“Connor, she’s going to die. Do you not comprehend what that means? Her body is fighting a foreign invader. The pregnancy could escalate things and fuck, man, she won’t be there to raise it with you,” he almost shouts, drawing attention from otherpatrons.
My head drops, defeated. “I just want to make her happy. Give her the best life she can possibly have while I stillcan.”
Alan pats my back. “Please think about this long and hard. That's a child you’re talking about. A child who will have no mother and a father who works full time. Who will make their dinners and take them to school and change their diapers when they shit? Just think about it,okay?”
I nod, but I know there is only oneanswer.
19
Dear Diary,
Ifeellike I'm living in a pretend world. Connor and I don’t talk about my cancer, but it’s there, poking its head out when I don't want it to. He acts fairly normal for the most part, but I know it’s constantly in his head. Or maybe it’s always in mine, and I’m projecting. Whoknows?
Mackenzie
Connor
It’s beena few weeks since Mackenzie’s last doctor appointment. Even though we hang out every day, and things are seemingly back to normal, a black cloud follows us around. No matter how much we pretend, we can’t get rid of it. So tonight I’m taking her out to check another thing off herlist.
I’ve been practicing all week for this, and nervousness has been eating away at my stomach. This is something I swore I would never do, yet here I am, opening the door to a bar that offerskaraoke.
The look on her face is priceless once she realizes where she is. I thought she would be excited, but the ghost-like paleness creeping up her face makes melaugh.
“We’re only here because this is on your list.” I open my arms wide, tilting my head to the side and daring her to moveforward.
“You suck. You know that, right?” she grunts as she goesinside.
“Don't hate me. I’m not the one who wrote it,” I tease. She sticks out hertongue.
We sit at a corner table and order drinks, listening to someone perform a song I don’t recognize but oddly enjoy. I always figured these places would be full of awful singers who couldn’t carry a tune, but this guy’s notbad.
I enjoy watching Mackenzie nervously chew her bottom lip as she waits for theinevitable.
“Don’t be nervous.” I lean over to whisper in herear.
“Will you do it too?” she askshopefully.
“If you do it, so will I. I’m here to support you, but there’s no way I’m going first, just in case you bail onme.”
Her knees start to bounce, and I cover them with my hand. “You got this. You don’t know a single soul in this bar. Just go up there, close your eyes, and sing your heartout.”
“But what am I going tosing?”
I point at the lineup posted on the electronic screen “I signed us up earlier, and you’re third inline.”
Her eyes widen as she backs away from me. “I’m going to throwup.”
I laugh, taking her hand away from her mouth. “No you’re not. Now breathe, drink, and get ready.” I motion for the waiter to bring us anotherround.
“But what if I don’t know thewords?”
“Believe me, you do. I’ve watched you sing everyword.”
“Of what song?” shewhines.
“MyChurch.”
“By Maren Morris?” she asks. “That’s song’s insanely hard with the highnotes.”
