He nods, tapping his fingers on the desk. When we told him I was pregnant, he didn’t have the best reaction. Originally he’d advised against it, since they didn’t know how fast my tumor would grow and whether or not pregnancy hormones would acceleratethat.
I went through more tests and since the laser treatment was still proving affective, I’d secretly hoped everything would stay as is for the rest of mylife.
“I don’t really know what to tell you until we do an MRI,” hesays.
“No,” I replyinstantly.
“Mackenzie, we have ways to protect your child. We’ll do the MRI without contrast. It's the safest imaging for a pregnant woman. Until I know what’s going on, I can’t guide you on how toproceed.”
“Tell me this first…. These symptoms aren’t a good sign, arethey?”
He takes a deep breath. “No.”
“Is there anything you can do if I get this scan, and the results aren’t what we want tohear?”
“Surgery, maybe. It all depends on what part of your tumor is causing theissues.”
“Maybe?”
“Yeah, maybe. My fear is one of the portions we couldn’t get has grown and is wrapping around your brain evenmore.”
“You promise it’s safe for the baby?” I ask to makesure.
“It won’t affect your child in any way. Do you have time today? Let’s get you downstairs for the scan, and we can talk about our options once we knowmore.”
I nod and he leads me to another part of thebuilding.
Words can’t express what’s going through my mind. When tests were first run all those months ago, I wondered what would happen to me and worried about school. Now, looking back, everything I was concerned about then seemstrivial.
All that matters is making sure the baby is safe. For the first time since I found out I had cancer, I honestly don’t care what happens to me, as long as my child is going to be okay. My life has completely different meaningnow.
A fear I’ve never felt washes through me and I’m not sure what’s worse at this point, knowing or notknowing.
25
Dear Diary,
Igota phone call from my doctor this morning. My MRI didn’t go so well. The tumor is growing, and the doctor wants us to come in to talk. I’m scared to tell Connor. I know I need to, but I didn’t want to worry him until I had all the details. I want to focus on the good things happening. We get to find out what we’re having today, so I’ll tell him soon. Ipromise.
Mackenzie
Connor
My boss letme take a few hours off today so I could be at Mackenzie’s doctor appointment. He has two daughters and didn’t want me missing out on any part of my growingfamily.
I walk into the doctor’s office and Mackenzie is already sitting there, reading a magazine. I can’t believe this girl I’ve known for years is not only my wife, but she’s carrying my child. The bump she’s sporting puts an instant smile on my face every time I seeher.
I sit next to her, leaning in for a kiss. We’re called back fairly quickly where they have Kenzie sit in a chair next to a bigscreen.
I hold her hand, more anxious than I’ve ever been in mylife.
“You guys ready to see your baby?” the technician asks, and I have to swallowhard.
Mackenzie giggles, “We’re a little excited. I hope you’ll be able to tell us what we’rehaving.”
“Most of the time we can, so let’s do all the measurements and such, then we’ll get to the funstuff.”
She squeezes gel onto Kenzie’s belly, and as soon as the wand is rolled around, spreading the goo, an image appears on the monitor. The small body, round head, and tiny nose on the black-and-white screen almost do mein.
