He closes the door and waves his goodbye before backing away and heading back to his daughter, where I’d be if I wasn’t a big, fat liar.
24
Sarah
I’m the biggest piece of shit ever. Lying to Adam again about church broke my heart. I must find a solution to this before I really cause a kink in our relationship. I can’t imagine what he’d do if he found out I was lying.Would he forgive me? Would he understand? Oh God, would he hate me?
The thought makes me ill, and I stop to take deep breaths, promising I’ll figure this out today.
I just wish my father weren’t so close-minded. I’ve stayed here because it’s all I know. I tried to live my life outside of his grasp, and look what happened.
At the same time, I can’t help but think what’s been happening since I’ve been back. Each day, a part of me is lost. My happiness, my soul is dying here. I’ve been scared to try again, to put myself out there, but that fear is floating away.
What happened in the past is totally different, and if I can move on, then so can my father. Isn’t that the Christian way anyway?
Lumping Adam in that category just because of his looks and career is not fair. I need my dad to see who Adam is—as a man, a father, and a boyfriend.
I stare in the mirror, trying to see if the person I once was is still there. Lately, I’ve felt that rush, that happiness that I thought I’d never feel again. I’ve been lost for so long, and being with Adam is finally bringing me back. I don’t want to lose that.
All the memories flash through me, and I close my eyes, ridding them from my head and focusing on Adam instead. When I reopen them, I see her. The girl I thought had died years ago. The girl with drive, passion, and a dream.
Adam is giving me her. I won’t let my dad or anybody take her again.
I reach in my drawer to pull out the dark lipstick I threw in years ago. I don’t want just a portion of me back. I want it all. Damn what anyone says. Just like Adam mentioned, there’s always going to be haters.
I swipe the dark rouge across my lips, loving the way it brings out my eyes and plush bottom lip. With a renewed sense on life, I pull my hair up, put on a top where my tattoo shows the slightest bit, put on a little more blush, and lift my chin to the mirror.
Bring it.
At church, a few of the older woman seem caught off guard, but I also get a few compliments from the younger ones. I smile sweetly at them all, trying to prove that it doesn’t matter what I choose to look like. I’m the same person on the inside, and I’m ready to let everyone else here meet the real me.
When my father sees me, he’s quick to request I walk with him to his office.
“Is there something I need to know about?” he questions, giving me that expression I feared as a little girl. “Why did Officer Kelly tell me he ran into you up on Mix Canyon? Who were you with? And what’s with the makeup?”
I stand tall, not willing to back down. “I was with a friend. We weren’t doing anything wrong, and once he saw it was me, he backed off.”
He places his hands on his desk, leaning forward. “Who’s this friend?”
My heart rate spikes, and I inhale a breath, feeling more ready than ever to tell him exactly who he is. “He’s—”
“Pastor Russo, we have a visitor who wants to meet you before you start the service,” the church secretary says as she walks into the room.
Dad takes a breath and straightens his tie. “I’ll be right there.” He turns back to me. “This conversation isn’t over, young lady.”
I turn on my heel and exit his office, more determined than ever to bringmeback.
I was set to sing another song, but after I greet everyone, I make my way to the stage where the band members are sitting and ask for a song change. It’s one I’ve done many times, but today, it’s feeding my soul with the strength I need to get myself back.
When it’s my turn to sing, I get up, belting out the words to one of my favorite songs, “Power,” feeling every word, every note rip through my body, changing me even more.
There was a time I questioned if I’d get back to her, get back to having my faith fully in God the way I’m putting myself in his hands right at this moment. I’m depending on him, feeling his strength, just as the lyrics suggest.
I’ve sung many times in this church, in class, and just on my own but not the way I am now. There’s a difference between letting the lyrics fall from my lips and actually feeling the song deep down in my soul.
As I sing the last note, applause breaks out, reminding me that I’m here, in front of everyone, and not lost in my own world that I escaped to momentarily. And by their reaction, they noticed it too.
I inhale slowly, taking it all in and breathing out the old Sarah completely.
