I can’t. I just can’t.”
