Istareat my phone much longer than I should. She didn't want me to know for a reason, and I should respect that, but how do I talk to her and not tell her I know? I can't pretend my life didn't just get put through ashredder.
One thing is for sure. I've fallen hard for her. There's no going back, and I need to figure out how to moveforward.
I bring up her name in my contacts, moving it to my favorites list but not hitting the call button. Instead, I hit the message icon under her name and freeze, having no clue what totype.
I jump when the phone vibrates in my hand, deciding for me if I'm going to talk to her ornot.
I take a deep breath, closing my eyes when I answer. "There she is." I try to soundcheerful.
"Hi. How was yourday?"
I wish I could tell her the truth, but this isn't a conversation I want to have over the phone. "Can you comeover?"
"Um, sure. Is everythingokay?"
“Yeah, sorry. Just want to see you is all,” Ilie.
“I’ll be there in a fewminutes.”
We hang up, and my stomach turns. I pour myself a shot of whiskey, trying to calm my nerves before she gets here. When she knocks, I wish I had taken a fewmore.
The moment I see her, everything goes haywire in my head. I kiss her with an intensity that makes her gasp in surprise. She doesn’t protest when I lead her to my room, but she resists when I start to undress her. I need to have her under me, I need to feel she’s still here and help to calm the storm brewing insideme.
“Connor, wait, please.” She pushes me, and I press back. “Connor, my god, what’s going on? Are you okay? What happened today? You’re scaring me.” She forces me to meet her eyes. “Shit,” she grunts in frustration. “Tracy told you, didn’tshe?”
She steps away from me, wrapping her arms around herself and turning herback.
I’m not sure how to respond. I want to hold her. I want to tell her everything’s going to be okay, but I’m at a total loss of how to comfort her without scaring her off. So I stand here like a jackass, completelysilent.
“She promised me she wouldn’t tell you. God!” sheyells.
“Why didn’t you want me to know?” I finally get out, thinking it’s the safertopic.
“Because of this.” She turns around, throwing her arms in the air. “I didn’t wantthis. I don’t want to be looked at like the sick girl. Especially by you. I wanted something real. I thought this was going to bereal.”
I step to her, holding her hands. “This is real.” I lean in to kiss her, but she pushes meaway.
“No it’s not, because now I’ll always be wondering if this is what you really want or if you’re just doing this because you feel sorry forme.”
“I promise that’s not it. Yesterday and the day before were real. I had no idea then. I’m serious, Kenzie. I’m really falling foryou.”
“But….” she pauses like she’s waiting for me tocontinue.
“There’s nobut.”
“Now there is.” She puts words in my mouth. “I want to travel, but you have a treatment. I’d love to have a life with you but, oh yeah, you’re going todie.”
She pushes her way past me, grabbing her purse off the floor before opening my door. She chokes back a sob, and the sound hits me in thegut.
“Don’t leave. What are youdoing?”
“I’m making this easy for the both of us. I know you don’t want to be with a sick girl. Who would? You already fulfilled my fantasy. I never in a million years thought I would get to kiss you, let alone share these amazing times together. Thank you. I’ve got togo.”
I grab her hand, trying to stop her one more time. “Please don’tgo.”
“I have to, Connor. This is my reality. I can’t live in a fantasyanymore.”
Water streams from her eyes and I bend to kiss her. She pushes me away, but I pull her against me. She needs to understand I’m not going anywhere, I’m here forher.
