“Say hello to our baby,” Mackenzie says, squeezing my hand andgrinning.
I stare in awe at the life inside her belly. The life we created; the forever I won’t have with her, but I will have forus.
My heart aches for Mackenzie but also sings with joy—two emotions I didn’t know were possible to have at the sametime.
The technician measures the head and vital organs, and shows us the strong heartbeat flashing on thescreen.
My mind is completely silent as I stare at the fast pace heartbeat of a tiny human being inside my girl’s belly. Amazement crashes over me when I think I made that. I planted the seed which grew a little person inside the woman I’m helplessly in lovewith.
Miracles definitelyexist.
I look at Mackenzie. Why can’t a miracle happen for hertoo?
My lips instinctively lean into hers; needing the comfort they offer me before I lose itcompletely.
“Oh my gosh,” Mackenzie suddenly says, pulling away and scaring the daylights out of me. “I felt that!” On the screen our baby turns. “Yes, that. I feltthat!”
Tears run down her face and I have to blink mine away a few times. I can’t believe this is really happening. That’s our baby. I’m going to be afather.
“Are you ready to know what you’re having?” the technicianasks.
Our eyes get big and I grab Kenzie’s hand as she says, “It’s a girl, isn’tit?”
She smiles. “Yes. Congratulations, you’re having agirl.”
“I knew it! I could feel it deep within that she was a girl.Connor.”
She turns to me and I can’t help it anymore. Tears flow down my face at the thought of having a little girl;mybabygirl.
Knowing I’ll have a part of Mackenzie, someone who will hopefully look just like her, pushes me over the edge and almost brings me to myknees.
When our eyes meet, she laughs. “I hope those are tears of joy,” sheteases.
I wipe my cheeks. “Definitely tears of joy. She’ll be just like you, I knowit.”
She tilts her head and pulls me in for akiss.
“Thank you for giving me this,” I whisper, placing my forehead against hers. “That’s our baby girl…. My forever with you.” A sob slips out, and Mackenzie cups myface.
“Our forever,” sheaffirms.
* * *
Mackenzie
Connor hadto go back to work after my appointment so I was alone when I got home. My emotions started to quickly take over and I couldn’t help but cry into mypillow.
I’m excited, sure. Who wouldn’t be? I’m having a baby, a girl at that. I can’t wait to meet her, hold her in my arms, and feel her warmth against me. But then I think about how much I’m going to miss: her first steps, first words, firsteverything.
I place my hand over my belly and can’t help whispering, “I’m so sorry I won’t be here for you. I’m sorry to bring you into this world, knowing you won’t have amom.”
Suddenly it’s hard to breathe, and I start to hyperventilate so I drop to my back, taking in deep breaths to calm my nerves. Is Mom right? Am I being selfish? How can I have a baby, knowing I won’t be here forher?
I feel better knowing Tracy will be such a huge part of her life. She’ll be there every step of the way being more of a mom than aunt to her. Guilt washes over me for making her take on that role when she didn’t sign up forthis.
I will forever be there, and no one will erase or take my spot in her life, but that thought makes me cry evenmore.
When I look at the clock, I see it’s five thirty, and Connor should be home soon. I clean myself up and put on a braveface.
