At six he opens the door, holding a bag. “How are my girls?” he asks, kissing my lips and mybelly.
The instant smile on my face warms my heart and calms my worry. “We’re good. What’s in thebag?”
“I bought our daughter her first outfit,” he announces, beaming withpride.
I laugh and take it from him. Inside are pink leggings and a shirt that saysPretty like Mommyonit.
The waterworks return without warning, and I have to put down the outfit and run to ourbedroom.
“Baby,” Connor calls after me, following me into theroom.
I lay down on our bed and weep. Connor doesn’t say a word, just curls up behind me, holding metightly.
“I’m scared,” I admit for the first time out loud since I found out I hadcancer.
“Me too,” he whispers. “But I’m here. I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re alone. I want our daughter more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life. This is right. Her birth isright.”
“But she won’t have amom.”
“Yes she will. She’ll always have you in every aspect of her life. When you’re not physically here, Tracy, my mom and your mom will be. Between your family and mine I’m not worried one bit that she’ll not feel the love of a mother. She’s our miracle. The gift you gave usall.”
I snuggle against him, resting my head on his chest, feeling an overwhelming combination of joy, heartache, andhappiness.
She is my gift. My gift tohim.
26
Dear Baby Girl,
Today I start a new diary, one just for you. I want to share my thoughts, feelings, and most of all my love. Even though I won’t be here physically, I hope these letters offer you a smile in times of need. I’ll always be by your side, Ipromise.
We found out yesterday you were a girl. You should have seen your father’s face—fear, love and ultimately protectiveness. He’ll never let anything bad happen to you. But the best part was the tears that filled his eyes. You’ve already brought so much happiness into our lives. If there is one thing I want you to know, it’s how much you are loved and wanted. You’ll always be our miracle, and I can’t wait to meetyou.
Love,
Mom
Mackenzie
Ididn’t wantto discuss my doctor’s phone call yesterday, but the thought kept me up allnight.
What if something happens to me? What if I don’t make it long enough to carry our daughter toterm?
Every time the thought of not providing the life my daughter needs ran through my head I would start topanic.
How could I do this to her? What if she has life-long complications all because she was born tooearly?
After a completely sleepless night, my eyes are puffy and I feel like all I did was cry lastnight.
When Connor finally wakes up, I turn to him. “I have something to tellyou.”
“Is everything okay?” he asks reaching out to cup my face, obviouslyconcerned.
“I saw my doctor the otherday.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? I would have gone withyou.”
“I know, but I didn’t want to worry you. He wants to talk to us though,” I whisper, still not sure I want to say it outloud
